Susanmillers Blog

My life as a heterosexual crossdresser.

My first time going out someplace as Susan

Okay last week I posted a blog from Starbucks’s about my journey to be who I am and I got some good feedback on that. I was hoping by sharing it might help others trying to get out for the first time. Now I remember the night really well as most of us do as it is such a pivotal point in our lives, I just can’t remember exactly when it was. I think it was in the late 90’s maybe 1998 or 1999 but the date is not important.

I stated off dressing just at home and then late-night drives and maybe Burger Kings drive through and once or twice if I was out late enough, past 2:30am when alcohol sales end I did hit a 7-11 to buy some milk just to see and that was so scary. I also rented a motel room a couple times for a weekend and went and got acrylic nails but again I spent the day either in the motel room or I went out as my male self and kept my hands in my pocket and then did late night drives and I made sure my nail appointment was the last of the night so the fewest people saw me. Now that was over, I was bound and determined to go out as Susan and be seen. I had herd of a place called Embers, it is closed now. It was bar with a dance floor in back and they did Drag shows a couple nights a week and I had herd other t-girls went there so it was perfect. Now as I don’t remember the actual date, I do know it was warm outside so I am thinking it was late spring or summer.

I got all dressed up on a Saturday night, did my makeup without the lipstick. Put my dress on and heels and then a big coat over it with my wig on the seat next to me I put on my sunglasses, pulled the visor down and opened my garage door and pulled out and I was on my way. I stopped at a park and took my coat off, put my hair on and did my lipstick in the rearview mirror. This was a lot of work and effort to get this far, the hard part was over or at least I thought. I drove downtown Portland and found Embers, they had a parking lot across the street but you had to pay and I just couldn’t bring myself to do that so I drove around a little and found a spot across the street about half a block up facing Embers and as it was almost 8 I didn’t have to pay to park. Now it was just walking about 200 feet to the corner, crossing the street and going in piece of cake right, no it is not.

There were people parking and walking on the sidewalks and coming and going not only from Embers but other businesses around. I sat in my car till it was clear and then I started to open the door and here came someone else. This went on and on and I sat there unable to get out of the car. I kept looking over and my goal was so close but yet so far and then finally a little after 9, more than an hour sitting in my car I gave up and drove home. I just couldn’t get out of the car. I was so scared and when I got home, I was so disappointed. All that effort to get out of the house and go out and this was how it ended but I told myself that was it. Next Saturday I was going to do it. All week long I thought about what went wrong and the fact I just didn’t know about all the people out so now I was prepared.

Next Saturday came and I went through all the work to go out just like last week and got downtown Portland and parked in almost the same spot. I was ready and then I saw the other people and the same fears came back and once again I sat in the car for a little over an hour before going home disappointed but with the resolve I would do it again next week and I would be successful. Next Saturday came and I went through all the work and got out again and this tie I was able to park a little closer so that would make the difference but again no it wouldn’t. I just couldn’t open the car door. Once again, a little over an hour and I once again was on my way home for the time in weeks but I was determined to do it next week

The following Saturday I once again went through all the work to go out and again I parked almost the same spot. I was going to make it but once again every time I thought it was clear and started to open my door, I saw someone else walking and closed it. I sat there for over an hour and couldn’t get out of the car. I kept going over and over in my mind why not, it was fear. It was about 9:15 and I once again had been sitting in my car for over an hour and once again I gave up. I started my car and was waiting for traffic to clear so I could pull out and wasn’t watching the people walking by when I herd someone tap on my car window. I turned and it was another T-girl so I rolled down the window and she smiled at me and asked if I was going in and if I wanted to walk in with her. I don’t know if she realized what this meant to me but she was like a gift from heaven and I said yes and with her help I got out of my car, scared to death and we walked in together.

Her name was Lori and though I only saw her once after tonight I will forever remember her and her kindness. We went inn and she stayed with me and introduced me to all the security people there and the bar staff. She was wonderful and made me feel so welcome and not alone. I told her my store I just shared with you and she told me how safe and accepting this place was and then she told me about several other places t-girls go and offered to take me so about 11:30pm we went out and got in her van and we drove over to CC Slaughters and went in and once again she introduced me to the staff. We also walked around the corner to fox and Hound and checked that out and then over to Habbo’s. then back in her van and over to another place I can’t remember the name and checked it out introducing me to the staff again. It was after 1 am now and we once again were back in her van and we drove several blocks to Pan a Rama to check that place out, they charge a cover but only on men so we got to go in for free. We stayed here till almost 3am before leaving. Back in her van and she drove me back to my car and told me she hoped to see me out again. I couldn’t thank her enough as it was probably the best night of my life. I was so excited and on such a high I could barely contain myself as I got in my car and drove home. I git home and went to my room and collapsed on the bed and I was out till morning. I woke up just as I was the night before still wearing the same dress and makeup.

I took a shower and cleaned up and had breakfast as I replayed the night before in my mind. It was so awesome and such a dream came true and then reality set in. I thought to myself, my god I got in a strange girl van I had just met and went off with her all over town. Even as my male self I would not have done that, it worked out well but it did scare me as I was so happy to meet someone like me that I dud let my guard down. Now don’t get me wrong Lori was an awesome person and an answer to my prayers but I did make a mental not to be more careful when I was out. Now it was several months before I went out again and I ran into Lori and thanked her again and I hope she knows what that night meant to me. But as I was only going out every few months that was the last time, I saw her. I often wonder what happened to her. she showed me a kindness I could never repay and so I try to help other girls trying to go out for the first time and if this store can help it is well worth the post.

