Susanmillers Blog

My life as a heterosexual crossdresser.

A hot Saturday as Susan and a drive to the beach

Well it is Saturday and is going to be 106 to 108 in Vancouver today and so I have decided to make a drive to the beach for the day. Now those of you who follow my blog know my mom passed away 2 weeks ago and while she was in the hospital, I told her I would take her for a drive to the beach when she got better which she never did but I am still going to make the drive but as Susan. My plan was to be on the road by 8 which didn’t quite happen as it was 8:30 when I was on my way. I took my time getting ready and did a medium smokey eye look with false lashes, probably a little much for a beach trip but this is more about the drive. I have taken my mom to Astoria and Fort Stevens a few times since my dad passed away 2 ½ years ago as this is something they use to do and the last couple years before my dad passed away, I would go with them as my dad didn’t like driving that far so that is my plan today. I drove up to Longview and crossed the river over to Hwy 30 and took that all the way to Seaside. I really hit no traffic so I had high hopes it would not be that crowded at the beach, I was wrong.

I got to Seaside at 10:30 and hit a little traffic on Hwy 101 going into town but when I turned off to go down by the beach it stopped. It took me about 15 minutes to go 5 blocks and I was still about 6 blocks from the beach and nothing was moving and people walking everywhere headed down to the beach so I gave up and turned off and went back to Hwy 101 and decided to go to Fort Stevens as I figured the beach area would be less crowded. I got to Fort Stevens and went to the beach where the old shop wreck is and it was packed. The parking lot was full and they were parked along the street about ½ mile back, so I drove down by the jetty and this was fenced off as they are doing construction there so I left and went further down looking for someplace to get to the beach. Now as I came around the corner there was a huge Elk on the left side of the road so I stopped to look at her and she didn’t even look up just stood there eating the grass. I drove on and about a ¼ mile up was another Elk on the right shoulder eating grass so I stopped right next to her and she was maybe 5 feet from my car. I rolled down my passenger window and she didn’t move so I yelled hi at it and she lifted her head and turned and looked right at me through the open window, I bet if I had a carrot or apple, I could have got her to stick her head in my window, it was really awesome. A car came up behind me so I drove off but regretted not getting a picture.

I stopped at another parking area that was only about ¼ full so I had high hopes. I locked my purse in the trunk and took just my keys and cell phone, yes, I wore jean capris today as I figured I could put my phone in my back pocket and my keys in the front. I walked across the parking lot and started down the trail through the woods to the beach. It was between a ¼ & ½ mile till it opened up on the grassy dunes above the beach and it was hard to walk in the sand with my sandals so I took them off in the sand. Big mistake, even though it was only about 75 degrees out the loose sad was incredibly hot, I don’t know why but I made it about 20 feet and stopped and put my sandals back on. Now I had to climb a big hill about 100 feet up which in loose sand is a challenge but I got up on the top and had a beautiful view of the ocean and the beach below, about 300 feet below and there were lots of people down on the beach. Now there was a trail going down but it was really steep so I walked along the top looking for an easier way down. I did pass a few people and I smiled and said hi and they all said hi back to me. I did notice a few of the woman had on eye makeup but none of them had on lipstick. O walked about a ½ mile down and none of the paths down looked that easy as a matter of fact the one that looked the best and I was going to try it till I watched a group of 5 people trying to come up it and they were having trouble so I decided to walk back to my car and try another place.

I drove down by the mouth of the Columbia River and found another parking area and it was about half full so I decided to try one of these trails. They were doing construction here also but I had hopes, well the one trail went about ¼ mile along the fence and then ended so I took the trail down by the Columbia River, it went to a wildlife viewing area overlooking the tidal fields in the mouth or the river so I never did get on the beach but did get a few short walks in and saw some pretty views and yes got a few pictures.

