Susanmillers Blog

My life as a heterosexual crossdresser.

Last Friday of September out with friends

Well it is the last Friday night of September and I was looking forward to a fun night out with my friends. What better way to start a weekend. Well the weather here is changing and this weekend hey are calling for lots of rain and wind and so that means I have to get my wrap out of the closet to wear tonight.

Well I started getting ready early as I hoped to be out by 6:30 but things never go the way you want. I have been really experimenting with darker eye shadow trying to get that Smokey eye look and I am getting better at it as dark colors take more effort to blend. Well in my hast to get going I forgot to put face powder on and when I got all down I had fallout on ,y cheeks and under my eyes and you can’t just brush that away so I had to remove my foundation from under my eyes and redo that and my blush. As with all makeup mistakes they can be fixed just takes a little more time so my hopes of getting out early didn’t pan out.

I still got there just a little before 7 and found a parking spot right in front. Cassandra was already inside and for a little bit is was just us, she had her laptop. She was working on our yahoo group, seems Yahoo did a major overhaul, I won’t call it an upgrade as it is o where near as good as it was before, and things don’t work or they are way harder to do things. We are not sure what Yahoo was thinking when they made this change but we are hoping whatever drunk employee did this will sober up and they will go back to the way it was.

Well it wasn’t long and Amy and Kelli showed up, it was great to see them. Amy will be moving to Seattle the end of November which is great for her as she will be closer to her family but sad for us as we will not see her as much but she did promise to come down and see us and hang out with the group. She even took a picture of Kelli and me such a cute picture. If I had been thinking I would have gotten a picture with Amy, will have to make sure I get some pictures with her before she moves.

Well Kim showed up and it was great to see her, I chose my maroon dress tonight because it is one of her favorites and I wanted to look good for her. We had a good time and got a chance to talk, such a perfect night.

Melissa and Cristine were the next to show up also Jerri Lynn was able to join us. She lives out of state but comes through Portland about once or twice a year. She actually contacted me through my blog about coming out with the group. The first time we were going to meet was the Friday after we got kicked out of the P-Club so that got canceled but she has kept in tough when she is in town and this is her second or maybe third time being able to meet up with us on a Friday night, how great is the internet. It was good to see her again and talk.

Diane, Robyn, Monica and another T-girl showed up so we actually had a pretty good turnout tonight considering the weather, t-girls melt in the rain well their makeup does at least. The Karaoke group had another function to go to tonight so most of them were not there but it was still a good crowd. Blue one of their group was there and she hung out with us most of the night. It is so cool the friends we have made with the other people here, we are not just secluded in our own little group or world but we get to interact with everyone here and that is really cool. I actually did get up and sing once tonight but not by myself, Blue sang a song I knew and she talked me into singing with her, of course it wasn’t very crowded tonight.

It was such a fun night and we stayed out way too late. I think it was Cassandra, Robyn and me were the last of our group to leave and it was after 2 am so it was a really late night for this girl but way to much fun. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend

September 28, 2013 Posted by | Sweethome | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Well it is another Friday night and time to go out with my friends.

Well it has been a long week again and so as always I am ready for a fun relaxing night out with my friends. It really is good to have something in your life you enjoy and look forward o as I think it really helps one stay happy. I started getting ready about 5 as I wanted to take a little more time as I do enjoy getting ready but also I wanted to try another Smokey eye look, I have usually stayed away from the darker eye shadows as I thought brighter colors worked better but there is just something about a Smokey eye look that I like. Now working with darker colors does take some practice but I think I am getting better at it. This is a picture from tonight although not close enough to get a good look at the eye makeup. This is me, Michelle and Melissa.

Well I was ready to leave my place buy 6:40 so an hour and 40 minutes getting ready a lot different than my male self who can get up, shower dress and be out the door in 20 minutes but way more enjoyable, there is just something relaxing about getting ready. Now traffic was good tonight so it only took me 20 minutes to get there. Cassandra, Chris, Cristine, Bobby and Laura were already there. We all talked for a while and then ordered dinner. Well as always it wasn’t long and more girls started to show up. Melissa, Michelle, Jan, Lynn, Petra and Kelly, Kelly brought 2 new girls, Alison and Lana (I think). It is always nice to meet new people especially new t-girls. I got to talk with both of hem some and get to know a little about them. Lana just moved to Portland a couple weeks ago and Alison is just starting her transition. Hopefully they will join our group and come out more. That is the great thing about our group as we have members from part time crossdressers to those who have fully transitioned and everyplace in between. It was also good to see Kelly out again, she doesn’t get out as much with the group. It was just turning into a fun night.

