Susanmillers Blog

My life as a heterosexual crossdresser.

Friday night Susan time, and who I am

I got home a little early, so I decided to do a quick job dressing up, simple makeup and a dress and then paint my nails. That was the goal for the evening and then I got thinking about why I do this and who I am and thought would try and explain it in my blog, not that I need to explain, but I know some girls out there are struggling with this like I did for many year. Now this is my view only and how my life relates to me and in no way means every trans person feels this way. I tell girls who are just starting to go out to take the time to figure out who they are and how they feel and do not just assume how I or anyone else feels are correct for them.

So simply put to most people I am a crossdresser, a man who likes to wear woman’s clothes and that is true I guess but it is more then that. My personality is softer, gentler, more caring then what I would say the average male is. I like pretty things and colors, I like to look pretty and smell pretty and I am more comfortable in what most would call the feminine roll. I can get teary eyed in sad or emotional movies and I like to watch them, I like it when people think or tell me I look pretty. I like the long hair, jewelry, clothes and yes, the makeup and nails. Now some people get this confused with sexual preference and those are 2 completely different things and all I will say on that is how I present is mostly also what I am attracted to. I am not at all attracted to men, big, muscular, hairy men. Even for woman I am attracted to the softer feminine shape, even muscular woman I am not attracted to, nothing wrong with that just my preference. For me when I see a woman the first thing, I notice are their nails and makeup. If they have long pretty nails and makeup especially red lipstick, they are beautiful and nothing else matters, size, shape, age or nationality. Part of my dressing is to create what I find attractive, yes dresses, heels and long hair are also a plus.

Now on to me, so yes, I consider myself as transgender as it is way more then just the simple act of wearing something feminine or dressing up it is about presenting as a female and feeling feminine. Where I differ from some girl is I don’t feel my body is wrong or I should have been born female and the reason I feel this way as when I am my male self I don’t feel wrong or think about why I am not female. Now that may be overly simplistic, and I do not want to offend others who feel they need to transition as that is how they feel. I would like to say I understand how they feel and I can support them and try to understand but without these feelings myself I can never truly understand their feelings, I can only imagine how I would feel and I am sure that does not come close to the full feeling they have.

Now that being said there are some common things we share. As I said I hate hairy men and that goes for me also, I hate my body hair and I have done everything I can. Years ago I bought an epilator, actually I just got a new one as I wore my old one out and I use it on my body, started with just my legs and saw how well it worked and moved on to my arms, chest, stomach and lower back yes every place I could reach. The good thing is my legs the hair is so fine and sparse that you really cannot tell even if I go a few weeks and my arms and chest are getting that way also. Yes, if I could remove all my body hair easily I would, and I know there are ways but the cost and effort to me are just too high. I also got my ears pierced recently but there are a lot of men with pierced ears. I did for a while have short thin acrylic nails and I am sure people noticed but yes I will admit I really want to have long pretty nails all the time and if men would not be judged for this I would have them. I think about growing my hair out and don’t get me wrong having long pretty hair would be great but there is also something to be able to change the length, style and color of my hair as simply as putting on a wig so I am torn about the hair. Yes, I would love the softer smoother skin woman have and with hormones I could get that but there are also a lot of other things that come with the hormones I am not sure of or want. Now that is my normal life view.

Now when I am Susan yes I would love real breast, I would also love the narrower waist and wider hips that hormones would give me but what do I do when I am not Susan and sense I don’ want to live full time if I did this then when I am not Susan I would have to hide it in other words cross-dress back to a man. I would also love the smooth front (not having to tuck) but this is not about getting rid of that part of my body but hiding it. Yes when I am Susan I do wish I was completely female as that is the goal of what I am trying for when I dress and I know I will never completely achieve it as I am but that is okay with me. As I said it took me many years of struggling with this to understand who I am and how this fits in my life and there are some key people who helped me. Alice the first real friend I had and who helped me get out and feel comfortable the first few times I went out. Cassandra the girls who started our group and made weekly outings possible and helped us go beyond just going to LGBTQ bars and out into the real world. Peggy her wife who was the first non-trans person Susan got to know and who totally accepted me for who I am, we still go shopping occasionally. Julie who is so supportive and looks at things similar to how I do. Mellissa who is now living full time as Melissa and is out to everyone but still supports all trans people no matter where they fit in the spectrum, Jan and Lynn who are a great couple and Lynn is so supportive of Jan and the rest of us and there are so many more and I hope they don’t feel left out but these girls I have know for years and to say they are my best friends is not enough they really are more like family and that is the best blessing I have gotten from my journey.