A little long but I hope if you read it you got something out of it. Thanks for reading and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what I am up to now.


July 16, 2019 Posted by | Advice and tips, Out and about as Susan, Thoughts on Crossdressing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sunday Susan time at Starbucks but first a badly needed pedicure

It is Sunday and I have some free time and that means Susan time. My plan was to go to Starbucks and write my Blog from Saturday night, I am going to make an effort to post them quicker. I started getting ready about 2:30 so it was a little earlier. I got my makeup done and got dressed, I went casual as my time at Starbucks is to blend in the best I can. Now don’t get me wrong I know I don’t pass but when I go out the goal is to be accepted and treated as a lady and to me that is passing and that does mean dressing appropriate for where I am going. Now I wore my black leggings that come mid-calf, a nice top and sandals and yes that also means hip pads to fill out my hips and my corset to suck everything else in and give me a nice shape. I was all ready and it was about 3:45 and I looked at my toes and I really do need a pedicure. I think I have been putting it off as I am not sure where to go. I went to Dream Nails for several years and I really do like them and they treated me so wonderful but it has been over a year since I was there and I feel a little off just going in there now as I was going there every 2 to 3 weeks for a few years so I debated about going there but in the end I went to Natural nails which is just a few blocks further. This is where I got my pedicure before Diva Las Vegas and they did a wonderful job, as a matter of fact it held up really well. It has grown out and I did get one chip on a toe by I filed the nails down and they still looked good other then the grow out as it was March 20th almost 4 months.

I called them when I was leaving to see if they could fit me in and they could so t told them I would be there in about 10 minutes. I parked and went in and they were a little busy, 5 people getting pedicures and 1 getting her nails filled so I had to wait a few minutes. I picked out my color and yes, I love red but for summer I wanted something a little brighter so I picked a color called That’s Berry Daring pink. I was seated and they started on my pedicure. There were 2 women to my right and 2 woman and a man to my left. Now it is really relaxing in here as they place really soft mellow music and there really is no talking and it wasn’t just me. The ladies doing the pedicures just did the pedicures and most of the people were on their cell phones. That is one of the things I miss about Dream nails as the women there all talked to the people and it just felt more welcoming. Don’t get me wrong they do a wonderful job but I think as Susan I like the more social aspect of it. Now it was a little warm inside here of course I probably didn’t help I was wearing a corset underneath. The girl did a wonderful job on my feet and they look and feel so much better. Now they were busy and people kept coming in and they all seemed to be just walk-ins. Probably why I was able to get in.

A man brought an older man in for a pedicure as I am guessing he was unable to cut his own toenails. I actually thought about doing this for my dad before he passed away but as he didn’t know about Susan I didn’t. there were also 2 high school boys that came in, I am guessing 16 or so and they wanted to get pedicures. I have seen men getting pedicures but this is the first time I have seen boys that young. I am taking this as a good sign that maybe men going to nails salons is becoming more acceptable. I was there a little over an hour before I was done and on may way. I kind of wanted to wait a little and see if the young boys got a color put on but it was a little after 5 and I needed to get to Starbucks and write my blog from last night and start on this one so I can have this one done and posted by tomorrow.

It was about 5:15 when I got to Starbucks and they were a little busy but most were sitting out front at the tables outside which I thought about as it is a beautiful day, about 82 out but in the shade it is perfect. But as I said all the tables outside were taken o I went in and got one by the window and went and ordered my drink. One of the girls behind the counter making the drinks greeted me by name and asked how my day was going. That just make you feel wonderful inside and I know it is part of their job to learn the regular’s names but still an awesome feeling. This is what I was talking about as far as passing in public. I know she knows I was not born female but still she treated me as if I was. Girl if you can go out and have this happen to you, you have passed, I have gone to many different Starbucks over the years and I have always been treated this way at all of them. Yes, I have gotten a couple looks at first at a couple but once they realize who I am then everything is good.

I caught up on some e-mails and wrote my blog from last night and then started on this one. Now I was going to write today about my first time really going out somewhere but as I did the pedicure and that took up part of this blog and I don’t want to go to long as I feel that is a lot to ask for you to read a book, I try to keep my blogs around 1,000 words so I think I will make that its own blog post about my first time out so you can look for that hopefully in the next few days.

I stayed here till almost 8 before leaving and heading for home. I made a quick stop for gas and something to eat on the way. thanks for reading and be sure and check out my newest blog for what is new in my life.

July 15, 2019 Posted by | Manicure & pedicure, nail salon, Starbucks | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Saturday evening at the Escape

It is Saturday and that means I get to go out tonight to the Escape and see my friends. I posted in the group I would be there by 6 but it looks like I may make it a little earlier as I got home a little earlier. I know Kris and Bobbie will be there but not sure who else will show up. Okay I have to give a funny story; I got an e-mail last week and didn’t recognize the e-mail address so I let it go for a few hours before I took the time to read it. I opened the e-mail and it started off I Susan and then there was some writing but before I could read it my eyes were drawn down further because in a huge font that stood out was my male name and address. My heart jumped in my throat for a moment till I read the e-mail. Turns out it was from my attorney and they had collected some money from our P-club case years ago and were going to send out small checks again, seems to come about every 12 to 18 months and is out 3rd such payment. They are small and I don’t think it even covers the interest that is being charged to him so he probably owes us more than when this started. Well back to tonight.

