Susanmillers Blog

My life as a heterosexual crossdresser.

Sunday and finally a little time back at Starbucks as Susan

It is Sunday and I finally have some free time and can go to Starbucks as Susan. Now I know it has been a while so I looked back in my blogs and wow it really has been a while. My last time at Starbucks on a Sunday was April 14 2019 almost 3 months ago. I really do like my quiet time at Starbucks as I can get a lot of things done and it is just way more fun as Susan. I took a little over an hour getting ready for my trip to Starbucks and enjoyed every moment. There is just something fun and relaxing about doing my makeup and transforming into Susan. I got to Starbucks a little after 4 and went in. they were a little busy but a few tables open including one along the window where I like to sit as I can plug my computer in if needed. I set my computer down and went up to order my drink. Now I was here on last Thursday for a little while but as I said above it has been a long time since I was here on a Sunday. One of the girls behind the counter said Hi Susan it has been awhile, goo to see you again which made me feel good. Well the young lady at the register took my drink order and I paid and instead of asking me my name for the order She just said it is nice to meet you Susan my name is Ellie. Now I don’t know if she got my name from hearing the other girl say it or if she got it when I paid with my phone app but either way it made me feel good.

I sat down at the table and started with my computer. I have been very slow at getting my blogs posted as I have been so busy in the evenings, one reason I always like coming to Starbucks as it gives me a chance to catch up on my blogs. I use to do them either the same day or the very next day and now it can be a week later which sometimes makes it hard to remember everything I wanted to put in them so today was my day to get all caught up. I wrote my blog from Thursday the Fourth of July when I was out and posted it. I then wrote my blog from Saturday when I went to Julie’s for a BBQ and then even started on this blog with the hope of finishing it tonight when I get home. now I will post Saturdays blog on Monday and todays on Tuesday as I don’t want to post to many at once to give you all time to read them.

Now sitting at Starbucks as Susan is relaxing and really I didn’t notice anyone give me a second look and for the most part I really don’t even think about being Susan while I am here, yes I know it as I can see my pretty long red nails as I type, I put my fake nails on today and every once in a while a wisp of hair falls in front of my face but I am not just focusing on the fact I am out as Susan. I am just out as who I am and at times that is Susan a female. I was thinking about my journey as Susan and how I have progressed and grown over the years.

I knew when I was 5 or 6, I realized I liked to put on my mom’s lipstick and even then, I knew this was not something boys did so I kept it hid. By the time I was 14 I had managed to get some makeup, eye shadow and mascara that I hid in my room and would where at night but I still didn’t understand it. When I was in high school and I would be left home alone by myself I would occasionally put on one of my moms’ dresses, she had a beautiful floor length black and white dress that at that age fit me perfectly. This is also the age I was trying to find information in the library about why I did these things and as this was before the internet there was not a lot of information. I found stuff on Transsexuals and how they felt they were born in the wrong body but I didn’t feel that way. I also found information on being gay but again I was not attracted to boys it was girls. It was probably my senior year I herd the term crossdresser and realized that was what I most likely was but still didn’t understand it. I kept telling myself it would go away; I would meet the right girl and this would all disappear but it didn’t. the girls I dated I was always envious of how they got to dress and the makeup and nails they got to have. When I moved out on my own, I would dress at home. I did have a roommate but I was lucky as he worked days and I worked grave yard so I was getting home about the time he was leaving for work so I could dress around the house for a few hours.

From there it grew into wanting to go out but for a long time it was just late-night drives and maybe the drive through at Burger king. I would love the time I could dress but after word feel regret and shame as I still didn’t fully understand why and I could just not accept this is who I was. When I got into my early ‘s a few of the woman I worked with had acrylic nails and I would hear them talking about how nice it was to get them done and I so wanted to so I broke down and got a motel room for a Friday and Saturday night and went and got my nails done for a couple days and loved it. For a few years I did this once or twice a year. It is funny as one of the ladies I worked with made the comment one day that I had no idea how expensive it was to have acrylic nails and I almost laughed as just a couple weeks earlier I had gotten them for a long weekend. I had spent $30 plus tip to get my nails done, three nights in a motel over a weekend which was about $200 and then Sunday another $15 plus tip to get them removed. About $250 for 3 days of having acrylic nails so I knew the cost and you know what, it was worth the money.

