Susanmillers Blog

My life as a heterosexual crossdresser.

Monday night zoom meeting

Well it is another Monday night and that means we will have our weekly zoom meeting. I got home and had plenty of time so I took my time and enjoyed getting ready. I was all ready by 6:30 so I had time to relax and watch a little TV, I did get a few pictures but as it was dark outside and the LED lights just make the pictures look washed out so none good enough to post tonight.

I started the meeting just before 7 and girls started signing on. Tonight we had 12, Jennifer, Melissa, Danika, Danielle, Nicole, Jan & Lynn, Christa, Emily, Trish, Tori and me. It was great to see everyone and catch up. We did talk a little abut Diva Las Vegas which is 1 week away now, Jennifer and I are both looking forward to it and getting our nails done. I will get my nails done Friday night on my way home and Jennifer will get hers done on Sunday. I think next time maybe we should go together. We also talked about next weeks zoom meeting as I will be I Las Vegas and not able to host the meeting Melissa will be running it so we can keep it going.

It was about 8 when we got to Jennifer’s weekly question. The question was how many wigs doe we have and how many do we actually wear. Now there are lots of thoughts on wigs, and you can spend from $30 to several thousand dollars and again the views I express are mine and mine alone and is not the only right choice. I do have a few wigs I spent $200 to $300 on and I love them but I tend to go for the lower price ones $30 to $50. I view them s being disposable. Some girls have them re styled me I just buy a new one. The key though is find one that fits you and is comfortable to wear. The other thing you may be wondering is spending that much on a wig is it worth it and that is all up to you. I know a lot of woman that go get their natural styled every couple weeks and also getting it cut and colored and can spend $40 to $200 each time so my advice is not to think what others think or feel but decide for yourself. I will spend $40 to $50 + tip to get my nails done for a week and then another $25 to $40 to have them removed when I get home and for me it is worth every penny. We all have things that is important to us, life is short so be happy.

Well back t the question, seems most of the girls have 6 to 10 and 2 or 3 that their wear and some when they find a wig, they like they but extra’s as with so many things you find you like they quit making them. Even a few of the girls who have grown their natural hair out have kept some of their wigs. Now me I actually like wigs as I can change up my hair style and color very easily and if you follow my blog, you can see some of the different looks. Yes, I have my favorite but I have maybe 4 I wear the most and a few others less frequently and a few I never really wear, in all I have 14 different wigs, by the way if you see one you think looks really good on me or even t so good feel free to let me know. There are time I love the way I look in each of them and also tines not so much depending on my makeup, outfit and lighting.

Well it was about 8 :45 when girls started to sign off and by a little after 9 it was down to just Jan and I and we ended up talking till almost 10pm before we signed off. It was a wonderful evening. Now I am looking forward to Wednesday nights dinner at Outback Steak house and yes getting my nails done on Friday night and my trip to Diva Las Vegas.

Be happy with who you are and be true to yourself. Thanks for reding my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life

October 22, 2021 Posted by | zoom | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Monday night zoom meeting on Columbus Day

Happy Columbus Day

It is Monday (Columbus Day) and although where I work does not recognize it as a Holiday I do. Any way I had to work but being a holiday traffic was not bad so I actually got home earlier than normal so I had plenty of time to get ready today so I took my time. Now tonight I tried a little different look specifically my eyebrows, I tried a thinner brow arch and was pretty happy with it, still trying to figure out the best look for me. I was all ready by 5:45 so I had lots of time before our meeting started. I did get some pictures and then finished up my blog from Sunday and posted it online.

I started the meeting at 7 and girls started to log on, tonight we would have 11 of us, Jennifer, Melissa, Nicole, Christa, Jan, Lynn, Danielle, Jeannie, Emily, Tori and me. Now as normal we spent a little time catching up which was nice but we got to Jennifer’s question early as it was a really good one although it was really for those who are transitioning and living full time. now being October 11 it is not only Columbus Say but also national coming out day and that was what the question was about. It was about coming out to people and how many times? Now for most of us that don’t transition we may never come out to anyone or if we do it is usually very limited, maybe a spouse or family member but for those who do go full time and live as their true self it usually means coming out over and over again as you have to tell everyone and it is not something you can do one time. Now I have never come out to anyone although one of my neighbors found out and I admitted to it.

I had never really thought about it but yes if you do come out you may be doing many times of a long tine as you really can’t get everyone all together at one time and then there are the tings you don’t think about, drivers license, social security, doctors office, dentist, passport, bank accounts and so many more. Now some will be easier at least emotionally then others but most likely there will be sone you know that you will lose. I have often thought about what it would be like usually my co-workers and although I don’t know how they would take it but from what I know of them I think 60 to 70 % wouldn’t care either way. The rest would probably be divided between those that would have a problem with it and those that would think it was great.

Now it was interesting to hear what the others had to say and it usually starts with coming out to family and friends and then work and yes it seems to be as hard each time as everyone is different and you have to deal with each one separate and I realize I would approach telling my family different then work. This would be a hard thing to do but from listening to them they came to a point they could no longer not do it. The stress on them before they came out was way more then the stress of telling people and yes, they did lose some people in their lives but most say it was over all positive and worth it for them. Again I have not done this so I really only imagine what they went through.

The follow up question was what is the one thing most people ask about this and it really came down to 2, first for those who are married of in a relationship was what was going to happen to the relationship and how was the other person handling it. ow again I have no firsthand knowledge on this but at least in our group it seems the spouses and partners are okay and even supportive and I think when that happens it really helps the rest of the family be okay with it.