I got a chance to talk with Michelle, she has been really busy with work and other things so her Michelle time has been limited so it was great to talk and catch up. It is funny as we were talking and both agree how much happier our lives are now that we have come to terms with our dressing. I really think that what makes so many people and not just t-girls unhappy is the fact they have things in their lives they don’t like or wish they could change but can’t. Once you realize this and accept it life becomes so much easier. Most crossdressers go through life feeling guilty or ashamed about how they feel and the need to crossdress and many quit or try to quit when in reality we can’t as it is part of who we are. Now I am not saying it is impossible to quit being a crossdresser but even if one stops the feelings, and desire to crossdress never goes away. An example is Ice Cream, I love Ice cream but I can go without it, not buy it or eat it but when I see it in the store I will think about it and how good it is and that feeling of wanting it comes back. But if it has been a long time since I bought ice cream then when I do I tend to over eat it and the container is empty in a day or two. Now I know this is a very basic comparison and some may feel I am trivializing crossdressing and I am sorry if it comes across this way but in the same way if you deny yourself of crossdressing when you do finally give in and crossdress again it will consume you for a while as you have all this need and desire to catch up on. I really think accepting it as part of who you are and then making time for that part of your life is the best and in the long run makes a happier and healthier person. I use to tell myself I could stop if I wanted to and if I met the right girl I would but you can’t as it is part of who you are. It is a contradiction when you think about it, many women fall in love with a man for who they are but when they find out about their crossdressing they demand they quit when in reality they are telling them to quit doing something that has shaped their lives and made them the person they fell in love with and without that side they would not be the same person they fell in love with. I really am blessed now as my girlfriend met me as Susan and is totally accepting of this side of me. It is hard but you need to find someone that will accept you for who you are and that is the only way a relationship will work. Wow got a little off track there.

Well Michelle ran into one of her neighbors on her way out of her apartment and just walked by and said hi. It is funny as she was saying a year ago she would have run back inside and hid as most of us would have done. A year ago I would carefully look out my windows before leaving and make sure no one was out and if they were I would wait sometimes as much as an hour now the only ones I am worried about are the neighbor kids but pretty much just get in the car and go. Same way coming home I use to worry the neighbors might be out and on a few occasions I had to turn around and drive away when they were outside so they wouldn’t see me and now I almost wish they would be outside to see me come home. A couple of them know about me and I am sure they have seen my pictures online so they do know what I look like but they have never met Susan in person. Barb, Melissa and now Michelle have all run into one of their neighbors in person in the last few months, I am sure that at some point I will come home when they are out and maybe they will get to meet Susan.

Well we talked more some about Diva Las Vegas and a lot about Halloween, Cassandra and Peggy are planning their big Halloween party and we are all looking forward to it. That means I have to figure out a costume soon. I don’t want to wear one of my old costumes again one of the differences between my male and female self. My male side would have no problem wearing the same costume again but not Susan.

Well it was a fun night, I even played a game of pool and won but as always it went so fast and soon it was after 1 am so we all went up and paid our bills and called it a night. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend.

September 21, 2013 Posted by | Sweethome | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Midweek outing with friends

Well I wasn’t planning on going out during the week but things worked out so Wednesday night I went out. Actually the Powerball was at 400 million so our group was all putting in money and doing a pool, we all put in $10 for a chance at a share of the winnings, yes we were all planning on winning. Cassandra buys the tickets for us and then trusts we will give her our money so I wanted to go out with them and get her my money plus it is always a fun night out. Now we all know we probably won’t win but it is always fun to dream about it and what we would do with the money.