I started getting ready about 3:45 so I was all ready by 5 and on my way. Now I know one of my neighbors knows and have to believe others do although no one has said a thing. I only say this as I opened my garage door to leave my older neighbor across the street, the one I know the best was out front in his wheel chair getting some sun. he wasn’t looking my way so I just pulled out. 2 houses down the lady living there was working on her front yard right by the street and as I drove by, she looked right at me. The next house down the man living there was in the street by his car as I drove by and the house at the end both the man and woman living there were out working in their front yard. The problem with summer and ice weather. A few years back I would not have left till they went in now I just don’t care. I got to the Escape about 5:20 and got a parking spot right in front and went in. I brought my computer and sweater as it tends to be cold inside on hot days as they have the air conditioner up, reason I wear my ankle boots instead of open toes heels. Now Bobbie was already here as it turns out his ride dropped him off about 3:45.

We got one of the big tables with hopes we would have a good turnout tonight. I ordered dinner, my usual hamburger which is awesome actually everything I have had here is good. Now Bobbie was watching the Basketball game so I took the time to write my blog from Wednesday night dinner which was awesome. We had been here about 45 minutes and Bobbie went outside to sit at one of the tables and when I finished my blog, I went out for about 15 minutes to get warm I did get a selfie of me while I was out side.

I went back in and sat down at our table and a few minutes later Betty showed up. It was great to see her again, she has been here a couple times but it was several months ago although I did see her at the Trans parade in Portland. Now it was early so it was still quiet and we had a good chance to catch up on what is new and get to know each other better which I really enjoy. There is just something I enjoy as Susan talking with others. I think I may have convinced her to go to Diva Las Vegas next year as she has not been to Las Vegas since the late 70’s, I think she would have a blast.

Bobbie came back in and Michele also showed up as did Kris so we had a nice small group tonight and was very easy to talk with everyone which make it awesome as I don’t feel like someone I getting left out. The other girls ordered food and we just sat and had a wonderful time. It was after 8 and Wendy showed up. I have met her a couple times before so it was nice to see her again also. Now I was talking with Betty and she asked me what kind of phone I have; it is a Samsung Galaxy 8 and I love it. It is my 3rd Samsung and I would highly recommend them. She has an Apple and I am not saying they are bad I just prefer the Samsung. Any way she was not happy with the pictures hers takes and it may be an old phone so I took a couple with my phone of us and she thought they were awesome. If you have a phone that does not take good pictures try a Samsung. Well I texted her the pictures but forgot to ask if I could post them but since she posted them on her Facebook, I feel safe in posting one in my blog. I love to have my picture taken and posted but I know some girls don’t so I always ask.

By 9 Karaoke started and it was getting busy as it always does but it also gets louder and harder to talk, so we would listen to the singing and talk between songs. Kris got up and sang a few times. Now there are some really good singers here and a few not so good but hey if you can get up and try you are good as I still haven’t mastered that at least not by myself. One of the ladies who works Trixie here got off early but she stayed and hung out with her friends and tonight she sang a song. She may have sung before but if she did, I must have missed it but any way she did great also.

It was about 9:45 and Lauri showed up and all of us were still here so we had 7 of us here tonight. Now I usually get here early try for 6 so by 10 I am ready to call it a night. I am just not the late-night girls I use to be. When I first started going out it was usually 8 or 9 when I went out maybe later during the summer when it was light later and it was usually 2 or 2:30 when I left for home, yes I use to close down the bars and sometimes I would go out for something to eat or dessert, only did this a couple times once with Veronica. Any way I was having so much fun I stayed later tonight. It was almost 11:30 when I called it a night. it really is sad when the night comes to an end and I know I have to go home and change back to my male self. Now don’t get the wrong ideas as I am not going to Transition and have no plans to go full time but Susan is so limited 2 to 3 nights a week that it really is sad when she goes away.

Anyway, it was a wonderful night made more special by my friends. Thanks for reading and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what in going on now in my life.

July 14, 2019 Posted by | Escape Bar & Grill, Out and about as Susan | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Wednesday night dinner at Henry’s

It is Wednesday and we are doing dinner at Henry’s Tavern downtown Portland; Cassandra is setting this one up and made reservations. One of our members from Nebraska is in town for a couple days so Cassandra is coming out for the night I am looking forward to it as it will be good to see Cassandra again but also Robin as I have not seen her since Diva Las Vegas. Bow it turns out we will have a good turnout as a lot of girls want to go, we have 16 going with 1 maybe.

Now I get home later now so it is always a rush and tonight there was a lot of traffic so it was almost 5:40 when I got home so I started getting ready right away. I can get ready in 45 minutes if I have to but I don’t get the time to enjoy my transformation but it was about being downtown by 7 and I wasn’t sure how bad traffic would be going into Portland. Now I had my outfit all picked out from the night before and I knew just how I wanted to do my makeup so that helps. Well things went just right and I think I set a record as I was pulling out of my garage at 6:15. 35 minutes from walking in the door as my male self to leaving in my car as Susan. my luck held as there was no traffic going into Portland and I went right for the parking garage a block away. I was walking into Henry’s right behind Cassandra, Robin and Veronica at 6:35 so I had time to spare.

It was great to see them again; I saw Cassandra a while back at a Wednesday night dinner as she comes out every once in a while, but I have not seen Veronica or Robin since Las Vegas back the beginning of April which is not that long ago just seems like it. They told us they would have our table ready by 7 so we went into the bar to wait. Jan, Lynn, Melissa, Dawnie and April were all there waiting. Now this is the first time I have met Dawnie and April, Cassandra and Robin know them from online but it is the first me they have come out with the group. Actually, it is the first time April has ever been out which is always fun. There is just something about sharing someone’s first time out as you think about your fist time out. My blog from last Sunday talked a little about my journey as Susan from when I first figured out, I liked this side of my life and I got some good feedback on it so I think this coming Sunday when I go to Starbucks I think I will write about my actual first real night going out as it may help some still struggling with this part of their lives.

