Susanmillers Blog

My life as a heterosexual crossdresser.

Friday night out

The end of the week is here and I was looking forward to Friday night, I have missed the last 2 Fridays do to other things so it would be good to be back and see some of my friends. I got home late almost 5:30 so it would be a rush to get ready. It was straight into the shower and then makeup and getting dressed. I was out the door at 6:20 and on my way.

I got to Sweet Home at 6:30 and Roxy and Chris were already there, Chris playing pool. I got out my computer and caught up on some things I needed to do, wow life is just really busy right now. I ordered dinner and while I waited talked with Chris & Roxy some. My dinner came and it was awesome as always, never had a bad meal here yet.

It was kind off quiet here tonight at least early on as it never really gets busy till it is time for Karaoke as that is what most people come for but it was nice as it gave us a chance to talk. It is funny as some of the girls I talk with it is all about where they are or go, some want to dance or see a show, play pool or sing karaoke. For me it is about being out and the people I am with. Just being able to go out as Susan and do I guess what you would call the day to day things, it makes me feel I am Susan and female when I am living this part of my life.

Susan is a part of me and helps make me the person I am and as such she should be able to fit in any part of my life and what I mean by that is all the things I would do as my male self. going grocery shopping or running to he store, putting gas in my car basically anything I would do as my male self I should also be able to do as Susan. Now I know as I have people who don’t know about Susan does limit that some but it limits who I do things with and not what I do and that is what I am talking about and what I need and want for Susan.

Over the years I use to look at Susan as this other side  of me a different person if you will and I guess she is but really she is more than that. She is a part of me an extension of me, she is always with me and helps shape who I am. When I talk with people, work with them or do things it does not matter if I am Susan or my male self as both are present and what you see and hear is them together making me the person I am. I guess what I am saying is I am happy with who I am and hat is a wonderful thing and I really have my wonderful friends to thank as they helped me find my true self.

Well it started to get busier as the night went on and soon the other group started to show up. They really are a fun group. Mareinna and Dawni were there and it is always great to see them. there are friends from the other group I really look forward to seeing even if we really don’t get to talk much. By now it was just Chris and I as Roxy had left. $ guys and a girl came over and talked with me, I have met the girl and 1 of the guys here before and I am terrible with names but the one guy I have met before is Curtis and one of the guys was Jeremy.

I had a good conversation with Jeremy and the young lady. they were both fascinated with the fact that I am not full time nor do I want to be and I can understand that. I really think it is easier for someone to understand someone who feel they are the opposite sex or were born in the wrong body. understanding someone who doesn’t want to change or be the other sex full time is hard. it took me years to understand I myself.

The best way I can explain it is this. if you look at Gender as a scale from 0 to 10, 0 being ultra feminine, 5 gender neutral and 10 a macho jerk most people will pick a number in the middle which really isn’t right. it really is a sliding scale. most females with fall in a range from 2 to 5 depending on what they are doing, first date, wedding day, going out dancing with friends, working in the yard, cleaning the house or watching sports on TV and the same go for men as they will act differently at a bar watching football with their buddies then on a date with their wives or girlfriends. we all have a range.

My range is just wider I fall between a 2 & 8 with my most comfortable place between a 4 and 5 so I guess I am just a little on the feminine side although I am good at hiding it as I usually act as a 6 when I am my male self. again I am not talking about my bodies sex or sexual preference I am talking about my emotional state and how I feel and view things. I like the softer and prettier clothes and shoes women have. I like the makeup and to look and feel pretty. it is funny how society views this. I love getting my nails done and yes if I could they would be long and red all the time and it comes with a cost. I go every 2 to 3 weeks now and et a manicure and every other time a pedicure and I am guessing I will spend $1,000 a year on my nails. I have asked many women why they get their nails done and I have gotten I enjoy it, it relaxes me, I like having my nails done or I like having pretty or long nails, what I have never herd is I do it because I am female. the same goes for me, I enjoy it, it relaxes me, I like having pretty nails. For some reason though people look at it as a man should not like these things because they are a man but women can either like or dislike getting their nails done.

People have this impression that being male means you only like certain things but trust me liking something has nothing to do with being male of female it just has to do with liking it. I need to have both Susan my female side and my male side in my life. it would be great if Susan could play a bigger part in my life but I also realize I need my male side as he does the things like yard work, cleaning the garage and cleaning the gutters to name a few and yes I know that sounds sexist but its not. Yes Susan could do all those things too but she would be worried about getting her clothes or herself dirty, breaking a nail or messing up her hair or makeup so she is happy to have a male side for these things. In some ways I really do have the best of both worlds. Someday Susan may play a bigger role in my life but the one thing I know for sure is there will always want and need my male side. I think the key to understanding me and others like me is to forget about what sex our body is and just look at us as a person and how we feel.