It was about 12:30 so I decided to leave and drive over to Ilwaco Washington and Long beach, the last trop I did with both my mom and dad we did this and then drove back the Washington side. I can remember my parents taking me and my brother Salmon fishing out of Ilwaco a few times back in the 70’s. I was hungry by now so I planed on eating in Long Beach. By the way, the drive across the Astoria bridge is beautiful and you get an awesome view. I got to Long Beach and traffic stopped just like seaside but on the main road through town, I didn’t move for 5 minutes and then only because cars in front of me started turning off the main road so I did the same thing. Everything headed north through town was backed up so I turned around and headed back and the only thing I saw was a McDonalds so I went through the drive through and got some food and drove back a few miles and parked in a pull out overlooking the Columbia River and ate there in my car. I think one of the things I want to do this summer is drive along the beach (maybe as Susan or my male self) but I figure 2 – 2-day trips. One leave my house and drive to Astoria and then down to the southern Oregon border and the back home. And one up to Tacoma, Port Angeles and then down the Washington coast. I think I could do them in 2 long days.

It was about 3:40 now and so I decided to head for home, going the Washington side is about 15 miles further but time wise only 12 minutes and it really is a prettier drive as a lot of the drive you are right along side the Columbia River. It was a nice relaxing day and something I wish I could have taken my mom on. I got home about 6 pm and unloaded my car, I had taken a cooler and my computer just in case. I made myself a salad for dinner, yes trying to eat healthier and I finished my blog from Wednesday night’s dinner and posted it. It was about 6:45 and I checked my makeup and decided to go to the Starbucks up on Mill Plain and work on my blog for today. I stayed here till 9pm before leaving.

When I left Starbucks, I decided to drive by the Escape and check it out, it was still 97 degrees out so I just drove by to see what it looked like but didn’t stop. It was almost 10pm when I got home. Now I am looking forward to another day tomorrow as Susan but it will be even hotter tomorrow, today it got up to 106 and the next 2 days they are forecasting 113. I will most likely spend the day at home or maybe a brief trip to Starbucks.

Stay safe and be happy with who you are. Thanks for reading my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

June 27, 2021 Posted by | Beach, Susan Time | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Wednesday night dinner at Southland Whiskey kitchen

Well it is Wednesday night and my first official Wednesday night dinner in over a year, yes a few of the girls have gone put the last 2 weeks but I was unable to go those nights. In a way it is kind of fitting as our last official Wednesday night dinner before the shutdown for the Covid virus was March 11 2020 and it was at Southland Whiskey Kitchen and now 15 months later we are going back there for dinner. I called on my way home from work and made reservations for 7pm for 4 of us, yes it will be a small group tonight. I think it may take a while to start getting bigger group as some are still worried about the virus. Now I am not downplaying the virus as with everything there are different views and that is okay as that is what makes us each unique. If you are comfortable going out and resuming life s normal don’t give those who aren’t a hard time or demand they feel as you and if you are worried about going out and don’t feel it is safe don’t give those who want to go out a hard time or demand they feel the same as you do, it is called tolerance for everyone.

I got home and started getting ready as I wanted to leave y 6 to give myself time to get there. I took my time getting ready as I wanted to look my best for my first Wednesday night dinner out. I was all ready by 6 and got a few pictures before leaving my house. Now it is only about 20 minutes to get there with no traffic but at this time of night I figured I would have traffic plus parking in this area of Portland is not easy and I figured with them taking out some of the street parking to put outdoor donning in it would be even worse. Well I had no traffic and was downtown by 6:20 and I found a parking spot a ½ block away without driving around so I was parked before 6:30 so I had time to kill so I got a few pictures in my car before walking over and checking in for our reservation. The outside dining was full but they had several open tables inside so I was shown to a table right away.

I was only there a few minutes ad Barb showed up, and a little before 7 Melissa showed up and Trish showed up about 7:05 so we were all there. We talked for a little bit before we ordered dinner. Now I got my usual, pulled pork, au gratin potato and mac and cheese. Now the prices were higher than before the shutdown 15 months ago, about 20% higher but I guess that is to be expected as a lot of the businesses lost a lot of money over the last 15 months and I am happy to support them. We did talk a little about next week’s dinner and I think we will see if Mothers Bistro is open as that is another good place to go.