Now I finally worked up the courage to go out for the first time, it was on the 4th try but I made it with a little help from another T-girl named Lorie, she saw me sitting in my car trying to work up the courage to get out and came over. She was the first t-girl I ever met and I realized I was not alone. From that I met Alice another T-girl who came to Portland every few months, we had met online and she would e-mail me when she was in town and I would meet her at Embers. She also had a big impact on my life s Susan as she helped me realize there was nothing wrong with who I was or what I was doing. It was Halloween of 2007 when I met Cassandra and I joined her group in early 2008 and suddenly I knew there would be others out every weekend and I started going out every Friday night. Susan was becoming a regular part of my life. It was probably a year later when I accepted this was who I was and there was nothing wrong with me and that this part of me would not go away. Once I accepted that my life changed. Susan truly was a part of who I am and I made some wonderful friends. I thought I would put this in a blog to show this truly is a journey and it takes some time. I go out all the time now and I get some people who e-mail me and tell me they are struggling and they wish they were like me; trust me you are. We all go through a journey to get to where we are or end up. The key is to not think you are damaged or doing something wrong you are not you are just being who you are. Talk to others and find out how they feel and think but don’t and I mean don’t let them tell you who you are, how you should feel or who you should be. Figure out who you are and be that person. If that means gay, straight, transsexual or crossdresser it is okay. How I feel or who I am is just that it is about me. You may or may not feel the same. It is about being true to yourself.

Wow a little longer than I wanted but I felt it important. Back to my outing at Starbucks. I stayed at Starbucks till about 8 before going home. It was a relaxing afternoon and I always feel better after my time out as Susan. It is like my little vacation form my male life and all that is going on in it.

Thanks for reading and be sure and read my most recent blog to see what is new in my life.

July 9, 2019 - Posted by | Starbucks | , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. Wow, Susan! Thank you for sharing your story. I have some questions for you. You have been doing your blog for a really long time, and yet this is the first time I have seen you write about your history since I’ve been following for several years. What made you decide to share your personal history today? Also, was it easy or hard for you to write about it and then click that Post button?

    The reasons why I ask are because, as you said, each of us has our own paths, some of which are similar to what others have experienced, and some of which is highly personal and unique. Like taking that first step out of the car, it takes an extra “something” to spur someone to share that with others. I think others who are on their own journeys but haven’t yet taken the step of sharing that story of others could benefit from knowing how you got past that hurdle.

    xoxoxo Sami

    Comment by samibrowncd | July 10, 2019 | Reply

    • Thanks Sami, We have a lot of new girls in our group here in Portland and some are coming out for the first time. one I have e-mailed back and forth and she is having a hard time, hasn’t been able to get out of the car yet. I thought maybe sharing my journey might help as I really do think most of us have some similar stories.
      It was actually pretty easy as I have shared this with some girls in person. maybe I will write a blog about my first night out at Embers as I still remember it fairly well after all these years.

      Comment by susanmiller64 | July 10, 2019 | Reply

      • I was thinking the same thing when I wrote earlier. I think a story about your first night out, and maybe some more details about the failures beforehand would help many. That first step into the public eye is the most difficult, but one quickly discovers that the vast majority of others are either distracted enough not to notice or don’t care once they do notice.

        I bet all who have ventured out into the public can remember in remote detail that first outing – both for the terror of leaving the car behind and the joy of discovering that the outing exceeded all expectations!

        Comment by samibrowncd | July 11, 2019

  2. 👍👍👍
    Great post. Charlene 💋💋

    Comment by Charlene Peterson | July 10, 2019 | Reply

  3. […] just something about sharing someone’s first time out as you think about your fist time out. My blog from last Sunday talked a little about my journey as Susan from when I first figured out, I liked this side of my […]

    Pingback by Wednesday night dinner at Henry’s « Susanmillers Blog | July 13, 2019 | Reply

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