The other question is are you gay when you transition (or even present as female) most people believe you are then attracted to men, they confuse gender with sexual preference. Now I am not saying that for some there is the attraction to men but again my opinion from what I have observed I would say 60% are still just attracted to woman. The rest will either be attracted to both or maybe just men and that is all okay, be who you are. Now what I have noticed personally as I have had this question many times is some even when you tell them can’t understand it or just don’t believe it. yes, I present a lot as female and when I do part of that is taking on the roll of being female. That being said I am not at al attracted to men, part of my being Susan is to present as what I find attractive, I try to remove all my body hair as I find nothing attractive about hair on the body or face. Now I have had this conversation with people and I have had those that almost argue with me that I am wrong and I am attracted to men. Gender expressing and being the gender you are and who you are sexually attracted to are 2 different things.

The last question that was asked and I really haven’t had this question really and that was about your body specifically, surgical status and what body parts you have or don’t have and I was shocked that this would even be a question asked as I personally would never think of asking that. Please don’t ask that question, a person’s medical treatments and what they have done with their body is their choice alone, be respectful. Now some girl will talk about it and tell you and that is also fine but it is their choice to tell you or talk about it. mow my opinion and again this is my view only, if you see me out and are really interested and not trying to be rude you can ask me anything. Now I may tell you I am not comfortable answering a question (usually personal stuff like where I live or work) but other than that I will try to answer your questions as I feel or think and again it is just y views and may or may not be how other feel or think. We are all different and feel different or view things different and that is fine.

We actually spent most of the night talking about these questions and yes, we had a lot of similar thoughts and some differences. It was about 8:30 when girls started signing off and a little before 9, we were down to just 4 of us so we ended the meeting for the night. It was a really good night. now I am looking forward to Wednesday nights dinner at Who Song and Larry’s.

Be happy with who you are. Thanks for reading and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

October 13, 2021 Posted by | zoom | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Monday night zoom meeting

It is Monday and another zoom meeting tonight. I got home late but still had time to do my makeup and enjoy my time getting ready. Yes, this is my me time and I find it so relaxing especially after a busy day. Now I did a purple eye shadow look and my red lipstick and yes, I wore one of my older wigs with a more reddish color. I was all ready by 6:45 so I had time to get a few pictures before our meeting.

I started the meeting at 7 and ladies were logging on right away. Tonight we would have 14 of us, Jennifer, Nicole, Melissa, Jeanie, Danika, Jan, Lynn, Emily, Christa, Trish, Danielle, Driel, Tori and me, yes Jennifer’s daughter in-law joined us again tonight. Jennifer came out to her family over a year ago and she and her son has joined us before both online and once at a Wednesday night dinner. It was so nice to see so many girls long on. We talked for a while and just caught up on what was new in everyone’s life. We did talk a little about Diva Las Vegas which is only 3 weeks away and also about shoes and shoe sizes. Now I am a women’s size 10 to 11 depending on the width of the shoes. We do have some girls who are a size 9 and then all the way up to a size 15. It was a nice evening and a littler after 8 Jennifer asked her question and again it was a good one and I thought I could remember it but almost a week later writing my blog I forgot. I will have to make sure I write them all down.

It was about 8:30 when girls started to sign off and by 9, we ended the meeting. It is always sad to see it come to an end but now I am looking forward to Wednesday night’s dinner.

Be happy with who you are, Thanks for reading my blog.

October 9, 2021 Posted by | zoom | , , , , , | Leave a comment

The last Monday night zoom meeting of September

It is hard to believe it is the last Monday night of September already. I got home late tonight so it will be a rush to get ready by 7. Now tonight I did it a little different as I always do my full makeup before getting dressed but tonight, I did my foundation and then got dressed and then finished off my makeup, eye shadow, eyebrows contouring, and lips just in case I was still finishing up when the meeting started. Now I will admit it did seem different somehow to see me there in the mirror all dressed and hair on as I put the finishing touches of makeup on. I always look at this as my transformation but somehow tonight it was more like just being a woman getting ready, funny how just a little different way of getting ready changes the way you look at it. Well I didn’t have to worry as I finished just a few minutes before 7 so I even had time to get a few pictures before starting the meeting.

I started the meeting and ladies started signing in right away. Tonight we would have 14 of us, Emily, Melissa, Nicole, Jennifer, Jan & Lynn, Danika, Sherri, Jeanie, Tori, Christa, Danielle, Antonia and me. It was good to see so many. Of course as always, we just talked for a while and caught up with what was new. The good thing about these meeting is only one person can talk at a time and everyone is involved in the same conversation so we get to know more about each other. Now it is interesting to hear how each of us feel and how things affect us as we have a wide diversity in our group as far as being transgender. We have those who have transitioned fully and living full time to those somewhere in the process of transitioning to those who just need to express their feminine side to those trying to figure it out and even just starting out in this journey and although we are all a little different in our paths, we all share a common sisterhood of friendship, respect and support. This is wonderful as we all have similar concerns and fears. Yes, I am pretty comfortable in who I am and going out but it was not always that way and it really was this wonderful group of ladies that helped me. 15 years ago it was just late-night drives and the hope that I might be able to go into and LGBT bar every once in a while, I never imagined going out as often as I do and to pretty much any place I want to go. Now I am not saying there are not different challenges to us. For those who live full time they must come out to everyone, for those of us who are part time we only come out to those we feel need to know and there is nothing wrong with that. We have a member who came out to her kid and family and even some of the members of her Church. I think she did this to start the conversation in her Church which is awesome. Now I have not come out to people who know me on my male side but I am not really hiding it anymore. I used to always get in my car in the garage and check 3 different windows from my house to make sure no one would see me and even then, pull carefully out. now I come and go from my house without a thought and sometimes I park in the driveway and just walk out the front door. As I said I am not going up to my neighbors and introducing Susan to them but I am not hiding her and I kind of feel most if not all of them know just from how much I come and go.