Well we sat and talked and waited till it was time to go to our table. Jennifer & her wife Marge, Kimberly, Barb, Rickie and her wife Judy, Kris and Joanie so we had 17 here tonight one of our bigger turnouts. Years ago, we were happy if we could get 8 to 10 out on a Friday or Saturday at Embers which was a LGBT bar and very Trans friendly and now, we are getting 17 out on a Wednesday night just for a dinner at a restaurant. We have come a long way. Now I tried to sit closer to the middle of the table so I could talk with as many as possible but with 8 on one side and 9 on the other there was just no way to talk with everyone. We ordered drinks and appetizers, Henry’s has an awesome large pretzel and cheese dips and also chicken tenders so I ordered 1 and Cassandra the other and we split. Really didn’t need that much before we ate but it was so good.

Now I got to talk mostly with Kris to my left, April to my right and then Kimberly, Cassandra and Joanie across from me, the rest I talked a little with but I had to talk past people which is hard. It was nice to talk with April being her first time out and she did awesome. I really wouldn’t have known had she not told me. Now I did get a couple selfies, one in the car and one in Henry’s but I wish we had gotten a group picture of everyone as it was such a good turnout tonight. Our waiter tonight was awesome but then again, every time we have come here, we have always been treated wonderful and had awesome servers.

Our food came and we ate dinner and kept talking, conversations going on at both ends of the table and in the middle and it was just a wonderful night out with my awesome friends. Now it was all I could do to finish my dinner after the appetizers I had earlier but I some how managed, several of the girls took home leftovers but I have never been big on leftovers plus I was always told to clean my plate when I was growing up and that is a hard habit to break, probably why I have a hard time loosing weight. That dinner was over it was time for dessert and of course it all looked good and I so wanted some but as I was full and I really am trying to cut sweets out and hopefully lose some weight I managed to get my will power up and just say no. a few of the girls did order dessert including Cassandra across from me, she got the half order of a brownie Sunday and trust me a half order could feed 2 easily and it came with 2 spoons. She tried to get me to have some and I thought about having 1 bite but I know me and there is no such thing as 1 bite for me. I have will power only as long as I don’t have any, once I start eating sweets it’s over.

After we finished, we sat and talked for a while before some of the girls started to leave, it was about 9:30 when the first left but some of us stayed as I know for me, I just didn’t want the night to end. Cassandra, Robin, Dawnie and April all wanted a picture of them together so I took several of them for them. It really will be a wonderful memory for Dawne and especially April of her first night out. I have a few pictures from early on but none from my first night out as yes that was before smart phones with camera’s. Makes me feel old to admit that. By now we had all paid our bills and even though they put an 18% tip on parties over 8 as do almost all restaurants when we asked our waiter about this he said he didn’t as he wanted to trust in his smile and service and I can tell you that was the right choice as I am sure he did better then the 18%, he really was great.

At the end it was just Veronica, Robin, Cassandra (they all road together), Joanie and me and we left a little after 10, it really was a wonderful night out and again how easily we all waked to our cars. Years ago, it was everything I could do just to get out of my car now I don’t even give it a second thought. Life really is wonderful as Susan with my friends.

Thanks for reading and be sure to read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

July 13, 2019 Posted by | Dinner out, Out and about as Susan | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Sunday and finally a little time back at Starbucks as Susan

It is Sunday and I finally have some free time and can go to Starbucks as Susan. Now I know it has been a while so I looked back in my blogs and wow it really has been a while. My last time at Starbucks on a Sunday was April 14 2019 almost 3 months ago. I really do like my quiet time at Starbucks as I can get a lot of things done and it is just way more fun as Susan. I took a little over an hour getting ready for my trip to Starbucks and enjoyed every moment. There is just something fun and relaxing about doing my makeup and transforming into Susan. I got to Starbucks a little after 4 and went in. they were a little busy but a few tables open including one along the window where I like to sit as I can plug my computer in if needed. I set my computer down and went up to order my drink. Now I was here on last Thursday for a little while but as I said above it has been a long time since I was here on a Sunday. One of the girls behind the counter said Hi Susan it has been awhile, goo to see you again which made me feel good. Well the young lady at the register took my drink order and I paid and instead of asking me my name for the order She just said it is nice to meet you Susan my name is Ellie. Now I don’t know if she got my name from hearing the other girl say it or if she got it when I paid with my phone app but either way it made me feel good.

I sat down at the table and started with my computer. I have been very slow at getting my blogs posted as I have been so busy in the evenings, one reason I always like coming to Starbucks as it gives me a chance to catch up on my blogs. I use to do them either the same day or the very next day and now it can be a week later which sometimes makes it hard to remember everything I wanted to put in them so today was my day to get all caught up. I wrote my blog from Thursday the Fourth of July when I was out and posted it. I then wrote my blog from Saturday when I went to Julie’s for a BBQ and then even started on this blog with the hope of finishing it tonight when I get home. now I will post Saturdays blog on Monday and todays on Tuesday as I don’t want to post to many at once to give you all time to read them.

Now sitting at Starbucks as Susan is relaxing and really I didn’t notice anyone give me a second look and for the most part I really don’t even think about being Susan while I am here, yes I know it as I can see my pretty long red nails as I type, I put my fake nails on today and every once in a while a wisp of hair falls in front of my face but I am not just focusing on the fact I am out as Susan. I am just out as who I am and at times that is Susan a female. I was thinking about my journey as Susan and how I have progressed and grown over the years.