Well I got downtown just before 7 and Kim, Cassandra, Chris, & Sara were already there. Turns out we had over 30 people put money in the pool for the Powerball drawing. Well we all ordered dinner and had a great time. It wasn’t long and a few more showed up, Cristine, Rose and Kitty. It was cool as it has been a while since I have seen Kitty and Rose. Mikaela also showed up as her male self which was. It was cool to meet her and get to know her both ways.

Now as I have to get up early I couldn’t stay late but when I left they still had not said if anyone had won the Powerball we all still had that hope and dream of winning. Well on the way home I stopped at Walgreens as I needed some makeup. It was a fun night but went way to fast. By the way Thursday morning they announced that the winning ticket was sold on the East coast so no we did not win the 400 million so we will just have to try again next time.

September 19, 2013 Posted by | Out and about as Susan | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Day of golfing for Susan

Well Saturday was a day of golfing for Susan, actually 4 of us were meeting at Wildwood Golf course we had a 2:30 tee time. Now to get ready for this I did make a trip to the driving range last week as my male self to work on my swing as I didn’t do well the last time we played. I was really looking forward to this as they have always treated us great here and we always have such a fun time. Now we were playing 18 in the afternoon and then in the evening there would be 7 of us playing glow ball. This is where you play in the dark with golf balls that light up which I have never done before.

Well I got to the golf course about 1:30 so I would have time to practice on the putting green. Turn out I was the first one there so I had about 30 minutes to practice before Cassandra, Melissa and Veronica showed up. Now it was supposed to be a nice day in the mid 70’s but it sure was a lot warmer than that, now normally that wouldn’t matter but as I had makeup on that is always an issue as makeup and hot weather are not good. I am not sure what I will look like by the time we get done. This is me before we started play while my makeup still looked good.

Now golfing I was still having issues with my golf swing turns out breast really change the way you swing and I think going to the driving range didn’t help, they tend to get in the way on your backswing and follow through, I guess if you had them all the time or grew up with them it would be different as you would get use to them. It was a fun day and again it really wasn’t about how well we played but how cute we looked in the heat, actually it really was more about being out doing everyday things as Susan. We tend to get caught up in feeling we can only go to transgender or LGBT places. Now there is nothing wrong with that as that is how I started going out but over the last few years Susan has grown so much she needs to experience all of the world. I also think being out doing everyday things and interacting with people helps them see we are just the same as everyone else other than how we choose to present ourselves.

Now I didn’t finish first or last but had a great time and had some good shots, I would have done a lot better if it wasn’t for the lost balls, actually 7 lost balls as I said my swing was off. If it wasn’t for the lost balls I would have come close to what I normally shoot.

Well we finished our first round about 6:45 and it was time to go sign in for Glow Ball. Now this is what we are all really looking forward to as none of us had ever played glow ball. The cost was $40 and that included 9 holes of golf, glow sticks so we could be seen and one glow ball. The ball lights up every time you hit it and stays glowing for about 10 minutes so as long as you keep hitting it, it keeps glowing. Now I picked a red color but they also had blue and green. Now after the first round I knew ball would not be enough. They sell extra balls for $6 or you could get cheaper ones that were clear and you put a little glow stick inside them and they were only $1.50 so I bought 1 of the good balls and 2 of the cheaper ones in hopes that would be enough. Now they play a best ball scramble which also makes it easier and a faster play. The teams were Cassandra, Melissa, Veronica and Sara in our first group and Victoria, Peggy and me in the second group.

Now you had to walk the course as they didn’t want the golf carts out in the dark so I also rented a pull cart for $3 well worth it then we all went out to different holes to start the first hole it was still light out so it the balls really didn’t show up but by the second hole it was really dark. The had glow sticks marking the way from the green to the next tee and they had glow sticks on the 150 yard marker and the 100 yard marker and also on the flag on the green other than that it was just dark and black out. Now this is really an experience because you really can’t see anything so all you do is aim at the glow sticks and hope there is no water or sand in the way, the other thing is swinging at the ball is hard as everything is black except the glow ball. This means you really can’t see your club swing till it hits the ball, luckily Peggy brought a small light which we used to shine on the ball which made it easier. Also they recommend you don’t use your woods with the glow balls so I used only my irons. Now the good thing is in the dark I slowed my swing down and it actually went a lot better. Now we have played 3 rounds of 18 and the course has five par 3’s in in all those rounds I have not hit the green once on a par 3. Tonight in glow ball I hit all 3 of the par 3’s on my tee shot, I actually had a really good round. It was so much fun I am looking forward to next year when they do it again oh and by the way I played the 9 holes and didn’t lose a ball and neither did Victoria or Peggy so we all have extra balls for next time. It was so much fun. We finished about 10 pm so I had been on the golf course 8 hours. If you like to golf and get the chance to play glow ball you really should, it is totally different at night.

