My first time going out someplace as Susan

Okay last week I posted a blog from Starbucks’s about my journey to be who I am and I got some good feedback on that. I was hoping by sharing it might help others trying to get out for the first time. Now I remember the night really well as most of us do as it is such a pivotal point in our lives, I just can’t remember exactly when it was. I think it was in the late 90’s maybe 1998 or 1999 but the date is not important.

I stated off dressing just at home and then late-night drives and maybe Burger Kings drive through and once or twice if I was out late enough, past 2:30am when alcohol sales end I did hit a 7-11 to buy some milk just to see and that was so scary. I also rented a motel room a couple times for a weekend and went and got acrylic nails but again I spent the day either in the motel room or I went out as my male self and kept my hands in my pocket and then did late night drives and I made sure my nail appointment was the last of the night so the fewest people saw me. Now that was over, I was bound and determined to go out as Susan and be seen. I had herd of a place called Embers, it is closed now. It was bar with a dance floor in back and they did Drag shows a couple nights a week and I had herd other t-girls went there so it was perfect. Now as I don’t remember the actual date, I do know it was warm outside so I am thinking it was late spring or summer.

I got all dressed up on a Saturday night, did my makeup without the lipstick. Put my dress on and heels and then a big coat over it with my wig on the seat next to me I put on my sunglasses, pulled the visor down and opened my garage door and pulled out and I was on my way. I stopped at a park and took my coat off, put my hair on and did my lipstick in the rearview mirror. This was a lot of work and effort to get this far, the hard part was over or at least I thought. I drove downtown Portland and found Embers, they had a parking lot across the street but you had to pay and I just couldn’t bring myself to do that so I drove around a little and found a spot across the street about half a block up facing Embers and as it was almost 8 I didn’t have to pay to park. Now it was just walking about 200 feet to the corner, crossing the street and going in piece of cake right, no it is not.

There were people parking and walking on the sidewalks and coming and going not only from Embers but other businesses around. I sat in my car till it was clear and then I started to open the door and here came someone else. This went on and on and I sat there unable to get out of the car. I kept looking over and my goal was so close but yet so far and then finally a little after 9, more than an hour sitting in my car I gave up and drove home. I just couldn’t get out of the car. I was so scared and when I got home, I was so disappointed. All that effort to get out of the house and go out and this was how it ended but I told myself that was it. Next Saturday I was going to do it. All week long I thought about what went wrong and the fact I just didn’t know about all the people out so now I was prepared.

Next Saturday came and I went through all the work to go out just like last week and got downtown Portland and parked in almost the same spot. I was ready and then I saw the other people and the same fears came back and once again I sat in the car for a little over an hour before going home disappointed but with the resolve I would do it again next week and I would be successful. Next Saturday came and I went through all the work and got out again and this tie I was able to park a little closer so that would make the difference but again no it wouldn’t. I just couldn’t open the car door. Once again, a little over an hour and I once again was on my way home for the time in weeks but I was determined to do it next week

The following Saturday I once again went through all the work to go out and again I parked almost the same spot. I was going to make it but once again every time I thought it was clear and started to open my door, I saw someone else walking and closed it. I sat there for over an hour and couldn’t get out of the car. I kept going over and over in my mind why not, it was fear. It was about 9:15 and I once again had been sitting in my car for over an hour and once again I gave up. I started my car and was waiting for traffic to clear so I could pull out and wasn’t watching the people walking by when I herd someone tap on my car window. I turned and it was another T-girl so I rolled down the window and she smiled at me and asked if I was going in and if I wanted to walk in with her. I don’t know if she realized what this meant to me but she was like a gift from heaven and I said yes and with her help I got out of my car, scared to death and we walked in together.

Her name was Lori and though I only saw her once after tonight I will forever remember her and her kindness. We went inn and she stayed with me and introduced me to all the security people there and the bar staff. She was wonderful and made me feel so welcome and not alone. I told her my store I just shared with you and she told me how safe and accepting this place was and then she told me about several other places t-girls go and offered to take me so about 11:30pm we went out and got in her van and we drove over to CC Slaughters and went in and once again she introduced me to the staff. We also walked around the corner to fox and Hound and checked that out and then over to Habbo’s. then back in her van and over to another place I can’t remember the name and checked it out introducing me to the staff again. It was after 1 am now and we once again were back in her van and we drove several blocks to Pan a Rama to check that place out, they charge a cover but only on men so we got to go in for free. We stayed here till almost 3am before leaving. Back in her van and she drove me back to my car and told me she hoped to see me out again. I couldn’t thank her enough as it was probably the best night of my life. I was so excited and on such a high I could barely contain myself as I got in my car and drove home. I git home and went to my room and collapsed on the bed and I was out till morning. I woke up just as I was the night before still wearing the same dress and makeup.

I took a shower and cleaned up and had breakfast as I replayed the night before in my mind. It was so awesome and such a dream came true and then reality set in. I thought to myself, my god I got in a strange girl van I had just met and went off with her all over town. Even as my male self I would not have done that, it worked out well but it did scare me as I was so happy to meet someone like me that I dud let my guard down. Now don’t get me wrong Lori was an awesome person and an answer to my prayers but I did make a mental not to be more careful when I was out. Now it was several months before I went out again and I ran into Lori and thanked her again and I hope she knows what that night meant to me. But as I was only going out every few months that was the last time, I saw her. I often wonder what happened to her. she showed me a kindness I could never repay and so I try to help other girls trying to go out for the first time and if this store can help it is well worth the post.

A little long but I hope if you read it you got something out of it. Thanks for reading and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what I am up to now.