I knew when I was 5 or 6, I realized I liked to put on my mom’s lipstick and even then, I knew this was not something boys did so I kept it hid. By the time I was 14 I had managed to get some makeup, eye shadow and mascara that I hid in my room and would where at night but I still didn’t understand it. When I was in high school and I would be left home alone by myself I would occasionally put on one of my moms’ dresses, she had a beautiful floor length black and white dress that at that age fit me perfectly. This is also the age I was trying to find information in the library about why I did these things and as this was before the internet there was not a lot of information. I found stuff on Transsexuals and how they felt they were born in the wrong body but I didn’t feel that way. I also found information on being gay but again I was not attracted to boys it was girls. It was probably my senior year I herd the term crossdresser and realized that was what I most likely was but still didn’t understand it. I kept telling myself it would go away; I would meet the right girl and this would all disappear but it didn’t. the girls I dated I was always envious of how they got to dress and the makeup and nails they got to have. When I moved out on my own, I would dress at home. I did have a roommate but I was lucky as he worked days and I worked grave yard so I was getting home about the time he was leaving for work so I could dress around the house for a few hours.

From there it grew into wanting to go out but for a long time it was just late-night drives and maybe the drive through at Burger king. I would love the time I could dress but after word feel regret and shame as I still didn’t fully understand why and I could just not accept this is who I was. When I got into my early ‘s a few of the woman I worked with had acrylic nails and I would hear them talking about how nice it was to get them done and I so wanted to so I broke down and got a motel room for a Friday and Saturday night and went and got my nails done for a couple days and loved it. For a few years I did this once or twice a year. It is funny as one of the ladies I worked with made the comment one day that I had no idea how expensive it was to have acrylic nails and I almost laughed as just a couple weeks earlier I had gotten them for a long weekend. I had spent $30 plus tip to get my nails done, three nights in a motel over a weekend which was about $200 and then Sunday another $15 plus tip to get them removed. About $250 for 3 days of having acrylic nails so I knew the cost and you know what, it was worth the money.

Now I finally worked up the courage to go out for the first time, it was on the 4th try but I made it with a little help from another T-girl named Lorie, she saw me sitting in my car trying to work up the courage to get out and came over. She was the first t-girl I ever met and I realized I was not alone. From that I met Alice another T-girl who came to Portland every few months, we had met online and she would e-mail me when she was in town and I would meet her at Embers. She also had a big impact on my life s Susan as she helped me realize there was nothing wrong with who I was or what I was doing. It was Halloween of 2007 when I met Cassandra and I joined her group in early 2008 and suddenly I knew there would be others out every weekend and I started going out every Friday night. Susan was becoming a regular part of my life. It was probably a year later when I accepted this was who I was and there was nothing wrong with me and that this part of me would not go away. Once I accepted that my life changed. Susan truly was a part of who I am and I made some wonderful friends. I thought I would put this in a blog to show this truly is a journey and it takes some time. I go out all the time now and I get some people who e-mail me and tell me they are struggling and they wish they were like me; trust me you are. We all go through a journey to get to where we are or end up. The key is to not think you are damaged or doing something wrong you are not you are just being who you are. Talk to others and find out how they feel and think but don’t and I mean don’t let them tell you who you are, how you should feel or who you should be. Figure out who you are and be that person. If that means gay, straight, transsexual or crossdresser it is okay. How I feel or who I am is just that it is about me. You may or may not feel the same. It is about being true to yourself.

Wow a little longer than I wanted but I felt it important. Back to my outing at Starbucks. I stayed at Starbucks till about 8 before going home. It was a relaxing afternoon and I always feel better after my time out as Susan. It is like my little vacation form my male life and all that is going on in it.

Thanks for reading and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

July 9, 2019 Posted by | Starbucks | , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Saturday and a BBQ at Julie’s house

The Fourth of July was a busy day, I was out a Susan till after 3 went to a BBQ at 4, got home from the BBQ about 6:30 and then Julie texted me to see if I wanted to go watch the fireworks with her and Trixie, in male mode of course so I sad yes and was out the door again. The only reason I bring this up is while we were watching the fireworks Julie thought we should do a BBQ at her house on Saturday which is only 2 days away. So, I said I would come. She texted a couple other girls but being such short notice, they couldn’t make it so it would be just the 3 of us so that brings me to today, Saturday.

I started getting ready at 2 and of course it is a more casual day so I chose my black & white summer dress and sandals. I did my makeup and yes, I went with a red lipstick as I just love the color red. Now I have been using Maybelline Superstay and they have two kinds I like, the matte ink and the liquid and today is the liquid. Both stay on really well even soap and water won’t take them off I need to use baby oil on a cotton ball. I can eat or drink whatever I want and it stays looking great. I was on my way and got to Julies right at 4. I got a quick selfie in the car just in case I forgot to get pictures later. I have started doing this as I don’t think about pictures as much as I use to. years ago, when we went out all the girls had their cameras or phones out taking pictures but as we have gone out more and taken so many pictures over the years it just not as big of a deal. I can’t tell you how many pictures I have but it is in the thousands. If you think about it this is my 1190th blog which means even if it was just 1 picture per blog that is a lot and early on it was more like 10 or 20 pictures.