September 15, 2013 Posted by | Out and about as Susan | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Friday night out with my friends and the loss of Carol one of our sisters

Well again it has been another long week for my male side but I think things will begin to slow down a little now. Now the week has had some sad news as one of our group members Carol passed away the end of August, we found out from her daughter who posted it to our group from Carol’s e-mail account. Now as sad as the news was we are all glad her daughter reached out to us as too many times we in the trans community lose touch with friends we have made and never really know what happened to them as we all tend to be very secretive even with the friends we have made and I know I am no exception. I have some friends that I consider some of my best friends and yet they really know very little about me. I guess what I am saying is we should all have a few really close friends / family that we can share all of ourselves with.

Any way as I said her daughter reached out to our group and we are thankful for that. Carol was a good friend, she didn’t get out much with the group as she lived over an hour away from Portland but she was still part of our family and like all families some you see all the time and some only at holidays or special events but they are still family and loved. Now I from the e-mail her daughter sent Carol’s children were a little shocked when they were going through her stuff and came across Carol and the pictures and I can only imagine how hard that was for them. The one thing she did say was Carol looked so happy in her pictures and they were grateful that she had friends she could share this part of her life with. Their biggest regret was that Carol never shared this part of her life with them as they would have love to get to know her. It would be so awesome if her daughter who contacted us or even any of her children could come out one night with us and meet Carol’s family the Rose City T-Girls. I was trying to think and I think the last time I saw Carol was in May she had come out with the group and we both walked across the street to Walgreens as we both needed lipstick, turns out red was both of our favorite color of lipstick, something I will remember in part to my blog form that night. Carol will be missed deeply.

I think as we get older we think more about our own mortality and what will happen. I know I have thought about what my family would think going through my house and what all they would find, Makeup, dresses, wigs, heels and all the picture of Susan, would they be shocked, disgusted, ashamed, okay with it. I hope that just like Carol’s children I would hope that in the pictures and my blog they could see how happy I am and what awesome friends I have made as Susan and that would be what they remember.

Well we have a lot going on this weekend for our group so I was not sure how many would be out tonight. Actually Cassandra was the only one there when I showed up but it wasn’t long and Cristine and Bobby arrived but that would be it for a while. We also knew that the Karaoke group would not be there as I think he were all doing a renaissance fair this weekend so it would be a slower night. Well it was after 9 before others started to show up from our group. Melissa, Mikaela, Victoria and Diane.

It was great to see Diane again and what a great surprise. She actually lies on the East Coast and get to Portland every couple months. She had just been to SCC (Southern Comfort Conference) which is probably the biggest Transgender event in the world and is held in early September. I have never been to this as the time, distance and cost have never worked out for me. Actually the only transgender event I have been to is Diva Las Vegas which is in the spring so easier for me to go plus this event is more of a vacation than an event or conference. This one is so much fun as what better place than Las Vegas. A few others I know of is Esprit which is usually in early May in Port Angeles Washington in the beautiful Northwest and Pink Fest which is in Chicago in October so there are events all around if you are looking for a place to express your feminine self. Anyway it was great to see Diane and catch up with her.

I also got a good chance to talk with Mikaela, she has really come a long way since she came out last May, she has told several of her co-workers and also any Girl she goes out with. Wow even now I could not be that open about myself, you go girl. Well of course we had to get a picture of us. She had this really cute wig blonde on top with black underneath plus she had these really awesome heels. We talked for a bit and she is going to Harvey’s with the group Saturday night which is always fun. I will miss it as I am golfing again. It really is amazing as we will have 16 to 20 for Harvey’s and 7 of us golfing which means we could almost 30 of us out on a Saturday night, yes we are golfing at night they have what they call glow ball where you golf with glow in the dark balls in the dark. I guess they do have glow sticks to mark the fairway and greens and also on the flag but it will be so much fun. 4 of us are actually golfing 18 holes in the afternoon and then also that night so it will be a long day for Susan. I can remember a few years back if we could get 5 t 7 out to a Trans Club we were doing great.