Now no one knows for sure how anything will turn out or where our lives will be in the future. What I can say about myself is I will never transition, (have surgeries to change who I am). I do think occasionally about hormones but I really doubt I would take them if I even thought about it, it would probably be just short term just to soften and smooth my skin but I am not sure that is possible. Now later in life I am guessing I will spend more time as Susan, not full time but a greater amount of my time. I think a way to look at the difference is what if you won the lottery 100 million dollars what would you do. Most transsexuals Surgery would be close to the top if not the top thing. For me I would live more as Susan, and yes as I would not have to care what others thought or worry about a job I would have long pretty acrylic nails and I may look into electrolysis. Yes, I would probably come out to most everyone as I would spend most of my time as Susan and they would need to know but that would be it.

Simply put it took me a long time to get to this point in my life and to understand who Susan is and how she fits in my life and to accept her and be okay with who I am and it does have a lot to do with the people mentioned above. I have to say I have a pretty wonderful life right now because of being able to bring all parts of who I am together. I encourage all of you to find out for yourself who you are and how your life fits together. If that means therapy get it, talking to people do it, whatever it takes to be happy with yourself because only you can make your life happy and worth while. Be true to yourself.

These are my thoughts and how I feel only, and I am by no means an expert, but this is something I have wanted to write for a while. Now it is time to get ready for my Saturday as Susan. thanks for reding and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life

April 25, 2020 Posted by | Susan Time, Thoughts on Crossdressing, why crossdress | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Thursday home alone as Susan

Well it is Thursday and another day of being Susan at home. I got up at 8 again and took a nice warm shower before starting to get ready for my day at home. today I am going for a more dramatic look for my eyes and that includes doing false eye lashes today. It was almost 10 when I was dressed and I thought my eyes came out really pretty today not the typical day time look if I was going out shopping but for a day at home it worked and the false eye lashes set them off. I went downstairs for breakfast and the to start my day at home.

Now my days are pretty boring just hanging around the house. Today I am going to do a little laundry so I got the first load in and then spent a little time on my computer checking the latest news and just surfing the internet. Kind of the same thing I do when I go to Starbucks, not as much fun but still passes the time. I also did some online training I needed to do.

It was about 1 when I fixed a sandwich and went out on my deck to get some sunshine as it is a really nice day in the low 60’s, of course I took my computer out with me to finish up what I was doing. Now my deck has grape plants around it for privacy but this early in the year they have not sprouted yet so my deck is visible by my neighbors if they are out but I really don’t care if they see me. With the warm weather this week I am ready for spring and it looks like I have 2 more nice days before we have rain again. Being able to get out side for a while is nice.

It was about 3 when I went back inside and started watching Star Trek the next generation, yes, I am a trekkie I guess as far as I do like all the star trek series. I watched a few episodes before fixing a lite dinner. I am not real hungry as I don’t do much being stuck at home. I finished watching the Star Trek episodes today and now I am watching the movie Wonder woman and that is how I will finish off my day. the movie gets over at 11 and then it will be time for bed. I really did like the way my makeup turned out today.

Now I can’t explain why I enjoy being Susan like this but there is just something so calming and relaxing about spending the day like this. I guess it is my way of making up for not being able to go to Las Vegas next week where I would have lived as Susan for days straight. Now I know some may say that it sounds like I want to transition but I really don’t. I have no desire to change my body or live full time. I will admit if money was no object, I would probably spend most of my time as Susan but there would still be times, I would want to be my male self. Also, if men could have long acrylic nails I would in a second, that id probably the one thing I would do all the time if I could. Simply put I love the long hair and makeup and the clothes and heels but I am happy with my body. It has taken me many years to figure out who I am and how Susan fits into my life and what is right for me. It is very important for anyone just starting out in the gender community to take the time and figure out who they are and don’t let others influence them. As I said I know who I am and how this fits into my life but that is all it is. My views here are just that my views and how it applies to me and my life. Now it may be the same for you or it may not and that is okay as we are not all the same. Everyone needs to find their own way and what makes them happy and if you can do that the you have won. Be happy with yourself is the best advice I can give plus smile.

Thanks for reading

March 19, 2020 Posted by | why crossdress | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Susan’s thoughts on crossdressing on her weekly outing.

