Friday night Susan time, and who I am.

I got home a little early, so I decided to do a quick job dressing up, simple makeup and a dress and then paint my nails. That was the goal for the evening and then I got thinking about why I do this and who I am and thought would try and explain it in my blog, not that I need to explain, but I know some girls out there are struggling with this like I did for many year. Now this is my view only and how my life relates to me and in no way means every trans person feels this way. I tell girls who are just starting to go out to take the time to figure out who they are and how they feel and do not just assume how I or anyone else feels are correct for them.

So simply put to most people I am a crossdresser, a man who likes to wear woman’s clothes and that is true I guess but it is more then that. My personality is softer, gentler, more caring then what I would say the average male is. I like pretty things and colors, I like to look pretty and smell pretty and I am more comfortable in what most would call the feminine roll. I can get teary eyed in sad or emotional movies and I like to watch them, I like it when people think or tell me I look pretty. I like the long hair, jewelry, clothes and yes, the makeup and nails. Now some people get this confused with sexual preference and those are 2 completely different things and all I will say on that is how I present is mostly also what I am attracted to. I am not at all attracted to men, big, muscular, hairy men. Even for woman I am attracted to the softer feminine shape, even muscular woman I am not attracted to, nothing wrong with that just my preference. For me when I see a woman the first thing, I notice are their nails and makeup. If they have long pretty nails and makeup especially red lipstick, they are beautiful and nothing else matters, size, shape, age or nationality. Part of my dressing is to create what I find attractive, yes dresses, heels and long hair are also a plus.

Now on to me, so yes, I consider myself as transgender as it is way more then just the simple act of wearing something feminine or dressing up it is about presenting as a female and feeling feminine. Where I differ from some girl is I don’t feel my body is wrong or I should have been born female and the reason I feel this way as when I am my male self I don’t feel wrong or think about why I am not female. Now that may be overly simplistic, and I do not want to offend others who feel they need to transition as that is how they feel. I would like to say I understand how they feel and I can support them and try to understand but without these feelings myself I can never truly understand their feelings, I can only imagine how I would feel and I am sure that does not come close to the full feeling they have.

Now that being said there are some common things we share. As I said I hate hairy men and that goes for me also, I hate my body hair and I have done everything I can. Years ago I bought an epilator, actually I just got a new one as I wore my old one out and I use it on my body, started with just my legs and saw how well it worked and moved on to my arms, chest, stomach and lower back yes every place I could reach. The good thing is my legs the hair is so fine and sparse that you really cannot tell even if I go a few weeks and my arms and chest are getting that way also. Yes, if I could remove all my body hair easily I would, and I know there are ways but the cost and effort to me are just too high. I also got my ears pierced recently but there are a lot of men with pierced ears. I did for a while have short thin acrylic nails and I am sure people noticed but yes I will admit I really want to have long pretty nails all the time and if men would not be judged for this I would have them. I think about growing my hair out and don’t get me wrong having long pretty hair would be great but there is also something to be able to change the length, style and color of my hair as simply as putting on a wig so I am torn about the hair. Yes, I would love the softer smoother skin woman have and with hormones I could get that but there are also a lot of other things that come with the hormones I am not sure of or want. Now that is my normal life view.

Now when I am Susan yes I would love real breast, I would also love the narrower waist and wider hips that hormones would give me but what do I do when I am not Susan and sense I don’ want to live full time if I did this then when I am not Susan I would have to hide it in other words cross-dress back to a man. I would also love the smooth front (not having to tuck) but this is not about getting rid of that part of my body but hiding it. Yes when I am Susan I do wish I was completely female as that is the goal of what I am trying for when I dress and I know I will never completely achieve it as I am but that is okay with me. As I said it took me many years of struggling with this to understand who I am and how this fits in my life and there are some key people who helped me. Alice the first real friend I had and who helped me get out and feel comfortable the first few times I went out. Cassandra the girls who started our group and made weekly outings possible and helped us go beyond just going to LGBTQ bars and out into the real world. Peggy her wife who was the first non-trans person Susan got to know and who totally accepted me for who I am, we still go shopping occasionally. Julie who is so supportive and looks at things similar to how I do. Mellissa who is now living full time as Melissa and is out to everyone but still supports all trans people no matter where they fit in the spectrum, Jan and Lynn who are a great couple and Lynn is so supportive of Jan and the rest of us and there are so many more and I hope they don’t feel left out but these girls I have know for years and to say they are my best friends is not enough they really are more like family and that is the best blessing I have gotten from my journey.

Now no one knows for sure how anything will turn out or where our lives will be in the future. What I can say about myself is I will never transition, (have surgeries to change who I am). I do think occasionally about hormones but I really doubt I would take them if I even thought about it, it would probably be just short term just to soften and smooth my skin but I am not sure that is possible. Now later in life I am guessing I will spend more time as Susan, not full time but a greater amount of my time. I think a way to look at the difference is what if you won the lottery 100 million dollars what would you do. Most transsexuals Surgery would be close to the top if not the top thing. For me I would live more as Susan, and yes as I would not have to care what others thought or worry about a job I would have long pretty acrylic nails and I may look into electrolysis. Yes, I would probably come out to most everyone as I would spend most of my time as Susan and they would need to know but that would be it.

Simply put it took me a long time to get to this point in my life and to understand who Susan is and how she fits in my life and to accept her and be okay with who I am and it does have a lot to do with the people mentioned above. I have to say I have a pretty wonderful life right now because of being able to bring all parts of who I am together. I encourage all of you to find out for yourself who you are and how your life fits together. If that means therapy get it, talking to people do it, whatever it takes to be happy with yourself because only you can make your life happy and worth while. Be true to yourself.

These are my thoughts and how I feel only, and I am by no means an expert, but this is something I have wanted to write for a while. Now it is time to get ready for my Saturday as Susan. thanks for reding and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life