It was a little after 8 and it was time for Jennifer’s question and tonight it was how many bras do, we own and to my surprise I had more then most. I actually have 18 of them and they are kind of in 3 groups. First is my regular bras, the ones I use with my breast forms, I have 6 of these. 2 white, 3 cream and a pink. I have 5 bra’s I use for creating cleavage, under certain tops or dresses that are lower cut I can use an elastic band to pull some of the flesh on my chest to the center and then with these bra’s that are a little smaller and tighter I can use a sock underneath to push up the flesh and create a pretty nice cleavage, if you are interested in this I did do a blog on it a few years back with some links to pictures. Then I have my really nice bras, yes, they are Victoria’s Secret. I had gone in and got fitted for a bra and the one I liked really was the most comfortable bra I have ever worn. Yes, I paid $50 for it but it has built in padding that ads 1 ½ cup sizes and actually on me with just a breast enhancer to push a little flesh up it looks totally natural and I actually don’t even feel like I am wearing on. I have 7 of these as the first one I bought was a marron and I wanted a pink so I went back to Victoria’s Secret about 6 months later to get the pink one only to find they had discontinued this line, figures doesn’t it. well I looked online and they were closing them out, buy one get one free so I bought 3 more and got 3 free, I got my pink one and a hot pink one, red, black and 2 cream-colored ones.

Well we talked a little longer and by 8:45 girls started to sign off and as I must go to work early again tomorrow, I was kind of okay with it although sad to see the night end. It was right about 9 the last of us signed off and the evening had ended. Now I am looking forward to Wednesday nights dinner at Deschutes Brewery in downtown. The group has gone here a couple times a few years back but I think I only made it to one of them so it will be nice. I am also looking forward to the weekend and spending some Susan time, I want to spend the whole day Saturday as Susan as I want to try a makeup look and see how well it holds up for that long as in a few weeks we go to Diva Las Vegas and I will be doing the whole trip as Susan which includes a 15+ hour drive down and trust me that is a long time for makeup to hold up on my face. I am so looking forward to the trip and yes 12 days with acrylic nails.

Stay safe and be happy with who you are. Thanks for reading my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

October 2, 2021 Posted by | zoom | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Monday night zoom meeting

Well it is Monday again and it will be a long week for my male side so I was really looking forward to tonight as I won’t get another chance to be I got home from work a little late, yes, this week I will be working long hours, a chance for overtime for Susan to spend in Las Vegas. Starting tomorrow I will be starting work at 5am and probably working till 5pm or 6pm through the end of the week. It was about 5:30 when I got home and I started getting ready as I wanted to look my best, yes as Susan how I look is very important. Now I know I will not pass for a female but I do want to try and look my best as I don’t want people to think I am making fun of women. People ask me all the time why I do this, why I dress as Susan and the main reason is I love it. but I think on a deeper level I really admire females and want to emulate that the best I can. You could call it respect, admiration or whatever term you like but I really do believe woman represent what is the best in humans. I took my time and was ready just a little before 7 so I took a quick picture and got the meeting started.

Now there were already ladies waiting. Tonight we would have a smaller group, only 7 of us but that is okay. We had Emily, Nicole, Jennifer, Melissa, Jeanie, Danielle and me. Now most weeks Nicole does not have her video on as she is usually in a hotel room with poor lighting as she travels a lot for work and tonight was no different although she was at home and just didn’t have time to dress. Now she did turn on her web camera briefly to show everyone her new puppy and the puppy was so cute and small.

We all talked for a while and yes part of it was about Diva Las Vegas which is a little over a month away. I am really looking forward to it as I will have 12 days of being Susan completely and yes getting acrylic nails. Now I am going back and forth on how to get them, should I go as my male self to Julie’s nails on Friday evening on my way home from work or if I could slide out of work a little early on that Friday, I would have time to go home first and transform into Susan and go to Dream nails by my house either way Friday night I will get my nails done. Now Jennifer is also going but she is only going Monday till Friday but yes, she is planning on getting acrylic nails also and will be flying down and back as Jennifer. She is also really looking forward to it. Of course we both gave our pitch to the others about going but they can’t this year. Right now from our group it will be Jennifer, me, Cassandra and Veronica for sure as we have all made our reservations. Cassandra and I will drive down on October 25th and drive home on November 2nd, also one of our friends from Nebraska has booked her room and will be there. Now there will be a big turnout this year as there are already 200+ people signed up but it is being held in conjunction with Diva Wild side which I have never gone to. It is very similar in many ways to Diva Las Vegas as it really is just a vacation but where Diva Las Vegas is more about blending in and not drawing attention to our group Wild side is just the opposite. They want to be visible and draw attention so it will be interesting to see how it goes. Now I am not sure if some of the wild side is included in the totals as Diva Las Vegas usually gets about 170. The events I have signed up for are just the Diva Las Vegas ones although one is a joint dinner. Right now we will have to wear masks but I am hopeful that will change by then, everyone have positive thoughts about this for me.

