Monday Zoom call with friends

It is another Monday and will spend time with my friends on our weekly zoom call. I got home and had time to get ready tonight, the last several zoom calls have been mostly my male self with video off. It is nice on Mondays as I usually have lots of time t get ready and enjoy doing my makeup. I was all ready by 6:30 so relaxed till it was time for the meeting. I started the meeting and it was a few minutes before anyone signed on.

Tonight was a smaller group, just 5 of us, Lynn, Jan, Katy, Nicole, and me. Nicole only joined for a short time as her and her daughter are on vacation and they are at Disney Land but even with that she still joined for a little while. I bet Nicole has only missed a couple zoom calls if that. She actually has a better attendance then I do and I set up and host most of them. Of course we talked a little about her being at Disney Land and one of the topics were what Disney princesses would we like to be and of course for me it was Snow White or Cinderella as that is the ones I grew up with, yes dating myself a little. There is a shop there that does princess makeovers but unfortunately only for kids 3 to 12, yes I did look it up as that would be something fun to do. It would be so fun to walk around Disney Land as my female self, something Nicole is doing now but just think how special it would be if I could be Snow White for the day there. Now I have been to both Disney Land (1974) and Disney World (1976) but it was a long time ago and way before I could even imagine being seen or going out in public as my female self.

We did talk a little and just caught up on what was new in everyone’s life and just general conversations and yes with a smaller group it was easier for everyone to be involved in the conversation. The last few meetings have been smaller turnouts, I am hoping it is just the fact it is summer and girls are busy and not that girls are getting tired or burned out on the weekly meetings. We have been doing these every week now for over 3 years now. they are great though for the girls who don’t live locally as they can join in. Now normally Jennifer has a question for us every week and I sometimes have trouble remembering what the question was by the time I write my blog but as she was not on tonight I did manage to think of a questions for the group but the bad thing is I can’t remember my own question.

Well even with such a small turnout tonight we still went almost 2 hours before we ended the meeting for the night. It was an enjoyable time though. Now I am looking forward to our Wednesday night dinner at Who Song and Larry’s.

Thanks for reading my blog and sharing this part of my life with me.

Sunday Susan time at my favorite Starbucks and some thoughts on my life.

It is a beautiful Sunday and I am going to spend a little time at my Sunday Starbucks as Susan. being low 80’s and no wind hopefully I will sit outside at least part of the time. It was about 1pm when I started getting ready and as always took my time. I tried a little different smokey eye look and wore my short black summer dress. I was all ready by 2:30 and off I went. I got to Starbucks and went in and sat along the window to start so I could charge my computer up, yes forgot to plug it in last night when I got home. I wrote my blog from Saturday which I will post later. Now they were not that busy so not great for people watching. It was about 4pm when I moved outside to a table and the weather was perfect. Now as I said I thought I would give some thoughts on my life, my being transgender and how it affects me and my life.

Now I will admit it has been a journey to get to where I am in my life and be happy. Starting out when I was young I actually hated this part of who I was. I felt I was different, strange, broken and I can remember wishing and praying these feelings would go away. As a matter of fact I felt I was the only one like this. Early in my life, pre computers and internet all I could find on this was people like me were either transexuals, (Trapped in the wrong body) or Gay. Now there is nothing wrong with either of these but it wasn’t how I felt. I didn’t feel my body was wrong and I knew I wasn’t attracted to men as a matter of fact the way I dress and present is what I am attracted to in women. It took years to understand and accept who I was and how this fit into my life.

Now on to how I feel, yes I do have a definite female side and yes I will admit when I am Susan I do wish for that time I was 100% female as far as body and looks. I try very hard to present as well as I can, look as passable as I can and do it in a way that shows respect for other woman. I think it is important when we are presenting that we do it in a respectful way so people don’t think we are making fun of woman. Now I know I don’t pass as far as how I look, yes at a quick glance by someone I may pass or if I am in a dark room and sitting down I may pass better but eventually people around me will figure it out as there are certain differences between male and female even surgery cant change. Yes padding can help but I have to be honest to myself and that is okay. When I first thought about going out my goal was to blend in and have no one be able to tell and that probably kept me from going out for a long time. Once I accepted who I was and realized I was not broken and I was just me it helped. What really did it was changing my view of what passing meant.

I go out a lot now and I pass 99% of the time but for me passing is now being accepted for how I present. In other words it is not if people truly believe I was born female as I can never achieve that, but do they accept me for how I present. Sitting here in Starbucks today I am sure everyone knows I was not born a female but they either treat me as if I was or they just don’t say anything and let me be. The people who work here pretty much all know my name and always address me as Susan, even a few of the regular customers here I have met and know their names also address me as Susan. They have accepted me as I am. Now they may not agree with who I am or how I live my life and dress but they accept my right to live as I want. That also means I have to accept their rights to think what they want and as long as neither of us force our views on the other life is a wonderful place. I think when we are out and can interact with others it does so much good for our community especially if they see us as just another person out. I had wonderful parents and they taught me several things that has served me well in life, first everyone deserves respect even if you disagree with the, live and let live, and treat others how you want to be treated. We don’t all need to agree on everything or even believe the same thing but if we can remember those 3 things we can all get along.

Now as for going out and being accepted there are also a couple things that help. First and most important is self-confidence, be proud of who you are and act as though it is perfectly normal. People will pick up on how you act and if you act afraid or worse like you are doing something wrong they will think you are doing something wrong. This can be a hard thing to master but it makes all the difference in the world. As I said I know I don’t pass and when people look at me I used to look away and that gives the impression I am hiding something or doing something wrong, now when they look at me I just look back and give them a smile and that goes a long way. That is the second thing when you are out, smile. One we all look better when we are smiling but it also puts other people at ease as you come across as sincere and caring. Maybe even say hi to them as you pass as a friendly gesture goes a long way. I have actually had a few short conversations this way.

When I have been out I have had men and even women hold doors open for me, it is a common curtesy and yes I know I am not fooling them but are treating me how I look and yes when this happens I always smile and thank them. No matter what society says today, Manor matter. Always making an effort to be nice and respectful goes a long way which brings me to anther thing my parents taught me, if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything. With the internet we have become a little disconnected and it can be easy to post negative things and now that is even popping up in person. I see post all the time like that. Yelp is a prime example as I never give any thought to negative reviews. I have left a few reviews on yelp but they are always positive. If I am unhappy with someplace I just don’t go back, I don’t trash them online as that does no good, same goes for other people.

Well just a few thoughts on myself and life in general. I stayed at Starbucks till about 6:45 before going home to have dinner and watch TV for the night. It was a relaxing afternoon and a beautiful day to sit outside Starbuck’s for a while.

Thanks for reading my blog and sharing my journey with me.