Susanmillers Blog

My life as a heterosexual crossdresser.

Last Friday of Spring as summers starts on Sunday

Well it has been another long and busy week for my male side and it is really cutting into my Susan time but sometimes life has priorities that you can’t get away from. I may not be to get out s regular, my 2 time a week but I am still making time for her as she is a big part of who I am. It’s just it will be a lot more last minute outings the planning a head and that is okay. Any way it is Friday night and yes I am able to go out tonight so it will be fun. I got home a little early and so I decided to get ready early so I could have more time out. Now tonight I tried a new Smokey eye look by blending some of my black eye shadows with my browns and it really turned out nice. I will have to remember how I did it.

I was ready before 6 and on my way to Sweet Home but got caught in traffic so it was still 6:30 when I got there. Chris and Samantha were here already. Samantha gets to Portland every once in a while and will come out with us which is always nice so it was good to see here and talk with her. Now our normal table was taken so we were one table back which was fine although when Karaoke started we couldn’t see the singers from the table. Now I did get my computer out and catch up on some e-mails and even went on PalTalk for a bit and chatted with Melissa for a little bit. Roxy also showed up for a little while too so we had 4 of us.

Well I ordered dinner and we sat and talked. It was really nice and I found out some things about Samantha I didn’t know and I told her a lot about me also, it is funny how that line I had between my male and female side is blending more and more. Now I am not saying I am going out and telling my friends who only know me in my male life about Susan but more and more of my male life is coming out to Susan’s friends. I guess Susan is just a more open person when it comes to this and that is probably because I am really more comfortable in the female role as Susan. Now I know what people are thinking, it sounds like I may be thinking of Transitioning and no I am not. It is just I have few friends now that have come out and they are struggling with their female side and how it all fits in and where it will lead and it got me thinking about myself too.

This is one of the hardest things for transgender people to deal with and figure out who they are and where they go. Growing up I knew I likes makeup and girls clothes, I really wanted to be able to wear makeup and the pretty dresses, now I will date myself as his was before the internet and you actually had to go to a library to find books and get information. I remember being confused as what I could find at the library all said that guys who dressed as girls wanted to be girls that they were in the wrong body or they were gay and I knew this wasn’t me. I didn’t want to be a girl just be able to look and dress like one and I was never attracted to boys, I actually find nothing attractive about the male body so I thought was that one weird person that didn’t fit in any place. It wasn’t till I was in high school that I heard the term crossdresser and realized that was who I was.

Now there are a lot of similarities in Transgender people but we all have our own needs, wants and desires too so it can be hard to give advice to others who are trying to figure out who they are as it is easy to believe ne way because you are looking for that acceptance and belonging and don’t want to feel you are alone. Life is a journey that we all take and where it leads us we may not know but we cannot let others interpret it for us as it is our life and we must live who we are.

What I do know and understand about myself is this and it has taken me many years to get to this point. I am a male who love being female. I will never transition as that is not for me. Now if I had all the money I would ever need and didn’t have to worry about work or anything I would live a little different. First I would have long pretty and painted nails as I love them. I would grow my hair out and I would live the majority of my life as a woman. I will admit it would be awesome to have breast but I am pretty sure I would not take female hormones as I am worried what the emotional and psychological affects would be, I would be more likely to look into implants but then I have the issue of what to do with them when I am not being female. The last thing is living female or male I would still only be interested in being with females as I said I don’t find the male body attractive. Now this is who I am and what is right for me in my life. There are others who may feel the same and probably more who feel this is wrong and not right for them and that is okay as we all need to find what is right for ourselves to be happy.

This is where it can get hard as we see our friends struggling to understand this part of their life and we so want to help them and we know who we are and what we want and what makes us happy that we want to tell them that and that s fine but we need to do it in a way that helps them find who they are and not try to fit into who we are. I guess the biggest help if to accept them and support them as they make this journey of discovery and even if they turn out different then us and the way we live our lives we support them. It’s not about being the same but being who we are.

Wow got a little off topic there, Karaoke started and it was fun. Samantha stayed till almost 11 tonight which is late for her as she has a 2+ hour drive home. It was a good night as I got to talk with Heather, Dawni and Mareinna for a while. They are some of the friends we have made here at the bar and have been so accepting of us. It was a really good night out. It was midnight when I called it a night. What a great way to start the weekend.

Thanks for reading.


June 20, 2015 - Posted by | Sweethome | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Thank you for your email that is just how I feel and Love dressing up but I have never been out of the house and no interest in men

    Comment by Rick | June 27, 2015 | Reply

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