I rang the doorbell and Julie opened the door and she also was casual in a summer dress, but hers was longer than mine. Well we went in and sat at the counter and talked as we ate chips and dip, one of my favorite snacks. Julie, Trixie and I just relaxed and sat and talked and it really was fun. Before we new it, it was almost 6 the time went by so fast. Julie fired up the grill and she put the steaks on, it didn’t take long and soon we were eating, we ate inside as the weather was a little on the cool side as it was only about 68 outside. The food was awesome, Julie and Trixie wonderful cooks, Trixie did the salad and baked potato and Julie grilled the steaks. And after dinner there was ice cream. It was so wonderful. After we finished, we went and sat in the living room and continued talking. I was shocked when I looked at the time and it was after 9. Where had the time went. It did not seem like I had been here over 5 hours. I thought it was time to call it a night so I thanked them for inviting me and we said our goodbyes. It really was a wonderful evening with wonderful friends. I really am a lucky girl to have such awesome friends.

Thanks Julie and Trixie for inviting me into your home for a BBQ it was awesome. It was a good idea I got the selfie in the car as I put my purse down when I got inside and of course my phone was in it and I never once thought about getting my phone out or getting a picture. Really wish I had gotten some though.

Thanks for reading and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in Susan’s life.


July 8, 2019 Posted by | family, Out and about as Susan | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

July Fourth and some Susan time

Happy Fourth of July everyone, I hope you have a safe and happy one and as we celebrate today and celebrate our great country and the freedoms we have, remember those freedoms cost some people everything. We have more freedoms here than in any other country. I hope you all cherish what we have and not willing to give them up. Once you lose a freedom it is hard to get back.

Well I have today off work and am going to a BBQ at 4 but that leaves me the morning and early afternoon free so I am going to exercise some of my freedom and spend a little time as Susan. I got up a little after 7 with the hope of being ready by 9. Now for some reason I was slower today maybe because it was the morning and I really had no place I had to be so I took my time and enjoyed my time getting ready. I was ready a little after 9 and looking cute. I chose to wear my black leggings that come down to the upper calf, sandals, a maroon top and of course as this is more of a tight fit, I put on some hip pads to widen my hips and my corset to take in my mid-section. It really does give me a bice shape and other then being slightly taller I blend in well this way and yes, I did put my fake nails on to complete the look. Now as it was a little later, I decided to go right to Clackamas Town Center and do a little shopping as I think they open at 10 and that should be just about the time I get there. I was right on as I was pulling into the parking lot right at 10. I parked by JC Penny’s and went in.

I really had nothing I was looking to buy just looking but was hoping to find a nice dress. I checked out their shoe section first and then over to the clothing. They only had a couple of dresses and they were petite sizes and that just wasn’t going to fit. I guess this time of year is not a big dress time. I wondered out into the mall and did some window shopping and went into a couple other stores but more just to pass some time. Eventually I made it to the other end and Victoria Secret and I went in. I pretty much go here every time I am at the Mall as Susan but I bet I have only been in Victoria Secret 2 or 3 times as my male self and once was to get fitted for a bra. I looked around and a young lady came up and asked if I needed help. I told her I was looking for my favorite bra it is called So Obsessed and they don’t have them in the store anymore so she showed me one similar to it but it just didn’t look or fee the same. It is funny as I have bought many bras and never really gave it much thought till I found this bra and it is just so comfortable and with the padding I really don’t need anything else. I had originally bought 2 of these and back before diva Las Vegas during their buy one get one free sale I found them on line and bought 4 more so I am good for a while but as of now they are still available online. I left and walked back through the mall and left it was a little after 11 now.

Now on my way home from here I go near the Cemetery my Dad is at so I decided to stop there but first a stop at Fred Meyers to pick up some flowers. There is one just down 82nd Ave a mile or two so that is where I went as I also needed a new lipstick and some snacks; I need to bring to the BBQ later. I spent about 15 minutes here shopping and getting flowers and then I was off to put flowers on my Dad’s grave. I have come here several times with my Mom and other family but whenever I have come here by myself it is as Susan. My Dad never met me, or new about Susan the daughter he had but I like to visit his grave as Susan I guess in a way it is my way of introducing her to him.

I got to the cemetery about noon and there were a few people there but it is a big place so not really that bi of a deal. I parked and walked to his grave site and put the flowers down. There were a couple woman sitting on benches that I passed but they never even looked at me. Now it was a nice day and while I was here the 2 ladies left so I went and got my computer and sat on the bench a little way from the grave site and wrote out my blog from last Saturday night. It was a little after 1 when I left and headed for home well not home but the Starbucks by my house as I haven’t been there for a while.

It was about 1:45 when I got there and went in., they were a little busy but they had a table open by the windows so I sat my computer on it and went and ordered my drink. One of the girls behind the country greeted me by name and said it had been an asked if I had any plans for the 4th. I just told her a BBQ later and she said it was good to see me again as sit had been a while which it has. I have gone to many Starbucks over the years and have always been treated wonderful at all of them. I got my drink and sat down and posted my blog I wrote earlier and then just caught up on some e-mails and other thing I needed to do on my computer. Really nothing I couldn’t do from home or as my male self but it is just so much more fun and relaxing to do this at Starbucks as Susan. I got a couple selfies at Starbucks in the car.

Well I kind of lost track of time and soon it was a little after 3 and I need to be at the BBQ at 4, luckily, I am less than 5 minutes from home and it will only take me 5 minutes to get to the BBQ so I still had time. I got home about 3:20 and removed my nails, hair, clothes and the corset and right into the shower to wash away all traces of Susan. It was a fast turnaround and yes, it is a lot faster to be my male self then Susan. I got to my BBQ as my male self-right at 4. It was a fun day but I was sad I had to change from Susan so early and I wonder what everyone would have thought had I shown up as Susan. That won’t happen but it is fun to think about.

Thanks for reading and be sure and check out my most recent blog to see what is new with Susan.