Well it is Tuesday evening and this week my night for Susan to go out. Actually it had to be tonight as my next chance for Susan time will be two weeks from tonight which seems so far away. It is strange when I think just a few years ago it was no big thing to go weeks even months without a chance to be Susan. Now it is such a normal part of my life to have a couple nights a week it seems strange. I will miss the next two Friday nights out with my friends and of course the first Saturday of the month Cassandra and Peggy are hosting a get together at their home and the second Saturday of the month is our Harvey’s Comedy club night and I will also miss these so really I am missing 4 nights out with my friends. Now I know I will survive.

It makes one wonder why I or any crossdresser feels this way. What is it about dressing up as the opposite sex that can have such a strong effect on someone? I mean I even feel relaxed and happy just thinking about my time out as Susan. I guess it is like when you are looking forward to a vacation and even though you haven’t gone the thought of it and the fun you will have can make you feel happy and relaxed. Emotions are a complicated thing. I think one of the big things for me is the different looks I can have. As a guy I am pretty normal, short hair and actually my hair style looks the same as it did in High school well there is a little grey now. Woman change their hair styles and color all the time but generally speaking men don’t. Women really do have so many more options in how they look.

I love long nails but in my male life I can’t have them for several reasons. As Susan I get to have long nails in an array of different colors, tonight is Pompeii Purple, Last Friday a bright red and last week here at Starbucks a dark red. Even if only for a few hours having my long pretty nails is wonderful. It is so much fun to try different looks and so amazing how simple little things can change your look. Different style or length of a wig, color of lipstick or eye shadow, shoes, clothes they all can change your look and I find this really fun. For me I kind of look at it as being an artist and instead of painting a picture I create Susan. It is amazing how much it has grown from just putting on some makeup when I was small to trying to look and act as a woman. I guess that makes me an actress, I have a friend who has a blog which she calls crossacting which is really what I do. Think of when you were a little kid and you would play cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers, it is the same thing except I am playing dress up and being a lady. I get just as much fun as I did as a little kid playing and I think that is a big reason why a feel and people tell me I look young and I have no stress in my life, well maybe just a little as some times it is hard to figure out what I should wear or how I should do my makeup. I really believe everyone should have a little play time in their lives as we tend to be so busy and worry about everything that comes along. We all need a way to take a break from our daily lives and that is what I get from my crossdressing, that and it is just so much fun.

Well as I said tonight was my night out this week and I am at Starbuck’s. They were really busy when I got here, only on table open. It looks like they are also doing training on some new employees here tonight as they have 7 girls working and they are doing what looks like an orientation at the table next to me. The rest of the tables are full and they are almost all female, in the corner are two men and then the big table has 5 women and one guy, everyone else is female 3 at the table next to me 2 behind me and the other 3 tables have one woman each and most have computers. I guess this is the place for a single girl to go and work on her computer.

It really is nice that Starbuck’s has free Wi-Fi. It is so much better than sitting at home dressed as Susan on my computer. I know a lot of people wonder why I would come here by myself but it is fun and relaxing and as I said beats just sitting at home. for a $3.50 I can get a Hot Chocolate as I do have to go home and go to bed plus I am not a big fan of coffee. On a cold night like tonight I am having 2 and then just relax and play on my computer. Catch up on e-mails, update my blog, chat with friends and even find some time to do some actual work. If you are looking for a place to go by yourself I would recommend Starbucks.

Well must get some work done. Thanks for reading. This will be my last blog for a couple weeks but yes I will be back.

Have a great couple weeks.

February 28, 2012 Posted by | Starbucks, why crossdress | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Why do I like to go out Dressed as Susan

Well it is my usual night out at Starbuck’s and I thought I would take time to answer a question I seem to get asked a lot in e-mails. Why do I go out, especially to Starbuck’s by myself? I have thought a lot about this and this is what I came up with.

For years I would dress and stay in the privacy (safety) of my own home. It was all about dressing up, seeing what I looked like. Didn’t matter what I did while at home, if I was Susan it was fun. From watching TV to cleaning the house. It was all about being Susan.

What I found was as time went by Susan grew. She wanted to experience the real world. As I started going out more and met others and made some wonderful friends. This gave me the chance to go out on a regular basis and I became more comfortable as Susan. There is something so fun and relaxing to be out and interact with other people as Susan. The more I did this the more I realized I wanted to be able to go where I wanted. Starbuck’s is a very relaxed and comfortable place to go. I have been too many different Starbuck’s and always been treated great. Now I do go to the same one when I go out each week as I have gotten to know the girls who work here and they are all so great. They always ask how I have been and if I miss a week they notice. Really a nice feeling.