Well soon it was time for Jennifer’s question of the week and it was interesting to hear some of the girls stories, some really good and positive and some not so good. now I thought about it and several came to my mind. For me it was getting into a car wreck, yes Susan was in a car wreck a few years back. I was out as Susan shopping for Diva Las Vegas and got rear ended, I saw it coming and there was nothing I could do but what made it so memorable is the car hit me so hard my wig flew off and into the back seat so while the other people were getting out of their cars I was trying to find my wig and get it put back on and make it look good. Well we talked some more and it was about 8:30 when girls started to sign off and by 8:45 we were down to just 3 of us and as I must be to work by 5am, (get up a little before 4am) we called it a night. it is sad to see the evening end but I was okay with it as it will be a short nigh tonight and a long week.

Now I am looking forward to the weekend and spending Saturday and Sunday as Susan.

Be happy and be who you are, thanks for reading my log and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

September 25, 2021 Posted by | zoom | , , , , | Leave a comment

Monday night zoom meeting with friends

It is another Monday and that means time with my friends in our zoom meeting tonight. Now I have been thinking about how I want to do my makeup tonight. Now I always wear Maybelline superstay long wear lip stick as it stays on all day even through eating but tonight, I wanted to try a new one. Last Monday when I was out shopping I got a new MAC Russian Red lip stick and it really is a beautiful red and as I won’t be eating tonight as Susan, I figured it was the perfect chance to wear it. Now to also make the color pop I went with a lighter shade of foundation as I think it looks better with a more pale skin tone, and of course my long blonde wig. It is a little harder look to do but if it turns out it really is a pretty look. I started getting ready a little after 5 and took my time and yes, I spent almost 2 hours getting ready tonight including a few different outfits, I settled on a dark blue dress. I have a few dresses that I bought that actually fit me but are too short when I sit so, I don’t wear them out but I figured at home sitting on the couch on video it would be fine. I was all ready by 6:55 and got a few pictures before starting the meeting right at 7. Let me know what you think of my look tonight.

Now there were already girls waiting and tonight we would have 12 of us, Melissa, Sherri, Jeanie, Danielle, Danika, Emily, Lynn, Tori, Nicole, Trish, Jennifer and me. It was great to see them and just talk and catch up. It really is about just being social and interacting with each other even if only on a video chat. We talked till a little after 8 before it was time for Jennifer’s question of the week and it was what would be your ideal shopping trip. Now the one thing we pretty much all agreed on its going with someone else and it was 1 or 2 others with us as we felt that was the right amount and yes maybe have lunch during the trip which is really how I like to do it. some felt having a Cis woman with you would be best and yes, I have gone shopping with Peggy and it is a lot of fun but for me it s just sharing it with someone else as you end up talking a lot, maybe more then shopping. Now one of the girls talked about having a personal shopper and yes that would be awesome. I remember years ago when I was first going out shopping, I drove up towards Seattle to a mall up there and went to the Nordstrom’s and a really nice sales lady helped find a skirt and showed me to the dressing room so I could try it on. Now the funny part is as I was trying it on, she was bringing me more items, tops to go with the skirt and a few more skirts. I was probably in the dressing room for 30 minutes trying on different looks and yes, I would come out and ask her opinion and she was pretty honest as she said some of them didn’t work for me. It was a wonderful experience and I think I did buy one of the skirts and tops.

Now for me I have thought about this and for me the one thing I have always wanted to do would be to go to a bridal store and try on wedding dresses and maybe maid of honor dresses, you know fancy type dresses. Now I have no place to wear such a dress but it would be so much fun and to get some pictures. Now if you read my blog, you know I like watching Hallmark movies and they are all the same mostly romance and a lot of time you see the bride to be going to try on wedding dresses with her mom and maid of honor and it really does look like so much fun. I guess it would have been the same at a young age going to try on prom dresses. These are some of the wonderful things young girls and ladies get to enjoy in their life that young boys and men never get to experience. Now I realize I will probably never get to do this but it is wonderful to think about. Now thinking about shopping with someone else the other thing is women will help each other, find things for them to try on and give them an honest opinion on outfits. Have you ever seen a man getting clothes for his friend in a dressing room to try on or telling him how good he looks in an outfit? As I have said it is wonderful to be female even if only part time to get to share this wonderful part of life. It was a wonderful discussion thanks for such a wonderful question, Jennifer.

Now we talked more and it was almost 9 before girls started to sign off and yes once you lose the first one you seem to lose others and by about 9:15 it was down to just Sherri and me so we got to talk for a while just the 2 of us which is nice as you really get to know the other person better. We talked for maybe 15 minutes and it was nice, Sherri is a lucky woman as she has a supportive wife and a great friend to help her, yes if you must have a helpful friend to help you having an aesthetician (beauty expert for MAC) is hitting the lottery. It was really nice and Sherri hopes to be able to come to Portland more often over the winter. She wasn’t sure she could make it on a Wednesday night but that is okay as I told her I would be willing to do other nights as I am always happy for another night as Susan especially if I can get together with someone. I also told her I could probably get a few others to go out if I had a little bit advance notice.

Well it was about 9:30 when I closed down the meeting for the night, it is always sad to see the evening and yes, this week will be little Susan time as we don’t have a dinner this week as most of the girls are out of town and it looks like I will have family in town next weekend so it may be next Monday before I get some Susan time again.

Now a funny thing, as I was getting up, I wanted to check my lipstick and see how it still looked and I was using my camera and I accidently took a candid picture of myself. Now I was leaning over and my hair was falling forward and it kind of gave me the big hair look from the 80’s. I went back and forth and somehow, I kind of like the look, will be interesting to hear other thoughts.