July 7, 2019 Posted by | Out and about as Susan, shopping, T-girl, transgender | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Last Saturday of June at the Escape.

It is the last Saturday of June and I get to go to the Escape tonight. I didn’t get home till 4:30 so I started getting ready as I wanted to be to the Escape by 6. I got to the Escape about 5:45 and went in. they were not busy at all so I got our usual table and set up my computer to work on my blogs and then I ordered some food. I finished my blog from last Saturday and posted it and started working on my blog from Wednesday night dinner. I was almost done with my blog when Nicole and her daughter walked in. turns out they are coming through town on their way home and decided to stop and have dinner and spend a little time here tonight, how awesome is that.

It is a funny store as they only decided about an hour ago when they realized what time they would get to Portland. When they stopped about an hour earlier Nicole got dressed and did her makeup in the car which was a first for her. I on the other hand have a lot of experience at this as do a lot of girls. Early on when I was just making late night drives or going out once every few months, I had to do it this way as I had a roommate who didn’t know. I would load all my stuff in the car the night before and then the night I was going out I would shave really good and shower before I left home and then drive to nearby park that had an upper parking lot that was never really busy and I would park there and get dressed in my car and then do my makeup in the rearview mirror. I would go out or drive around and hen stop at the rest area and change clothes and go wash my face the best I could, on a few occasions if it was late enough, I would sneak into my house and hope I didn’t wake my roommate. What we all go through to be able to be who we are.

Well it was nice to see them again and get to hear all about their father (Nicole) & daughter vacation. They had a wonderful time and yes Nicole did get out on the vacation not just here in Portland. Her daughter is accepting and supportive of her which is so wonderful. Nicole really is lucky to have a supportive wife and 2 daughters who all know about her. I heard some of the highlights of their trip and a few of the things they did I have done before when I was on vacation there but a few others I haven’t and want to. I really want to do another Susan Vacations but it may have to wait till next year when I go to Diva Las Vegas again.

Melissa showed up tonight also, I had told her at Wednesday night dinner Nicole and her daughter were here last Saturday on their way and I think show was hoping they would stop by tonight. The 4 of us sat and talked and yes Nicole’s daughter was right in the conversation and yes, we did ask when she found out about Nicole and what she thought and it seemed to be no big deal to her. I give her a lot of credit for being that supportive and open minded. It was a little later and Michele also showed up so we had 5 of us tonight well 5 counting Nicole’s daughters. Now it was not busy at all here tonight. There were 5 women at the next table and a couple at the bar and our group maybe 15 people. The good thing was it was very quiet so it was perfect for talking. We really weren’t watching the TV as the sport tonight that had on was ultimate fighting and none of us were really into that. It is funny though as I am not a basketball or football fan and never watch it at home but I do watch it as Susan when I am out. Who would have thought years ago I would be in a bar dressed as Susan watching sports? I guess everything is more fun when you are female.

Well 9 pm came and it was time for Karaoke and there was still only 12 to 15 here including our group of 5. The lady running Karaoke sang a song to start it off and then waited for someone to come sing. Between 9 and 9:45 I think there were only 6 songs sang, 2 by the lady doing karaoke and 2 by another guy and then 2 others. I was actually tempted to sing tonight as there were so few people here but I didn’t have a song to do. I think I will have to practice a song and have it ready incase we have another slow night here. I tried to get Nicole’s daughter to sing and she said she would sing right after me so it would have been fun if I could have done a song tonight. It is hard to explain why I can’t get up the courage to sing. Ii will go pretty much any place as Susan and not care what people think but I am worried what they will think if I try to sing a song. Same goes for dancing, I look foolish when I dance. It is strange how the mind works.

It was about 9:30 when Nicole and her daughter left for home as they still have about a 2-hour drive and somewhere on the way Nicole will stop and change back from being Nicole, as she never comes or goes from her house as Nicole as they don’t want their neighbors to know. I also remember those days where I would not leave till it was dark and all my neighbors were inside or I would put on my clothes with a big coat over them, sunglasses on to hid my eye and the visor pulled down and hair on the car seat nest to me and I would leave and then stop in a parking lot and take the coat off, put my hair on and then my lipstick. We all find a way eventually to get out as who we are. It was sad to see them leave but I will see Nicole again and maybe, just maybe her daughter will accompany her again on one of her visits. It is funny as we did ask what she thought about Nicole but I wanted to ask her what her thoughts were on the rest of us.

It was about 9:40 when Melissa and Michele left and as I said it was really slow here tonight still only about 15 people but as it was close to 10 and I was almost sure Lauri would be here I decided to wait so I could see her also. She is our late-night girl and shows up between 9:45 and 10. She actually got her about 9:45 about 5 minutes after the others left. It was nice to see her again and talk to her a little. She may not be out next Saturday as she is planning on going downtown to the Portland Blues festival. We talked a little before I went and paid my bill, the good thing about being slow is I didn’t have to wait to pay my bill. It was probably 10:15 or so when I called it a night and left for home. It was a really fun night.