The other reason is GG’s don’t only go out in groups. Most nights here at Starbuck’s it is about equal the number here alone or with others. It is fun to people watch when I am out. Starbuck’s is a really good place to do this as you get such a wide range of people from young to old. Tonight there are 3 teenage girls at the next table and they have really paid no attention. It is strange but I find it so relaxing to be out now and it really gives me a chance to catch up on my e-mails as there are none of the distractions I have at home. It really is peaceful and fun. Most of the time when I am out I forget how I am dressed and just enjoy myself. It truly is a wonderful feeling when you don’t have to think abouthow you are dressed and can just enjoy the time out.

So I guess going out as Susan is just my way of growing and experiencing new things as Susan. I have a perfect balance between Susan and my male side. I really think that is the key for me.

So I guess the reason I go out as Susan is she is as much a part of who I am as my male side and with that I can’t just leave her bottled up at home. If I did that I would only be living half of my life and that would not be healthy.

Well as I said I am at Starbucks tonight. They are not real busy tonight as there are only a few who have been here sense I got here. Most seem to get their drinks to go. So I have had a good chance to people watch. It always amazes me how fast the time goes while I am here. Well I must get on with my e-mails. I will be out tomorrow with the group so I will post again on Saturday.

Thanks for reading and have a great night.

February 10, 2011 Posted by | Out and about as Susan, why crossdress | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

What triggers my crossdressing?

Hi all I am at Starbucks for my normal Wednesday night out and I thought I would write about more than just my being out this week. I have gotten a few e-mails asking me what triggers my need to crossdress so I thought I would see what I could come up with as I really haven’t thought of it that way. I have done some thinking about it and please remember this is only my view and how it is for me, I cannot answer for anyone else.

I don’t know if I really have a trigger as such as I get out on a pretty regular basis. What I can tell you is my time as Susan is a great stress reliever. It is how I deal with my stress in my life, my escape from the day to day things that build up in people. It allows me to step outside of my normal life and be someone else for awhile. So I guess that would be my trigger as if I go long periods without being Susan I can feel the stress build. I tend to have more trouble falling asleep as when I go to bed and try to relax my mind I suddenly find myself thinking about makeup, dresses, high heels and of course beautiful nails. So I guess in a way not being Susan adds a little to my stress level.

For me the whole part of being Susan is just so relaxing to me from the time getting ready, doing my makeup and picking out which outfit to wear to the actual going out and even when I get home and have to remove the makeup and clothes. It is just something I really enjoy like you might enjoy one of your hobbies.

I have also made some wonderful friends as Susan and I love spending time with them. I think the fact that they are separate from my male side also helps as we don’t find ourselves talking about work or anything else other than the Susan side. When I get together with friends from work no matter how hard we try we always end up talking about work, same with family we talk about family so you really don’t get away from your problems or stress. As Susan we talk about clothes, makeup, shoes, wigs and anything else going on in the world but work does not come up and I think that is one of the hardest things for people to do is get away from work for awhile.

As I said many times my dressing is a way for me to relax, it is not sexual for me. I do not feel I am a woman trapped in a man’s body and do not want to change my sex. I like my male side just as much and would never let it go. The last thing and what most people have the hardest time with is the fact I am not attracted to men. Many times I get e-mails asking how I can put so much time and effort into how I look and not be attracted to men. I can’t really give a good explanation other than I am not. I guess the best I could say is just because one watches football does not mean they want to play football, just because you like to fish does not mean you are going to quit your job and leave your family to go fishing all the time, just because you might like ice cream does not mean you want it for every meal every day for the rest of your life. You can like something without having it consume your life. I will close with a couple questions for you to think about. First for the woman out there, when you get dressed in the morning do you pick out your clothes, do your hair and makeup with the thought that this is for someone else and you get no pleasure out of it? Now for the men, when you go to the gym and work out is it fo9or someone else and you get no enjoyment out of it? We all do things we enjoy for no other reason than the enjoyment of I, and that is what my crossdrressing is for me.

People try to read too much into things sometime. Now again this is me and how I feel, if you ask 100 crossdresser, t-girls, transgender or transsexuals you will get 100 different answers and that is good as we are all different. If everyone was the same life would be very boring.

Well that is my thoughts on this. Now for my normal update on Susan. Starbucks is really slow tonight. When I got here there were only 3 people at the outside tables and 4 inside. By 7:30 everyone inside had left and I have had the place to myself except for maybe a dozen people who have come in to get something to go. The girls who work here usually don’t start cleaning the floors and tables till 8:30 or so had it all done before 8. I have been able to get a lot done as there have been no distraction (people watching) which is good as I have everything I needed to do done but it wasn’t the same as part of the fun is being out with other people. It did give me a chance to talk a little with the girls working tonight. I do miss Katie and Shavonie as they were so much fun and always so talkative.