Be safe and be happy and thanks for reading my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

September 14, 2021 Posted by | mac, zoom | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Monday Susan time and our Zoom meeting

Well I got up early as it was my last day with my pretty red nails. Now I wanted to go out early as my male self and see if I got any comments on my nails, I was going to Starbucks to write my blog from Sunday and as I wanted to be visible with my nails, I also wanted to go to Clackamas Town center so today there was no eye makeup, I did however wear shorts and sandals so my red toes were also visible. I got to the Starbucks at Cascade Station about 8 am and got my drink, they were no busy at all at least compared to the last couple mornings. I sat down and wrote my blog and hung out here till 9:45 before leaving and going to Clackamas Town Center. I got there and walked in right as they were opening. My first stop was ULTA as I wanted a matte nail polish as I have decided Susan will go this afternoon and have the pretty color removed and get a gel clear coat and if it is too shiny, I want to be able to tone it down. I found an OPI matte I used years ago when I did the short acrylic nails for a while. I went up to purchase it and the young lady asked for my phone number as I am in their system as Susan so I gave it to her and she rang me up and gave me my total and used Susan when she referred to me which I found interesting as I was total male other then my finger nails. I paid and she complimented me on how nice my nails looked which made my day.

The other thing I wanted was last time I was shopping here with Jennifer we stopped in the small MAC store and the lady there had shown us a shimmery gold eye shadow I really liked and I wanted to get some to try it with my brown eye shadows. I walked in and I was the only one there as it was still really early. The lady there came over to see if I needed help. I explained about the gold eye shadow from a few months ago and she asked if it was a holiday one or something else and I really didn’t know we talked for a bit and I pointed at a couple and of course I got a compliment on my nails. I had been talking with her for 5 minutes or more and she finally asked if she knew me which caught me off guard but then I had been here as Susan back in March and she may have been the lady who helped Jennifer and me so I told her I had been here a while back but looked a little different so I pulled out my phone and showed her a picture of me as Susan, first time I have ever done that. She got a little excited and said Oh my God I am going to see you this week which really caught me off guard, she pulled down her mask a little and said Susan, you did come in to see me. That’s when I realized it was Tracy, the girl that came out with Sherri a couple weeks back to Southland Whiskey Kitchen and this week when we have dinner there again Sherri will be making her first time out in public and Tracy is coming with her. well we talked for a while and she gave me a sample of a primer and then gave me some suggestions on products and it turns out for doing this I got a free lipstick, I picked Russian Red which is what she called a blue red to me it is brick red. It was really fun.

It was about 1 when I got ready as Susan, I was all ready about 2:30 and on my way, I figured I would see if I could find a nail salon and remove the color from my nails and shorten them. I went to a place called Allure nail salon which I think I went here once before a few years back. They were open but only 4 people working being the holiday so I had to wait about 20 minutes, there were 2 men and 2 women working so I wondered who I would get, yes, I prefer a female but I have had a man do my nails before and that is what I would have this time. Stephen was his name and I told him I wanted the color removed, nails shortened and a clear gel polish. He did a great job and talked with me the whole time; he had just got back from a nail show in Las Vegas so we spent the whole time talking about Las Vegas. It was really nice. They are shorter but again perfectly shaped square with rounded corners and that really does make them look nice. I think even short nails that are nicely shaped is more noticeable then longer nails not well shaped. It was $22 for the color change which wasn’t bad. I left here at 4 and stopped by Starbucks to work on this blog. I stayed here till about 6 before heading home for our zoom meeting.

I started the meeting at 7 and it only took a moment for girls to start signing in. now again I am behind and writing this a week later so forgive me if I miss you in the list. I do know we had 13 girls tonight. Lorna, Marry Anne, Jennifer, Danika, Nicol, Danielle, Tori, Sherri, Jan, Lynn, Cheryl, Emily and me, I think I got everyone. Now tonight was our meeting for the wives and significant others to go into their own room but we got so busy in the conversation we never did that and they just stayed in the main room. One of Jennifer’s friends through another friend found out she has a son who is in his mid-20’s came out to her as trans and Jennifer came out to her and invited her to join tonight to talk to some of us and get some information. She is doing a wonderful job trying to understand and be supportive but as with many this is totally a new experience for her. we all shared a little about our experiences and for those who have come out how that went. Now the one piece of advice I gave was not to let anyone influence you or define you or tell you who you should be or how you feel. Get help yes and take advice but in the end only you know who you truly are and what is right for you and yes you can get pressure from both sides and every place in between. I have had people tell me I should stop this side of me, that I really want to transition fully or that I have to tell people about me and those are all personal decisions that you have to figure out for yourself with the help of others yes but it is your choice in the end.

It was great to get to know her and talk with her and yes it took up the first 1 ½ hours of our meeting but so worth it especially if we were any help to her. well after that we just talked a little and yes Jennifer did have a question for us but I was so focused on the other part of the meeting I forgot to write down who was here tonight and what the question was and now almost a week later my mind can’t remember. It was after 9 when girls started to sign off and again soon it was just Danielle and me and we talked a little longer which I really like as I have gotten to know Danielle a lot better. I love the big groups but at the end of the night one of the benefits of running the meeting is being the last one and I get a chance to usually talk one on one with some of the girls which is really nice.