It was fun talking with them and I got to know them a little better, really wish I had got all their names but I am sure I will see them again. Karaoke started and it was fun. a lot of the songs sang tonight I knew and could sing along with. Chris left about 10:30 but I stayed a little while longer and listened to some more singing. it was a fun night and a great way to start the weekend. it was a little after 11 when I left.

Happy Memorial Day weekend, a weekend we celebrate to thank those who gave their lives for our freedom. I want to thank all the veterans for their service and although today it may not seem like your nation appreciates you we do.

We live in a great country with all kinds of freedoms including life liberty and the pursuit of happiness and of course freedom of speech. The fact I can be who I am be Susan is because of these freedoms. the hardest part for people is to recognize others freedom. what I mean by this is I have the right to be Susan but you also have the right not to like it and I accept that. You have the right to tell me I am wrong to live this way and I have the right to tell you that you are wrong and how I live my life is fine. What neither of us have he right to do is deny the other his right to speech. I bring his up because of all the protests we are seeing. I am not saying you have to support Trump or like him but he does have the right to speak and you need to support that right. protesting and trying to deny him that right is wrong and illegal. it is no different then if conservatives denied us the right to be who we are or speak about our views and before you attack me for this there is a different between speaking out against something or trying to change laws to how you believe and violence and trying to physically stop people. as sad as it sounds these people are criminals and that reflects on us as a groups as they say they are doing it on our behalf. So I am taking a stand and saying what they are doing is wrong and they should be arrested and do not support their actions.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend and if you see a veteran thank them or give them a hug.

 

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May 28, 2016 Posted by | Sweethome, Thoughts on Crossdressing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The week is over and time finally some time for Susan

Well another long and busy week on my male side and no time for Susan till tonight. It is funny the change that comes over me when I get time for Susan, a calming happy feeling. Now I am not saying I am not happy in my male life but there is something about being Susan that makes everything good. We all have that one or two things in our lives that we love to do and look forward and can’t wait till we can do it and it makes us so happy when we can, well for me that is being Susan. No matter what is going on in my life being Susan makes it better.

I started getting ready which always puts me in a good mood as I so love transforming myself to female. it is fun to try different looks with makeup. over the last year I have really been working on my eye makeup and I think I am getting pretty good at it and the look I like. I have also been working on my lips, it is amazing how the way you draw your lips in can have a subtle change in the way you look, fuller lips make a difference if done right. Last week I tried using 2 different colors of foundation, light and dark to contour my face and I think it does make a Susan Miller at Sweet Home 2-5-2016 (1)difference so I was going to do that again tonight. Like I said I love playing with makeup. I started with my moms lipstick when I was probably 5. I just loved it, I really never thought about dressing till I was probably 12 or so. It is a shame men can’t wear makeup as that would be so awesome.

I got to Sweethome just as it started to rain really hard. Now as a guy rain really doesn’t bother me but Susan does not like getting wet. I was lucky enough to get a parking spot not far from the door but it really was raining hard so I had to use my umbrella. Now comes the challenging part, Getting out of the car gracefully in a dress and heels while holding an umbrella and also a purse and computer bag. Not easy to do and yet most woman make it look so easy but than they have had years of practice. This is something I will have to work on.

I got into Sweethome and Chris was there playing pool as always. Now last Sunday Sweethome closed for the day to remodel so I was looking forward to seeing it. they did a nice job, new curtains and new paint and even new tables and chairs. it really does look nice inside. I was glad the old bar stools were gone as I ripped so many pairs of pantyhose on them I can’t count. The new stools were really nice and had backs on them. The tables were rectangle and narrow though and only 4 people can sit at them. A lot easier to talk to the people at the table but the old tables were octangle so we could fit 5 around it really easy and if needed we could squeeze in 2 or 3 more. I ordered dinner and got out my computer to catch up on some work.

Roxy showed up a little while later and shortly after her Rachael. Rachael has been getting out more over the last few months which is really nice as she is awesome, She is one of the friends I have known the longest that I still have contact with. I really do have some wonderful friend. Alice who I met probably in 1999 or 2000 and really helped me start going out, she doesn’t get to Portland much any more but we keep in touch through e-mail. Rachel I have known for since probably 2004 or 2005. Cassandra who I met in 2006 or 2007 and got me to join her Susan Miller at Sweet Home 2-5-2016 (3)Yahoo group which really changed my life, and all the wonderful people I have met since. It is funny as my best friends are friends of Susan and are more like family.