Well I also got to talk with Melissa for a bit. Turns out she was already to leave her apartment but 2 of her neighbors were right outside talking and pretty much blocking her doorway. Now we have all been there I can remember watching out my window all dressed up just waiting for my neighbors to go back inside. Once I waited for over an hour and you do feel like you are trapped. Well Melissa finally just walked out and said hi to them and kept going which took a lot of courage as know they know about Melissa but it will make it easier in the future. Well Melissa took Mikaela and me outside to show us her new car, it was very nice but I told her she should have gotten a pink car. I wonder if you could buy a hot pink car.

Anyway it was a fun night, but as I was really tired didn’t sleep well last night I only made it till midnight. It is unusual for me to leave earlier than the rest but I Susan needed some beauty sleep. Well we did get one group picture before I left. Cristine got cut in half, than Susan, Mikaela, Melissa, & Cassandra. What a fun night

September 14, 2013 Posted by | Sweethome | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Out with my friends, great way to end a long week

Well it has been another long week for my male side, seems this summer has been so busy so I am always looking forward to the weekend and some fun relaxing time with my friends. I tried a different look with my eye makeup, kind of a Smokey eye look but it did take longer to do but I think it turned out well and I did get a couple compliments on how my eyes looked.

Now leaving home tonight was a little of a challenge as you all know my neighbors know about Susan although they have never met her, maybe one day they will but as far as I know their children do not and so when they are outside playing it is not the easiest to get out. when I went out last Wednesday they were out so I left my wig off and put my sunglasses on which works as I was wearing a neutral lipstick that really would show I thought as I drove by but tonight I had on my favorite red lipstick which I knew they would see so I put my wig on and hoped for the best. Well it turns out they were running between the front yard and the back yard so I did my best to time my leaving when they ran to the backyard. As I drove past their house they were just heading back to the front so I don’t think they got a good look at me. Anyway I was on my way to meet my friends and have an awesome, relaxing night out.

Chris & Roxy were just walking in when I arrived and as it was about 7:15 their small parking lot was full yes all 5 spots so I had to park on the street which is fine as I have become so much more comfortable being out as Susan. Inside Chris, Roxy, Cassandra, Reesa, and Samantha were all there so we would have a good turnout tonight. It wasn’t long and Melissa, Cristine, Bobby, Victoria, Stefia, Amy, Kelli, Laura and Jenny showed up. It would be a great night.

It was cool to see Stefia out and get a chance to talk with her and catch up, we have been trying to get together for a while and our schedules just don’t line up but maybe this week we can get together for dinner. Any way we had a chance to talk and it turns out that Stefia knows Kelli but in her male side. They met through Kelli’s business and have several friends in common well at least her male side does, what a small world it is. Of course we had to get a picture; this is Stefia and me, what a cute dress Stefia had on.

I also got to talk with Amy and Kelli. It has been a while since Kelli has been out as she really does work hard. She owns 2 businesses and of course both are really busy during the summer so it was wonderful she could make it out. We talked about Diva Las Vegas which will be March 30 through April 4 2014 for anyone interested. Kelly is planning on going for the whole week next year and I know Cassandra, Cristine, me and I believe Julie, Michelle, and Melissa are also planning on it so that would be a fun group. Well Stefia also got a picture of Kelli and I and one can never have too many pictures to post so here it is. I sat down next to her so I wouldn’t tower over her; we really need to get her in a pair of 4″ heels.

I also got a chance to talk with Melissa; she is planning on telling her girlfriend about Melissa which is always a big and scary step as you never really know how someone will act. There are several options but it takes a special person to accept it and support you, but every once in a while you hit the jackpot. I found Kim and she is so wonderful and supportive of my Susan side and Cassandra has her wife Peggy , Jan has her wife Lynn and they are both the same and also Kathy who supports her husband so there is a chance Melissa’s girlfriend will be supportive and we all hope for this although we all know if she is Melissa is planning on moving to be closer to her and we would all miss her.