It was about 9:45 when I closed down the meeting, now I am looking forward to our Wednesday night dinner at Southland Whiskey Kitchen and of course next weekend and some more Susan time. Love who you are and be happy and thanks for sharing this part of my life with me and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

In closing I have a question to ask, I try to keep my blogs right around 1100 words but do go shorter or longer sometimes. Is this too long? Should I cut things out to keep it shorter or split up into 2 blogs. I have had some suggest that 800 words is what I should keep them at, just wondering what you my readers think? Post a comment or e-mail me directly if you have thoughts.

September 11, 2021 Posted by | zoom | , , , , , | 1 Comment

Monday night zoom meeting

It is Monday and I get to spend time online with my friends tonight. I got by 4:45 and started getting ready. I took my time and tried a more natural eye makeup look with more neutrals and browns but I did try a winged eyeliner. I still can’t seem to get that but I was happy with it as it probably was my best attempt. I also went with my pinkish fuchsia colored lipstick; in all I was happy with the look. I was all ready by 6pm and got a few pictures before I sat down and finished my blog from Sunday and posted it just before it was time to start our meeting.

I started the meeting and girls signed on, tonight we had a total of 9 of us, Danika, Jennifer, Nicole, Melissa, Danielle, Emily, Tori, me and Sherri. Yes, Sherri joined in for a little bit but kept her camera off as she was in male mode as she is on vacation with her family. It was great she could join in for a little while.

Well we all talked for a while and just caught up and yes there was some good conversation, something I love as Susan. my male self is not big on just sitting around talking but Susan really enjoys it, either in person or online.

It was about 8:15 when we finally got to Jennifer’s question this week, what questions have you been asked about your transgender experience, and how have you responded? Now this is a good question and yes some of us have had the same question. Now the one I get asked the most seems to be about my sexual orientation, am I gay? The simple answer is no I am not, now I don’t men to sound bad but I am attracted Cis woman. Not transwoman or men, now there is nothing wrong with being attracted to the same sex or trans people but I just don’t have those feeling. The way I present as Susan is really what I am attracted to in woman, nice nails, lipstick, nice makeup, dresses and heel. Now the funny thing is most of the woman I have dated don’t fit what I am attracted to, most of my past girlfriends, only one had nice nails, none of them wore lipstick unless it was a special occasion and same went for wearing dresses of heels. Now I only bring this up as who you are attracted to has nothing to do. The fact I love to dress and present as Susan, wear makeup and pretty clothes and get my nails done is just that. Now once I had a girl that I was exchanging e-mails with and she kept going back to, how could I put so much effort into looking pretty (thank you) and not want to attract a man. I think the way I finally got through to her was when I started asking her that every time, she did her makeup or how she dressed wasn’t because she like it but because she was trying to attract men. How I look, what I like to wear and how I like to present in public or act is nothing more then me being who I am. Now some of the girls had this same experience.

Now there have been other questions and ii am sure some of them were good but I just can’t remember them but this one. Back in the early years of going out when we went to Embers and before we ever thought of Wednesday night dinners or my going to Starbuck, one time we closed down Embers so it was 2:30 am when we left and on my way home, I decided to stop at a WinCo and do a little shopping as I thought how busy could they be at that time. Trust me they are busy. Well I walked in in my little black dress and 4-inch heels which really made me stand out. Well I got my stuff and I am sure I got looks and I went to the checkout and they only had one open and a line of about 8 people so now I was standing close to people. Well the young lady in front of me looked at me a couple times and finally spoke to me and asked if she could ask me a question that might be a little embarrassing without offending me. Now in my mind I knew what was coming and I was prepared to explain yes, I was male and liked to dress this way, so I said yes. Well she caught me off guard. She said she was turning 30 in a couple weeks and it was really embarrassing but she had never worn heels and wanted to get some but was worried she wouldn’t be able to walk in them and she wanted to know how hard it was and how I did it, not the question I was expecting. Well we spent about 10 minutes waiting in line as I explained how I walk in heels, the difference between heel types and the biggest thing the different surfaces you walk on. It was really fun and after she paid for her groceries, she waited for me to pay for mine and we walked out together still talking as she wanted to see how I walked in them. Now I did wonder if her question was just to hear my voice to confirm what she thought but if that had been it, she probably wouldn’t have talked with me so long. It was a fun night.

Well it was about 9 when we lost the first girl and then girls dropped off quickly and soon it was just Danielle and me. Well we kept talking till almost 9:45 before I shut the meeting down, it was really enjoyable as I really like talking one on one as you really get to know each other. Now I am looking forward to Wednesday nights dinner and my 3-day weekend coming up next weekend.

Stay safe and be happy and thanks for following my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

September 3, 2021 Posted by | zoom | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Monday zoom meeting and another new girl joins

Well it is another Monday and another chance to get together with my friends online for a few hours. I got home from work and started getting ready as I won’t be able to be Susan till the weekend as I have to work late on Wednesday and go in really early on Thursday. I took my time getting ready as I wanted to look good but also it relaxes me. I went for the red look, red lipstick and a red dress. I was already by 6pm so I had an hour before the meeting starts so I caught up on some e-mails and finished my blog from Saturday and posted it.

It was just before 7 when I started the meeting and only had to wait a minute or 2 before girls started logging on. Tonight we had 12 of us, Danielle, Jenifer, Danika, Christa, Emily, Jan & Lynn, Jeannie, Nicole, Sherri and me. Now tonight was Sherri’s first official time with the group, she was actually at our last Wednesday night dinner as her male self and stopped by our table to say hi and get to know us a little. actually this was probably her first real time being visible, her wife has seen pictures and maybe on 1 or 2 occasions actually seen her dressed but the first time she has allowed anyone else to see her so it was a big step for her. I really love when we get new girls as it is so nice to see them starting to express this side of themselves and build confidence plus it takes me back when I was first trying to get the courage to leave my house. It is always nice to look back and see how far you have come, one of the reasons I keep this blog going.