Rachael and I got to sit and talk which was nice. she just got back from a vacation and was telling me all about it and even had some pictures. It looks like she had a wonderful time and the pictures were awesome, I would love to go there sometime. I would love to do some traveling either as my male self or even as Susan, I think as Susan would be more fun though. These are a few selphies I took.

The other group that comes here started to show up for Karaoke and they are a fun group. I have actually become friends with several of them and look forward to seeing them on Fridays also and talking with them. I love my family in our group but there is something special about having friends from outside our group or the Transgender community. When you can do that you really start to feel you fit in and are no different from anyone else and I thank them for making me and my friends feel welcome. It was good to see them Angie, Heather, Mareinna and Dawni.

Susan Miller at Sweet Home 2-5-2016 (2)Now there was one guy here tonight who kept looking at me which always makes me wonder what they are thinking. well it turns out while I was taking a few of my selphies he got behind me in one, I didn’t even notice till I was looking at the picture. I am still not use to men paying attention to me.

Karaoke was going and Chris had sang once but it was getting late so Chris and Rachael both left just before 11. I was going to pay my bill and leave also but Dawni came over and we started talking which I enjoy. We have talked many times over the last year or so but tonight we really had a good conversation and I knew it would be as she started off with I hope I don’t offend you. I really think people want to ask honest question and know more about the Transgender communality but are too worried about being politically correct. I will tell you all the same thing I told her, You can not offend me with an honest sincere question. I may tell you I don’t want to answer a particular question but I will never be offended if you truly are interested and not trying to make fun of me or other transgender people so ask away.

We got into sexuality which transgender really has nothing to do with, How ones dresses or presents themselves is about ones self images and who they are on the inside not about who they want to date or have sex with. I myself am transgender in the fact I feel I am more feminine then male, I am more comfortable as a female then male. I would love to spend more time as Susan if I could maybe even live most of my life as Susan if money was not an issue. I do not feel my body is wrong though, I do not want to change it well maybe get rid of the hair on my face and body. I think that is how you know if you should transition or not. I always tell people if I did transition I would still be a crossdresser as there would be times I would crossdress back to male. now one of my funny stories, the guy in the above picture who photo bombed me came over and sat at my table across from me while I was talking to Dawni who was standing nest to me so I only saw him out of the corner of my eye. Any way I was talking with Dawni so I didn’t pay to much attention to him but he sat there for a few minutes looking right at me, Seemed a lot longer. finally he got up and almost fell as he walked away. Dawni and I carried on our conversation. I explained that I was straight only attracted to female. The way i explained this is although I have no problem with my male body there is also nothing I find attractive or appealing about the male body. I do not like body hair on anyone especially myself. I like soft skin and the feminine form. I think most crossdressers try to emulate what they find appealing about the opposite sex. Most men when they look at a woman the first thing the notice are their breast, butt and legs. me the first things I notice is their makeup especially lipstick and eyes and then their nails, then comes cloths, heels and hair. Now I am not saying a woman hast to wear makeup to be beautiful or heels or nails as I know many wonderful and beautiful woman don’t but it is what I find appealing and catches my eye first, that first impression if you will. Wow got a little off on that. Dawni and I talked a good 15 minutes and it was nice.

Susan Miller at Sweet Home 2-5-2016 (4)Well it was now a little after 11 and I was going to leave when Samantha walked in so I decided to stay a little longer. Now the same guy from the picture above came back over and stood right in front of use and stuck out his hand as if he wanted to shake my hand but he almost fell over again and stumbled away again. I could tell he wanted to talk to me and I am not sure what he was thinking, did he think I was female, was he gay and thought I was gay was he just to drunk to know the difference. I will never know but as I said I am not interested in men and still feel uncomfortable in these situations.

Samantha was playing pool and another man came over and introduced himself to me as Larry and started talking to me. He even offered to buy me a drink which I politely declined as one I was getting ready to go but also I did not want to give him the wrong impression. We talked for about 10 minutes and he told me about what he did for a living, where he lived and I could tell he was interested in me which again made me feel a little uneasy but I guess that is part of being a girl. He seemed really nice and then he want up and sighed up to sing karaoke before coming back to talk with me some more. He asked me what music I liked and if I like country music, he even said he was thinking of asking me to dance. well I am not a dancer and I really didn’t want to dance with a man so I again politely told him I was not a dancer. Again I don’t know if he was straight or not and what he thought about me. It is funny as I really would like to know in these situations if they are looking at me as a female or as a man dressed as a female. Well we talked a few more minutes before he went back to his friends.