Thanks for reading and be sure and check out my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

July 4, 2019 Posted by | Escape Bar & Grill | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Wednesday night dinner at Who Song & Larry

It is Wednesday night and our group is having dinner at Who Song & Larry’s on the Columbia river. Last time we were here was back in December so it has been a while. Now we had 8 post they would be there and 2maybes so it should be a good turnout tonight. I got home from work late so it would be another fast transformation, I really like it more when I can take my time and enjoy getting ready. I talk to some of my female friends and a lot of them don’t like the time it takes to do full makeup and I keep wondering if I will get to that point someday. After all some of them have been doing makeup every day for 40 years so I can understand why they may not find it as fun as when they were teenagers. I just hope I never lose the enjoyment of doing my makeup and I don’t think I will. This is my 1,187th blog post so that means I have gone out as Susan that many times plus all the times early on when I just dressed or did my makeup at home and it is just as much fun today as back then. Wow it is hard to believe I have written that many blogs. Well I started getting ready at 5:30 and was ready and on my way by 6:15. Now as I was leaving it looked like it might rain so I took my coat and I was right. I got about a block from my house and the bottom fell out, it was raining so hard for a few miles that cars on the freeway were only going about 30 and there was thunder and lighting also something we don’t see around here very often. As I got close the rain slowed down which was nice and by the time, I got to the parking lot it had stopped.

I took advantage of the break in the rain and went right in. they didn’t look that busy so I went to see if we could get a table for 8 to 10 and the lady at the counter said she would go see what they had. While I was waiting Melissa and her wife walked in, I thought that was them behind me when I pulled into the parking lot. They had a table ready wo the of us went and sat down and waited for the rest to show up. It wasn’t long and Barb showed up followed by Jan & Lynn and then Kimberly and her wife so we actually had wives here tonight which was awesome. Our waiter came and took our orders, we have always had wonderful service here and tonight was just the same. Now I know some girls get caught up in how well they pass and that can be a driving force and can keep some girls from ever going out. Tonight, we all passed, not because they really believed we were female but because they accepted us as females and treated us that way. I am sure we got some looks but we were able to enjoy a dinner out as friends like everyone else and that is what it is all about.

Now Kimberly’s wife has gone out with her before I think but this was the first time meeting the group so I think it was great we had 2 other wives here tonight. Melissia’s wife was seated right across from Kimberly’s wife so they talked most of the night. of course, we all got to talk with her and learn a little about her, these dinners are great for that as they are smaller groups and, in a setting, where it is easy to talk. Of course, we also could look out the windows on the Columbia river and see the rain and lightning although it was tapering off now. Our food came and we had a wonderful dinner, the food here is really good by the way. It was nice to talk with everyone, and have a wonderful night out with my friends. Barb is getting ready for her yearly trip for the summer so it maybe a few months before she is out with the group again. I really do have some wonderful friends as Susan.

After we ate, we sat and talked some more, Kimberly’s wife is really nice and I hope she comes out more with the group. We actually have quiet a few wives or significant others that are supportive of their spouse and even come out with them which is so awesome. It was after 9 when we all called it a night, as we walked out it was a little cool for the end of June but at least it wasn’t raining. We said our goodbyes and made our way to our cars. It is always sad when these evening end but I know Susan will be out again and I will get to see and spend time with my friends.

I got home and got ready for bed and removed my makeup and that is when I know my evening is over, when I see my male self-looking back at me. Thanks for reading and be sure and check out my most recent blog to see what is knew in my life as Susan.

June 30, 2019 Posted by | Dinner out, who song & larry | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Saturday night at the Escape

Saturday and I get to go to the Escape with my friends and I am looking forward to it. I got home late so I had to rush to get ready as I wanted to be there by 6. I was on my way by 5:30 and got to the Escape right at 6 and went in. not what is funny is last week at the Trans March I ran into a lady I haven’t seen I in 5 years, well tonight I saw her again as she and her friends were sitting at the tables out front. Funny how that works. I got inside and got our normal table and set up my computer as I like to get here a little early so I always bring it so I have something to do. Well I had just sat down and Nicole showed up and what a surprise. It turns out Nicole and her daughter are doing a father daughter vacation and yes Nicole is part of that trip as her daughter came with her tonight, how awesome is that. Yes, not only tonight but at least one other night in their trip it will be Nicole. It turns out her wife and daughters know all about Nicole and they are supportive of her which is so awesome. It was so nice to talk to them both and get to talk to her daughter and get her impression of how she feels. Now we did get some pictures, Nicole wanted one of her and I took one of her with her daughter it really was a nice picture and memory. I also got a picture of me. I wore one of my newer dresses with my corset so I have nice curves.

Well we ordered dinner and sat and talked as we waited for others to show up. Kimberly was the first to show up, it was good to see her again. She comes out more to the Wednesday night dinners but has come to the Escape before. The 4 of us sat and talked for a while. It wasn’t long and others showed up. Now once again it is a week later before I got a chance to write this blog so I may miss some. Kris, Stacy, Jennifer & her wife, Laura M and her girlfriend showed up so we had a good turnout tonight and we filled our table. It was so nice to get a chance to sit and talk with all of them. Now in my male life I am not big on just sitting around and talking but when I am out as Susan, I really do like talking with friends and people.

As always it started to get busy the closer it got to 9 when Karaoke starts and I really do like it when it is busy as it gives us a good chance to interact or at least be seen by others and yes it is a lot of the same people who come here but there are also some new people who also come here. Well Karaoke started and of course some of our members got up and sang. Kimberly got up and sang and she did the song Love Shack which is actually a duet so she was looking for someone to help her, Kris went up and sang it with her and they did a good job. Now it does get hard to talk once karaoke starts but it is fun to listen. It is just a fun night out.

Nicole and her daughter were the first to leave but it was so nice to see Nicole again and get to meet her daughter, I really hope they have a wonderful vacation together, I look forward to the next time I see her so I can hear all about her vacation. Well we sat and listened to singing and talked in between the songs. Now I stayed till a little after 11 before I called it a night, I paid my bill and said my goodbyes before heading home. it really was a wonderful night out.

Thanks for reading and be sure to read my most recent blog to see what is new.

June 29, 2019 Posted by | Escape Bar & Grill | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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