Now when we first start out, we are trying to learn how to be female, act female, look, dress, do makeup and everything that goes along with this side of us. The problem is we are totally on our own. Think about it, young girls have their mom, sister, friends to help them but we are so in the closet and on our own we really have to struggle with this. I look back on some of my early pictures and think wow what was I thinking and remember for me this was before cell phones and digital cameras. I actually had to take a picture then take the film in to be developed and wait a few days and pay for them before I could see them and yes who know who looked at them.

Well we let Sherri talk a little and tell us about her and her journey and in a lot of ways it was similar to mine and the rest of us, really the big difference is how long it took for each of us to finally get the courage to accept ourselves. Remember a lot of us started before there was an internet so trying to find information on this meant going to a library and trying to find a book (not many) or new article. It wasn’t till my late teens before I even heard the term crossdresser, up to that point everything I found was about being gay or a transexual (someone who was confused abut who they were and thought they should be the opposite sex). Today with the internet and information at your fingertips it is way easier. Well Sherri is really nice and will be a good addition to our group. Our group really is wonderful and we range from the very part time crossdresser still hiding in the homes to those who have fully transitioned and living full time as their true self.

We talked a little more and had a fun time. Now it was time for Jennifer’s question of the night and it is just for discussion so if you don’t want to answer it that is fine. The question was about guilt and have we or do we have guilt about this side of us. Now some of the girls made the distinction between guilt and shame and yes there is a difference but for me it was pretty much the same. For them it was guilt about hiding it from their family or partner and shame about their actual dressing. I looked at it as it was my shame that led to my guilt.

I realized early in life that a boy who liked to be pretty and dress like a girl was somehow different and not something people accepted so I always hid this side of myself. I was ashamed I did this and wanted so bad for these feelings to go away as I was sure I was the only one in the world who felt this way. Every time I would use my mom’s lipstick the guilt came back. One I was sneaking around and doing it behind my parents back and couldn’t tell them how I felt. I don’t know what was worse at this age the hiding from my parents for fear of what they would think or say or the fact I didn’t feel I could be honest with them, a lot for a kid and this was when I was 5 to 10 years old. As I got older the feelings didn’t go away and again, I really couldn’t find any information on this. I had friends in school but never really got t close to them for fear they would find out about my secret. In high school I avoided parties as I was afraid of drinking for fear, I might say something, I saw some of the stupid things my friends did and said when they were drinking as you really do let your guard down and speak without thinking. I always say my high school had no gay or lesbian kids and certainly no transgender but it was just back then you had to hide it. when I went to my 20-year reunion 2 of the really popular girls every boy wanted to date showed up together, they were a couple now living together. Things have really changed over the years. Now I always say I have no intention of transitioning which I don’t as I am happy with who I am but in the back of my mind I often wonder if things had been like they are now back then and I was able to express this side of me openly from a young age would things be different and by that, I mean had I been able to live as a girl in school and it be totally accepted would I have taken it farther. Would I have done hormones and what impact would that have had on me. I do believe we are who we are but I also realize we are influenced by things around us.

Well it was about 9 when girls started to sign off and soon it was just Danielle and me and we talked a little more and yes, we did talk about mask mandates and vaccines and we have a little different view on them but that is okay. I am going to get a little political now so feel free to skip over the red text part. I do not support the mask mandate on vaccinated people as the risk to them is so low I can’t justify the giving up of personal freedom. On the vaccine I support it and feel people should get it especially if they are in a high-risk group but I also recognize their personal freedom not to get it, “Their body their choice and the fact that medical decisions should be left between them and their doctor”. I also feel if you have already had the virus, you have better immunity than the vaccine and should not take it just like the fact if you are under 20 the risk of the virus is so low, I don’t think you need it unless you have health issues. I am totally against the government or any business forcing someone to get the vaccine, we live in a free country or at least we use to. I also am against having to show if you are vaccinated or not to do things, this is not how a free country works. The biggest issue is the hiding of information both by the government, news media and big tech. Anything against the vaccine or against what the government is doing is shut down which is also not how a free society works. Now I believe for the most part the vaccine is safe and people should use it but I also realize that any medicine has some kind of side effect and is higher for some people then others. Any medicine or vaccine you see on TV or hear on the radio talks about these and gives warning for those who should not take them and tells you to check with your doctor first but the Covid vaccine this is blocked and hidden. I have both my shots right now but I am not going to get a 3rd shot till they are truthful with the people and let them have all the information so they can make an informed decision.

Well it was almost 10pm well at east here, I think it was around noon in Thailand where Danielle lives so we decided to sign off as I needed to get to bed. It was a good night. now I am looking forward to the weekend as I am not sure I will make it out on Wednesday.

Stay safe and be happy and accept other peoples differences including their beliefs and views.

Thanks for reading my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

August 28, 2021 Posted by | zoom | , , , , | Leave a comment

Monday night Zoom meeting

It is Monday and I get to spend a fun evening online with my friends and I have a good question for tonight. I got home and had time before the meeting so I took my time getting ready. this is my me time, my relaxing time, doing my makeup is so good for me as it relieves all my stress. I tell people this all the time find something you enjoy and find time to do it. I did a less dramatic eye look but went with my pinkish lipstick, still trying to decide if it is a good color for me as in some pictures it looks good others not to sure about. I dd go with my long blonde hair though and I thought it was a good look for the night. I was already a little after 6 so I still had plenty of time. I posted my blog from Saturday and started working on my blog from Sunday as I am once again behind on my blogs.