I went and paid my bill and then said goodbye to my friends here before I left just before midnight. it was a fun and interesting evening though.

Thanks for reading and I know this was a little longer than normal so if you ready the whole thing wow thanks.

February 6, 2016 Posted by | Sweethome, Thoughts on Crossdressing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Friday night, could be a quiet night

Well it has been a good week for Susan as I got out long enough for a manicure and pedicure on Tuesday and then again on Thursday for a short visit with my friend in the hospital and now Friday is here and I am going out again. now I wasn’t sure how many or even if any of our group would be out as I know Chris wont be at Sweethome tonight but I decided I would go anyway and at least have dinner. I really love my Susan time.

Okay I am going to take a little side track here as I have been getting a few people telling me I should transition and that I know I want to so I thought I would take up this topic and I want you all to know I did do a lot of thinking about this before I decided to put it in my blog. No I do not want to transition, I do not feel my body is wrong and I do not want to be a woman physically. now that being said do I think or wish I had breast, yes when I am Susan I would love to have real breast, wider hips, narrower waist, and while we are at it 6 inches shorter and smaller feet but this is just when I am Susan. when I am my male self I don’t wish for these things. I like my male side also and although the Susan side is stronger I need both so if I did transition full time I would still be a crossdresser as I would at times be crossdressing back to my male self which is strange to if you think about it.

Now yes if men could have long pretty nails I would do this all the time as I love them and yes if men could wear makeup I would probably do that all the time, if men could wear dresses and heels I would do that too but not all the time. there are parts of being Susan and being feminine I do wish I could do in my male life. now don’t get me wrong I love going out with my friends as they are a big part of my life and who I am, they have helped me become who I am but what I really miss is the for lack of a better word smaller things in life, the more routine normal day to day things. I think that is why I enjoyed spending time with my friend and his wife at the hospital. Why I love going and getting my nails done. the things woman do on their own or in small groups of one or two. To just be out as myself doing day to day things and being accepted. I have gone to many nails salons over the years and always been treated wonderful, Dream nails where I go now is awesome and they always treat me like I belong there. I do get a few looks from some of the other woman there but I have never had a bad experience or anyone treat me bad. I think it is more curiosity as they may never have seen someone like me but on occasion when I am sitting next to someone in the chair they will talk to me and that makes it all the better. I know they are not fooled by how I am dressed but when they can treat me like they would treat any other lady there then it is wonderful. s yes I would like to see Susan be an even bigger part of my life.

Now this year I can’t make it to Diva Las Vegas which is really sad as I do look forward to spending 12 days living full time as Susan and getting acrylic nails. On the other had this gives me a little over 2 weeks of vacation  have to use in the next 3 months and as I was saving most of it for Diva Las Vegas now I am thinking what else can I do. I will take a week in February and a week in March and I am thinking maybe of getting acrylic nails for one of those weeks and even if I don’t do that I will defiantly go to the nail salon and get them painted a pretty color and I will probably get the gel polish so they stay pretty the whole week, not sure if I will go any place though but it will be nice to have pretty nails.

Well back to tonight, I got all ready and was on my way by 6, I got there by 6:30 and parked and went in. it was a little busy but no one from my group was here. I sat at a table and got out my computer, went up to the bar and ordered dinner and caught up on some work while I waited. I was still not sure if any others would show up but I figured being Susan here and having dinner was better then being at home. Besides Sweethome has really good food. Now although no one from our group was here the other group that comes here was and I know several of them and a few of them came over and talked with me, Heather who is so sweet and awesome. she knows everyone and always has a hug for you and I think we all need more hugs. She came over and we talked for a while, Also Dawni and Mareinna (she was in boy mode tonight) came over and gave me hugs also. I really think this is the best part of being Susan, being feminine is that it is normal for woman to greet each other with a hug. You know this may be why woman live longer then men.

Well I decided to stay and see if any others showed up later so I finished up my work on my computer and then went into one of the chat rooms and chatted with a couple friends for a while. It was about 8:45 when I saw Robyn at the bar, she had just showed up. We sat together and she said Diane and a friend of hers name Jill were also going to be here tonight so that was nice. They both showed up around 10. I know Diane and it was good to see her again but I have never met Jill before and I really like meeting new people. Turns out Jill used to be in a band Called The Nasty Habits which is a Transgender rock band. She lives here by Portland now and she is in a new band also. how cool is that. It was nice to talk with her and get to know a little about her. It really was a fun night and it was 11:45 when I called it an evening.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day and remember be who you are and don’t let others influence you into being someone you are not.