It was a good night and the place was packed as the Karaoke group had a good turnout also. It is so cool as we have really good interaction with them and actually most of the customers. We have been accepted here and are always treated well by everyone which is all anyone wants, none of us expect everyone to love us and want to hang out with us but all we do want is to be shown the same respect as anyone else.

I also got a chance to talk with Laura and Jenny, I have met them before but they really don’t get out that much so it was nice to get to know them better. We really do have a wonderful group and we are all more like family then friends, a group of sisters and we have all areas of the transgender community in our group from the occasional crossdresser to those who have transitioned and are living full time. What is even better is we all accept each other for who we are and support each other. I think that is why our group has grown so much.

Well as I said it has been a long week and I was so tired tonight that by midnight I was ready to call it a night but I did manage to hang in till about 12:45 at which time the rest of the girls were ready to leave. We still had Cassandra, Victoria, Jenny and Laura there. It was a fun night all the way around. On the way out Paul the owner asked us if we would come in for Monday night football, he said it will be a lot of fun and the group should come in which I am sure some will. It is nice to have a business that actually wants us there and I really do think most businesses are this way; it is a shame that a few places are out there and cause problems.

Thanks for reading and may you all have a great weekend.

September 7, 2013 Posted by | Sweethome | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Dinner with friends

Well it has been a busy week but I did find time to go out and have dinner with my Friends on Wednesday night. It is always a fun time. I got downtown Portland about 6:30, Cassandra, Kim, Chris & Sarah were already there and it wasn’t long before Amy, Melissa and Cristine showed up. We sat at the bar and talked for awhile.

After awhile we moved over to the tables so we could order dinner. Rachael, Dee, Petra, Joan and Kimberly also showed up so we had a really good turnout for a Wednesday night. We had a nice dinner and great conversation and just a fun couple hours.

As always it goes by too fast and soon it was time for me to leave. Most of the girls were going next door to play pool and dance. It is a shame I can’t stay out later during the week but it was still a fun night.

September 5, 2013 Posted by | Out and about as Susan | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Luau BBQ on Saturday

Well Saturday Susan had a chance to go to a BBQ. Being a Luau I wore my black floral print dress which seems to have shrunk a little as it took a little work to get into. Victoria Sinclair, she runs Over the Rainbow Transformations has a monthly social for t-girls. I got there a little after 6 and there were already about 10 t-girls there, Some I knew and some I didn’t, Cindy and Her wife Alice, Rachel and Dee, Cristine & Bobby, and Joan, it is always nice when you know some of the people.

Cindy showed me around Victoria’s shop which was nice. I have known Victoria for probably 5 years and for one reason or another I have not had a chance to make it to one of her events till now. She has converted a house into a shop where she sells everything a t-girl could need from clothes, shoes, wigs and makeup plus she will do makeovers. She has a small nail salon setup including a pedicure chair, Massage and facial station and a makeup station where she will do your makeup and even teach you how to do it yourself. It is pretty impressive what she has done. She even has an area where you can rent a locker for those that need to keep their girl items secret. The back yard is huge and beautiful in case you just want to hang out and enjoy your time. With all this she has bought the house across the street where she now lives and opened a bed & breakfast there so now you can have a place to stay also, it really is an impressive place.

Well by now more people had arrived and there were snacks out to eat. We all sat out in the big backyard at tables and snacked and talked. Petra, Victoria, Kim, Kelly, Jan and Lynn also showed up. Jan was the one in charge of the grill. It was a fun and relaxing evening with friends. I met a few new people including Brandi; she had contacted me on Flickr about Saturday night so she stopped by, always nice to meet a new friend. I also met Lilly and got a chance to talk with her briefly. I also met another t-girl named Cassandra so know I know 3 Cassandra’s.

It was a fun night, big thanks to Victoria & Petra for making such a lovely safe place for t-girls and also to Jan for cooking all the food.

September 1, 2013 Posted by | Out and about as Susan | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

   

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