It was just before 7 when I started the meeting and yes girls were waiting. Now tonight was a smaller group as we only had 8 of us, Jennifer, Jan & Lynn, Melissa, Nicole, Emily, Danielle and me. I had hopes one of our new girls Sherri would join us as she just joined our group over the weekend but she didn’t. We took a little time and caught up on how everyone was doing and then I decided it was time for my question and it really wasn’t a group question but more one for Melissa. Now today at work one of my co-workers was talking to me, I have worked with her for several years including a few years back when I had my short acrylic nails for over a year. Any way she told me her son came out to her over the weekend as Transgender, so I guess now her daughter. Any way she was telling me about it and how her ex-husband is having a hard time with it and she was looking for information and a therapist but wasn’t having any luck. Well we talked for a bit and I did think briefly about telling her about myself but chickened out but I did tell her I had a friend who had transitioned 1 ½ years ago and asked her if she would like me to find out who her therapist is and she said that would be wonderful. So that was my question for Melissa tonight. Well Melissa was wonderful. She not only quickly I might ad e-mailed me who her therapist was but also several links to information that helped her come out so I will share that with you all, they may be more for the Portland Area. Thanks Melissa.


The PFLAG Our Trans Loved Ones publication:

https://pflag.org/sites/default/files/Our%20Trans%20Loved%20Ones.pdf

PFLAG Portland is a support group for families of LGBT+ people. This was useful for my mom.

https://pflagpdx.org/

Maybe try calling the Qcenter
https://www.pdxqcenter.org/

The way I found my therapist was here. You can adjust for location:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/transgender/or/portland

Brave Space is another popular place to find support and resources:

https://www.bravespacellc.com/

Pod cast on trans mom raising her trans daughter

KUOW – How to Be a Girl

Anyhow, that is a good start, I think.

Melissa

We actually talked about this and my co-worker and if I thought she talked to me about this because she thinks I am transgender or knows about my dressing and to tell you the truth I don’t know. I did get my ears pierced 1 ½ years ago and she was one of the ladies who noticed, and when I did have my acrylic nails a few years back she did notice that also and even now I really do have nice nails for a man. I have been working on them keeping them a square and just a little long and of course using OPI nail envy which is a wonderful nail hardener if you want to grow your own nails out. they do have a matte finish one I was using but last time I needed it they were out so I got the regular one which is shiny as you can see from this picture. Any way it would not be out of the question if her or others were at least wondering. As I have said before I am not coming out to people but I am also not hiding.

Well we all talked some more and then it was time for Jennifer’s group question of the night, where do we get our fashion sense and what is it? now this is a really good question and I am sure we all went through several types including sexy or trashy depending on your view. Even those who transition later in life usually at least try these looks and I think it is we missed it growing up. Females grow up this way and experience all of it and in some way, we have to grow through all of it also. I love the sexy dresses young women wear and I even have a few but what I have learned over time is one they don’t look right on older woman and 2 you really need the proper body shape for these looks and even a lot of women can’t pull off these looks let alone me so these are more for fun around the house. Same with heels, I love high heels but again being 6-foot bare foot heels do make me stand out even more. The average height for woman is between 5’6″ and 5’7″ so heels get them close to the average height for a man 5’11” to 6′. Even tall woman are about the same as the average male. I have learned that if I am going out and want to blend in, I have to wear flats or very low heels. Same goes for makeup and yes, I probably do a little more then the average woman my age but I have to hide a lot and shape my face. So although I love those things and looks, I have been trying to tone down my look.

For me as you all know I love to go to Starbucks as Susan for a few hours, well one of the great things about this is I get a good chance to people watch and I get a good cross section of people from high school to retired people and yes, all kinds of dress, I have even seen on occasion women come into Starbucks looking like they were getting ready for a fashion shoot or a prom although that is a small section of the people. I have used this to gage what I should be wearing and how I should look and I have found that leggings, capri’s and skinny jeans seem to be the most common look so that is where I have been focusing and yes, some wear skirts so that is also an option. Yes, I love the fun looks but when I am going out, I am trying to blend in more unless it is to the Escape on a Saturday night or we have a big group going out to dinner, face it if you have 4 or more transgender people in one group you will stick out no matter how good you all look.

The point I am trying to make if you are going out and want to blend see what other women are wearing at the places you want to go. That beings said also realize you are going to stick out at least some, none of us pass 100% of the time. I even work with a lady who is really tall and she sometimes gets misgendered or people think she is transgender. If you are going out know this but be positive and act as though it is perfectly normal and smile and 99% of people will be okay with it, yes you will get some looks but who cares. When I go out, I am sure I get looks and people notice but I have never really had a problem and for the most part no one really pays any attention to me. People have busy lives and they are more concerned about their own life then yours and what you look like or how you are dressed.

Well it was about 8:30 tonight when some of the girls started to log off and by 9 it was just Jan, Lynn and me and as I had to go to work early tomorrow, we closed the meeting down for the night. now I am looking forward to Wednesday nights dinner and the weekend when I will get to be Susan on Saturday.

Stay safe and be happy with who you are and live your life. Thanks for reading my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

August 21, 2021 Posted by | zoom | , , , , , | 1 Comment

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