We had a nice dinner and wonderful conversation and it was just goo to be out again with friends. Our waitress was wonderful and treated us great, but we have always had wonderful service here. I would still highly recommend Southland Whiskey Kitchen if you want a nice dinner, figure on $20 to $30 but if you like Whiskey they have a huge selection and on Wednesday nights they have a special where you get lower rates on Whiskey, not sure how much as I don’t drink but worth checking out.

We sat and talked till 9 before leaving as they close at 9 now, shorter hours till things pick up more. It was a wonderful evening out and I am so glad we can start doing this again. It was still light out and in the low 80’s so it was a nice walk back to my car which wasn’t far. It will be interesting once things get back to normal as I said they took up about 8 parking spots in front for their outdoor dining area and I saw at least 8 other restaurants in this area that have done the same.

Now I am looking forward to this weekend and spending it as Susan, it will be really hot in the low 100’s and yes I am planning on making a drive to the coast, it will be busy there so probably won’t get to do much but it is more about making the drive as that is something I had promised my mom we would do as soon as she got out of the hospital but that wont happen as she passed away but I still plan on doing it but as Susan, plus I think it will be a little cooler at the coast at least on Saturday.

Stay safe and be happy with who you are. Thanks for reading my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see wat is new in my life.

June 26, 2021 Posted by | Dinner out, Susan Time | , , , , , | 1 Comment

Monday night zoom meeting.

Well it is Monday night and I get to host the zoom meeting again tonight, my first in over a month so I am looking forward to it. I think it will be a little smaller group as a few of the girls are out of town this week. Now it will be different tonight as I would normally get at least 1 phone call from my mom during the meeting, I think that is the hardest thing as she would call me at least a few times a day so when I get a phone call that is the first thing I think of.

Well o got home a little before 5 and started getting ready. Yes, I took my time as I wanted to look my best. I was all ready by 6:30 so I had time before the meeting started so I got a few pictures. It was just before 7 when I started the meeting. It was just after 7 when girls started to sign on and tonight, we had 9 of us, we had Nicole, Danika, Melissa, Danielle, Tori, Antonia, Trish, Maille and myself. It was so nice to be able to chat and see my friends again. Now I was a lot more quiet this week and pretty much just listened to the others talk. It was just casual conversations, and yes, we talked about the heat wave coming this weekend. Starting Thursday we will have 10 day’s above 90 with the weekend forecast a lot hotter, Saturday 107, Sunday 113, & Monday 111. Now I cannot remember it ever being hotter than 103 or 104 here so these will probably be records highs if we really do get that hot.

We did talk a little about our Wednesday night dinner this week at Southland Whiskey Kitchen and Trish said she would join Barb, Melissa and me so we will have 4 of us. It was about 8:30 when girls started to sign off and soon it was just Danielle and me left. We talked for about 30 more minutes before we called it a night.

It was a fun night and now I am looking forward to Wednesday nights dinner and this weekend as Susan. Now it will be really hot this weekend so I will either be Susan in my house or maybe take a drive, originally, I had planned to drive to the coast Saturday just for the day, something I had planned to do with my mom once she got out of the hospital. I still want to do this day trip but now it will be as Susan, I will decide Saturday morning what I will do.

Stay safe and be happy with who you are. Thanks for reading my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

June 25, 2021 Posted by | zoom | , , , | Leave a comment

Susan time on Sunday June 20th

Well it is Sunday June 20th and I am going to spend most of the day as Susan. I would like to wish my father (all fathers) a Happy Father’s Day. Now today is hard for 2 reasons, one being Father’s Day as my dad passed away 2 ½ years ago but also being Sunday the day I usually spend with my mom who passed away a little over a week ago. One of the reasons today will be a Susan day to take my mind off it.