January 16, 2016 Posted by | Sweethome, Thoughts on Crossdressing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Friday night with my friends

Well it has been another long week for my male side so I really was looking forward to so Susan time with my friends. I am always so glad when Friday gets here and I can relax and be Susan but Fridays are awesome because I get to spend it not only as Susan but bout with my friends which is the best thing ever. Now being Susan is part of who I am and I need that chance or time as Susan to be happy but what is really key to being happy is having friends who accept it that I can spend time with. In some way it make me feel perfectly normal as Susan as a person.

Now my friends I have all met as Susan first with the exception of my two neighbors so that really made it easier to be Susan with them and yes several of them have met my male side now. Being able to go out with them and share this part of my life has really helped me grow and has made me the happy, healthy, and well balanced person I am and that hast to be good. I thing being with people you can talk to about this side of one’s life really helps you understand it. The transgender community is so big and encompasses so much from crossdresser to transsexual’s and Drag Queens and anywhere in-between. It can be hard for someone to understand who they are and where they fit in, as for me I am a Crossdresser, I live part of my life as a female and I am comfortable in both my male and female rolls.

Now I will say that I may be a little more comfortable in my female roll but that may be too many factors. One I have lived most of my life as my male self and really only been expressing my female side the last few years and by that I mean I have dressed all my life but as far as going out and presenting my female side it has been a short time so that newness may be one of the reasons I am more comfortable as Susan. I think the biggest reason why I am more comfortable in my female side as I am more open. By this I mean as Susan I hide very little mainly who my male person is, name, work where I live but everyone knows that I am male and cross-dress. As my male side I have had to hide not only a big part of my life but a big part of who I am so I am always on my guard and as such I don ‘t let people get real close to me which is a shame but something a lot of transgender people share.

Now when my two neighbors ladies (and I think their husbands) found out I was a little scared but more than that I was relieved as that had always been one of my biggest fears. They are fine with it and I have not noticed any difference in the way they act towards me which has made it a good experience. I sometimes wonder if they have questions about this side of me which they are afraid to ask as we have never talked about this since that first night but I would hope that they feel they could ask me as I am always willing to talk about this, I think that helps everyone understand more. Maybe one day I will bring it up and see if they have any questions but it is good to have understanding neighbors plus since they already know I would love to talk to them about it.

Wow got a little off track there so back to my Friday night. I was going to Sweet Home again tonight to meet my friends. It is such a fun night out and a great way to end a week. I got there at 7 and Chris and Laura were already there. I figured it would be a smaller group tonight as it is Rose Festival in Portland so lots of things to do downtown and also Tomorrow is the second Saturday of the month so we are going to Harvey’s Comedy Club again, we go here once a month and as of now we have 15 signed up to go so that will keep a few home as some of the girls can only get out once a week. Well it wasn’t long and Cristine, Bobbie, Roxy, and Michelle showed up so we had a full table. Some of the girls played pool; yes Laura did the best and won the most games. What is cool is the other customers here accept us and like us being there so we have good interaction with some of them which makes us feel like we are part of the bigger group.

Well time went by and soon it was Karaoke time. Chris and Laura sand several songs each and as always did a great job. Several of us even went outside at 10:40 as the international space station passed over us at that time and being a clear warm night we could see it. It was amazing how fast it moved across the sky, I would say only 2 minutes to go from horizon to horizon so you know it must be traveling fast. I am sure the cars going down the street were wondering what we were all doing standing out front looking up at the sky. There were probably 10 of us out there looking up.

Well we went back inside and picked up right where we were with our conversations, pool games and Karaoke. It was a fun night and as always went way to fast. Heather showed up, she is one of the Karaoke group that loves us and she always comes over and talks to us for a bit. She couldn’t stay late though so she and her fiancé left. Kelsey also showed up about 12:30 she was the one who first got me to sing Karaoke here with her. I got to talk to her briefly too. Well it was late and most of our group had left and it was just Laura and me. She was going to sing one more time so we decided to leave after her song. It was almost 1 when we left but it was a fun night.

Now it was home and to bed as tomorrow I am having more Susan time. I am getting a pedicure with Peggy at 3 and then the group is going to Fox & Hound at 7 and over to Harvey’s at 9 for the late show. I may leave my house early and go shopping or to a Starbucks before our nail appointment. The only thing that may be an issue is being a nice sunny Saturday my neighbors may be out working in their yards of the neighbor kids may be playing in the street, any way I am looking forward to Saturday.

Thanks for reading.

June 8, 2013 Posted by | Out and about as Susan, Sweethome, Thoughts on Crossdressing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

   

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