Well I guess that is enough for tonight, I will be out again Friday night and I believe our group is all going to Embers and it sounds like we should have a pretty good turnout so I will post again after Friday about it. Have a great week and thanks for reading my blog.


See what’s new with Susan on my most recent blog

September 1, 2010 Posted by | Starbucks, why crossdress, why men crossdress | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

why do I or any man cross-dress

Why do I or any man cross-dress? I seem to get that question a lot in e-mails both from male and females. Now I cannot speak for everyone, just myself. So let’s start with a simple question, why do some people like chocolate and other do not? Why do some people like football while others like baseball or basketball?  Why do some people like the color red while others like blue or green?  Why does some woman wear makeup and get their nails done while others do not? All good questions and it comes down to personal preference.

 A little information about cross-dressers, most are heterosexual (not gay). Also about 25% of males cross-dress to some extent, be it wearing woman’s panties or nylons once in a while to completely dressing up. This is my fun fact. Next time you are out count men and realize that 1 in 4 have or will cross-dress at some point to some degree. Now let’s not just pick on men, all you woman out there. Have you ever worn your boyfriends or husbands shirt, pajamas or shoes? If so you have also cross-dressed. Cross-dressing is simply put, wearing clothing generally associated with the opposite sex. I think with this broad view most would fall into this category. Now for me it does go beyond the simple wearing of one piece of clothing. I like to dress up completely including makeup. This is where I will talk about just myself.

 First of all I do not see myself as a woman trapped in a man’s body. I do not want to be a woman all the time as I like my male side just as much. I am not gay (I am totally heterosexual). I also do not cross-dress for sexual pleaser. In simple words I enjoy it just like chocolate or baseball. Some people exercise or run to relax or relieve stress I become Susan. Susan is my way to get away from my normal life and everything in it for a while, kind of like a mini vacation. How would you like to be able to take a vacation anytime you want? For me I can even if only for a few hours. My time as Susan is just that, my male side and everything that goes with him is put aside and Susan is there. It doesn’t matter what I do as Susan it is just being her for a while. It can be as simple as doing my nails or makeup or even cleaning the house I am still getting away from the normal daily grind and I find it totally relaxing. Like anything you do it will grow with you and expand. Take baseball, the first time you watched a game you were just learning but over time you learn more and more. You learn the teams and players, you watch more and even start going to games. Cross-dressing is the same for me, at first it was just makeup and then came clothing and shoes and then I wanted to go out as Susan. Runners start of running a mile and then work up to 2 mile and then more always pushing what they can do and so do cross-dressers.

 When I am out as Susan I just want to be excepted as a person named Susan. I want no special treatment, just treated the same as everyone else with kindness and caring. You will find that cross-dressers come from all walks of life, doctors, executives, police officers, politicians and just about every other occupation you can think off. We are truly your next door neighbors. You grew up with us and we were some of your best friends but had to keep this part of our lives a secret for fear of how people would react. Some of that fear is misplaced as I have found that some people are totally okay and excepting of cross-dressers. I have a few friends whose wives not only know but who help and support them. So in closing I ask each of you to ask yourself one question, if your best friend told you he or she liked to cross-dress what would you do? Would you stay friends? Would you end your friendship? Could you accept their cross-dressing as long as you didn’t have to see it? Or would you totally except it and be willing to see them dressed.  I only ask because we all tend to act without thinking things through in the spur of the moment and may not be how we truly feel. We say things we don’t really mean and feeling are hurt and we can loose friends for a simple misunderstanding.

People come and go in our lives but true friends are a blessing and are rare and we should never let go of a good friend. Oh I guess I have one more thing for all the ladies out there. Would it not be nice to have a boyfriend or husband that shared all your interests? One who liked to go shopping with you? One who could talk about fashion and clothing and even makeup? One who when you asked how you looked could really give you an honest answer because he knows about clothes and makeup. just think of how much fun and how much you would have in common with a cross-dresser and you would never hear the words, “Aren’t you ready yet” or “what takes you so long to get ready”. Anyway these are my thoughts on cross-dressing and why like to cross-dress and I am sure I am not alone and many of the cross-dressers out there share some if not all of these same feelings. We are not freaks or perverts we are just men who enjoy and like expressing our softer feminine side. You will also find us more caring and easy going.

Hug Susan

November 7, 2009 Posted by | crossdress, crossdresser, crossdressing, T-girl, transgender, why crossdress, why men crossdress | , , , , , , , | 21 Comments


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