I started getting ready at noon for my day and yes o once again took my time getting ready and enjoying doing my makeup. I was all ready by 1:30 my first stop was at Albertson’s to pick up some flower as I am going to go to the cemetery and put flowers on my dad’s grave for Father’s Day. It is going to be in the mid 90’s today which is hot for Portland. I was in and out with my flowers and one my way. I got to the cemetery a little after 2 and it was already almost 90 and there were a lot of people here so I had to park a little further away then normal. I went and put the flowers on my dad’s grave but did pull a few out and put them on the space next to him which I am pretty sure will be where my mom will be laid to rest. I spent about 30 minutes here before leaving as it was really hot in the sun.

Now it was back to Vancouver and I drove down by the river as I thought about taking a walk but it was packed and there was no parking so I was headed home and noticed they had something going on downtown Vancouver by Esther shore park and there is also a Starbuck’s right there also. I found a parking spot right in front of the Starbucks do I parked, the 3 tables out front were taken and they looked busy inside so I left my computer in the trunk and went in and got a Kiwi starfruit refresher and then decided to walk down the block to the farmer’s market. Lots of trees so you are not in the sun that much. I wondered around just looking for about an hour, yes I was walking slow in the heat. It was a nice relaxing afternoon and I did see a couple people I know from several years back and really it was more of friend in common so I doubt they would recognize me.

I walked back to where I parked and one of the tables out front was open so I got my computer and went in and ordered another drink and the lady also gave me a glass of water which was nice as I said it is now a little after 4 and about 93 degrees out but the tables are in the shade now and there is a slight breeze. I set up my computer and got online. Now being downtown the tables are right next to the windows and there were 2 couples at the table just inside opposite me, are tables were literally 1 foot apart with glass in between us. The first thing was to finish my blog from yesterday and post it. then it was just relaxing and working a little on todays blog and catching up on things on my computer. It was a relaxing day and of course as the farmer’s market shut down lots of people walked by so it was good for people watching also. Now a few times it got really hot as the breeze stopped for a while but just about when I was ready to give up the breeze would come back. Even in the 90’s if you are not in the sun and there is a breeze it is nice out. I sat here till almost 6 before leaving to go find something to eat for dinner. I have come to this Starbucks a couple times before and it is a nice area downtown.

On my way home I drove by the house I grew up in and the condo my parents lived in before they went into assisted living. After this I stopped by Panda Express to get some dinner before going home for the night. I had a nice dinner at home and then watched TV till it was time for bed. Now I am looking forward to Monday night and hosting our weekly zoom meeting again and our Wednesday night dinner if I can get a few girls to go. It will be good to get back into a normal routine and spend time with my friends.

Stay safe and be happy and thanks for reading my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.


June 21, 2021 Posted by | Starbucks, Susan Time | , , , , | Leave a comment

Saturday Susan time and trying to get back to somewhat normal June 19

Well it is Saturday and my first chance to spend some time as Susan and go out. my last real time as Susan was almost a month ago as I have been dealing with some family issues, my mom passed away a week ago. Now 2 days ago I did dress at home but today I wanted to get back to a more normal life, really trying to take my mind off things. I had a little work to do this morning, organizing my garage as we put most of my moms’ stuff there till, we can go through it so it was about 1 when I started getting ready.

Today I was going to take my time and enjoy doing my makeup and relax plus I wanted to try a little different eyebrow shape. It was so relaxing and did take my mind off things, it really does make me feel better transforming myself. I spent almost 2 hours getting ready and I came close on my eyebrows to the picture I was looking at. I did try a different hair style an older one and was happy with the look and did get a few pictures.

It was almost 3 now and I needed to start my day and yes, the first thing was to go and do my weekly grocery shopping. This is something I have been doing for a while and I knew it would be different as I would not be getting dinner for me and my mom tomorrow, yes Sundays will be the hardest days I think as I had been bringing her to my house for the day. Now I have been parking my car in the driveway as my garage was a mess but it is clean enough now to start parking inside again at least at night. I grabbed my purse and walked out the front door and got in my car, didn’t see any of my neighbors outside which surprised me as it is a beautiful day today, mid 80’s and sunny. I was off to the grocery store.

I went to the Albertsons by my house and went in, they don’t require masks if you are vaccinated which I am and they were not real busy, yes when it is crowded, I am still wearing my mask. I went in and did my shopping and spent about 30 minutes getting my stuff. Now as I shopped, I got thinking, I have been going to this store for almost 30 years as my male self and yes, a lot of the employees know me, maybe not by name but they see me all the time and I have gone here as Susan over the last year but this is the first time without my mask and I wondered if any of them would recognize me. Well if they did, they didn’t say anything and really the only one I had any interaction with was the young girl in the check out but she was a newer employee. Now as I shopped, I did see a few people I knew down aisles but I never got to close to them. I got home and just parked in the driveway and took my groceries in and put them away.

It was about now so I decided to go to Starbucks for a little while and catch up on some e-mails and enjoy a little me time. I grabbed my computer and was out the door again and yes one of my neighbors 2 houses down was out working in her yard but she never looked my way. I was off and it only took a few minutes to get to Starbucks as it is only about a mile away. I got there and they looked a little busy. They have 5 tables out front and 4 of them were taken, a group of 4, a group of 5, and 2 couples so I walked by them and went inside to get my drink. A couple of the employees greeted me by name which is awesome as I haven’t been here much lately with the restrictions that were in place but that made me feel good. Now it is a beautiful day out and I really wanted to sit outside but there was a slight breeze so debated about sitting inside. I had 1 lady in front of me in line as o watched the breeze in the trees out front. I decided if the one table was open, I would sit outside as I could face into the breeze so it wouldn’t mess my hair to much. Now I always get the same thing when I come to Starbucks, if it is cold, it is a hot chocolate and if not that I get the sweetened green tea. Now as I stood there, I saw on their board a kiwi starfruit refresher so when it was my turn, I asked the young man about it and decided to try it. it took a few minutes and when he gave me my drink, he told me if I didn’t like it, he could get me something else which I thought was nice.

I took my drink and went out and sat down at one of the open tables, 3 tables were behind me and one I was facing, the one with 4 people at but no one seemed to pay any attention to me. I set up my computer and caught up on some e-mails, thanks to all who have e-mailed me the last week with their condolences it really helped. By the way the kiwi starfruit refresher is awesome, I will definitely have again. It was a beautiful day out and the breeze wasn’t that bad. It was so relaxing and nice to be out again. I did a little work also, it was about 5:30 and the people, at the other tables had left so I took the opportunity to get a quick picture and the timing couldn’t have been better as about 10 minutes later there were more people sitting outside, 1 man at a table, a couple at the next and 3 ladies beside me. I even went in and got another drink, the same one. I stayed here till about 6:30 and then it was time to figure something out for dinner as I haven’t eaten since breakfast. It was such a relaxing time and yes helped take my mine off things in my life. As I sat here, I was trying to figure out my Susan time as I really do want to find a good balance in my life between male and female. Here is what I have come up with for Susan. Monday evenings for our zoom meeting, Wednesday evenings if we have a dinner, Saturday as that has been my Susan day and I think Sundays as Susan also so I can take my mind of not spending the day with my mom, that is 2 days and 2 evenings and I think that will work.

It was about 6:30 when I left Starbucks as the sun had gone down enough that I was now sitting in the sun and it was getting hot. Now I have been eating healthier, more vegetable, less fast food and salads but as it was getting late and a quarter pounder sounded good so I stopped by McDonalds on my way home and got dinner. It was a good day and something I have needed for a while. I went home and ate and just sat and watched TV till it was time for bed. Now I am looking forward to Sunday and yes that will be a harder day but I will spend it as Susan. I would like to wish all the fathers a Happy Father’s Day.

Stay safe and happy and thanks for reading my blog and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

June 20, 2021 Posted by | Starbucks, Susan Time | , , , , | 2 Comments

Thursday and finally a little Susan time at home.

Well it has been over 4 weeks sense I have had time to be Susan and express this side of me. I usually keep my male side separate from my Susan side and don’t talk about it but in this case, I am going to take a little time. back on Memorial Day weekend my mom was not doing well and I took her to the ER. They ended up admitting her and over the next 2 weeks she was getting better till a little over a week ago when she took a turn for the worse. On June 8th, I put her on Palliative care and on June 11th she passed away peacefully. It has been a ruff 4 weeks as the last week was cleaning her stuff out of where she lived and taking care of all the final stuff that needed to be done. I went through this with my dad 2 ½ years ago and now my mom but they are both together now. Now like my dad I never told her and I don’t think she knew although I did show her a couple pictures of Susan at the end when she opened her eyes but I doubt she new it was me. Any way with that and my brother here on and off for the last 3 weeks Susan was hid away in my closet. Most everything is done now until the funeral and I am hoping to get back to a more normal life although it will be hard as a lot of my life was taking care of my mom. And that brings e to today. This morning was busy with me and my brother calling everyone you need to notify. It was about noon when we finished and my brother left for home. So I did a few more things and then decided I needed some Susan time.

It was about 2pm and I decided to dress up for the first time in 4 weeks. I am not going anyplace and just going through some of my moms stuff at home shredding papers we don’t need any more and I wanted to do it as her daughter. I had to dig all my stuff out and did my makeup. I spent about 1 ½ hours getting ready and it did help me feel better, as I said it will just be here at home today but I think it is good to try to gat back to normal things in my life to help bring balance back. I have thought a lot about this over the last 2 weeks and in a way it is hard to explain how I feel. My mom was almost 93 and I know she is in a better place, in heaven with my dad so most of what I am feeling is the loss in my life and it really is the little things. No more phone calls or going over to visit her or having her at my house on Sundays. I guess what I am saying is cherish the time you have with your loved ones as that is time you will never get back and it does create a hole in your life.

Well I was all dressed by 4 and did get a few pictures but only 2 turned out well enough to post, just wasn’t in a photographic mood today. I did spend a while shredding old tax returns and paperwork, my dad had filed everything going back 20 years in his file cabinet. I did make a lot of trips out to my recycling bin to dump the basket in and yes, my bin is almost full now. Somehow doing this stuff as Susan seemed to help me get through today. I finished this a little after 6 and made a quick dinner and watched an old Star Trek show. Now I am sitting on my deck writing this my first blog in 4 weeks.

Saturday, I plan on being Susan again for the day and will go to Starbucks for part of it and maybe go put flowers on my dad’s grave site and the empty spot next to him which I am pretty sure is reserved for my mom as she was also in the Navy and eligible to be laid to rest at Willamette National cemetery. I hope to get back into our Zoom meeting, (Thanks Jennifer and Melissa for hosting them the last few weeks while I was not able to) and our Wednesday night dinners which they also did. I am also thinking of going to the coast for the day in a week as that is one thing my mom had wanted to do and I was planning once the weather got nice and we just didn’t make it. the question will be will it be as Susan or my male self or maybe do it twice once as Susan and once as my male self.

Life will be different and it will be a challenge to get back into a normal routine, after my dad past I was busy with taking care of my mom so that really helped me get through that but this time I don’t have that. The hard part will be finding the balance in my life as Susan really does make me happy and feel good but she is only part of who I am and I will have to be careful to maintain the balance in my life and not let her take it over. I do need my male self also but I can see that will be the harder part of my life for a while. I am sorry if I am rabbling as this is more of a blog for me. Any way I go back to work tomorrow and will work on getting some normalcy back into my life, eat better, exercise more and hopefully get back to posting on my blog about my time as Susan.

Take time with the people you love and thanks for reading my blog and being part of my life, and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new on my life.

June 17, 2021 Posted by | Susan Time | , , , , | 16 Comments


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